A mountain bikers tale

[Tjokkits]

Extract from an email exchange that landed in myninbox lastnmight, had to share, happy fridays

 

Dear Fellow Mountain Bikers

 

I actually dictated the e-mail to Martin for Saturday’s ride. He “tweaked it” and we end up with some caveman-talking e-mail: We ride Northern Farms. You be in parking lot at 7 am.

 

Not exactly what I call eloquent. So let’s start again:

 

This Saturday’s mountain bike ride will be at Northern Farm…….in the south………………..no, not really – it’s actually in the North, but the people in the North don’t like saying that because there is no Prozac dispensary, you can’t get a custom car wash while you ride, they don’t serve a double decaf extra skinny slightly dry latte mocha endorsed by Weight Watchers and some obscure animal rights group. Oh, and they don’t serve sushi!

 

The ride starts at 7:00 am from the parking lot. Arriving at 7 am is too late because you have to put your bike together, put cycling shoes and helmet on, and in the case of Evan, apply sunscreen even though it’s -3 degrees.

 

For all those who don’t ride regularly with us, and the newbies, we’ve moved to being a fully colour-coded group. Matching kit is essential. This is particularly important as other mountain bikers have recently complained that your dress code is not in-keeping with the spirit of a ride in the North. No cammo kit, and helmets and shoes must match. Matching bottles are essential, shaved legs are optional.

 

At 9:30 we will stop for tea at the coffee shop called Hay Brew (a mix of pun and Capetonian language). Those who miss the early tea, and it does happen as there is no BMW-only lane to the Farm, can join at 9:30. Tea is served in polystyrene cups - a bit inhumane I must say, but let’s see you complain when you’re cold and tired. Conversation topics are limited to Evan’s disapproval of his daughter’s boyfriend and why I was late…….again. We then head out for a few more laps.

 

The ride will take in all the sights the Farm has to offer: rolling hills in the backdrop, steam rising off the water (only because it’s friggin cold), an array of fauna and flora like big ass cows, monkeys, endangered plant species like blackjacks, and not to forget the awesome single-track down by the river. It’s at this juncture I must warn you all about what I am told is a Liggewaan, that likes to sunbathe on one of the trails (I’m convinced it’s a big ass crocodile creature that waits patiently to scare the **** out of me). Martin assures me it’s not that dangerous………………..compared to what I’m not sure, but it looks friggin mean. Granted, it may be because I nearly rode over him………………twice!

 

On a slightly different note, last week saw us ride at Modderfontein which was actually an awesome ride. We’ll do it a bit more frequently in the future but be sure to bring your passports, as you would be stepping out towards the East – the land of really cool people with mullet haircuts.

 

Finally, I’ll leave you with a thought appropriate to our rides. It’s something very profound that a famous philosopher, Aristotle - I believe, once said: RIDE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT

 

See you all on Saturday!