Friday Funny

[123qwer]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

[mtbfreak]

You've got to read this one to the end.

Trust me 

  I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.

In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture above ) was on holiday in <?: prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Kenyaon> after graduating from Northwestern University

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

 

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

 

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

 

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

 

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

 

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant. <?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

[slowpoke]

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

[slowpoke]

 
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.  The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I  bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.  It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.  Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

[123qwer]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John. PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[123qwer]

Presidential candidates

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

I'm voting for the Pilot.

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[mtbfreak]

TEACHER:          Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

 

MILLIE:             I is...

 

TEACHER:          No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

 

MILLIE:             All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

[mtbfreak]

TEACHER:          <?: prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?

 

CLYDE :             No, it's the same dog.