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For you frequent fliers, some old, some new.




Air to Ground Communications




Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers








Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"




Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"










Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."




TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up








Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a














From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm




f...ing bored!"




Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself








Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
















O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a




Fokker,one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."




United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the




little Fokker in sight."












A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While




attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your




last known position?"




Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."












A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll




out after touching down.




San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end




of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe




exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
















A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard




the following:








Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time ?"




Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."




Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in




Germany. Why must I speak English?"




Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):




"Because you lost the bloody war!"












Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency








Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,




after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of




the runway."




Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact




Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern








BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and




yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."










One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short




of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,




turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted




comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little




plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"




The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a




real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours




and I'll have enough parts for another one."












The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a




short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking




location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it




was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following




exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,




call sign Speedbird 206.




Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."




Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."




The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.








Ground: "Speedbird , do you not know where you are going?"




Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."








Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not




been to Frankfurt before?"




Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I




didn't land."












While taxiing at London's, Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight




departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose




with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the




US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I




told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!




Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference




between C and D, but get it right!"












Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting




hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever




to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you




to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,




and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how




I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"








Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.








Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly




silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance




engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.




Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.




Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,




asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still
standing on the curb." Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they  never let me drive
at the <?:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Vaticanon> when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive
today." "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that.
I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?"
protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to
170KMPH.(Remember, he's a German Pope.) "Please slow down, Your
Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to
the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to  lose my license
-- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the
window as the  cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes
back to his  motorcycle, and gets on the radio." I need to talk to the
Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the
cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and seventy. "So
bust him," says the Chief." I don't think we want to do that, he's really
important," said the cop.  The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " A senator?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope."

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