Paul Ruinaard

Those are tow of the moer big speed bumps you have hit. Like i said it gets pretty bumpy but hopefully the road forward is a little less potholed cause the ones you just klapped are major ones - when (or if) your ex was cheating on you and when you come home to a half empty house and sit and stare and think about what was and what you did. Strongs brother. One foot in front of another now and be gentle on yourself. You are in that twilight zone where you feel very alone.

They are in general not kid friendly. My boy Sid the Dachshund who is about 11 kgs has taken a nip out of most of my friends kids at one time or another. Its always when they are getting out of the pool and are being loud and he gets hyped and then goes in for the nip. Very tactical is our Sid. The other three (we have four) couldn't care less. But i have warned the parents multiple time over the years and they all think its a Dachsie and they are cute. Far from it. He's a complete nightmare on a leash and will eat the neighbourhood given a chance. He beat up a lovely old black labrador when i was walking him down at the park off the leash. the labby had no chance. he had a Dachsie attached to his leg in seconds. The lab was howling and yelping and i was desperately trying to get him off. They have caught birds and lizards and are always in the trash. I was reading something about how, if they get stuck in too narrow a hole where they were chasing something i(which they were designed to do) the are one of the only dogs that will reverse out rather than stay stuck.

I do this often, as my Rosemary bush is next to the braai. Get some green twigs. Smells a bit like a UB 40 concert though. In fact i think i smoked a lot of Rosemary as a student when i bought my dope from the local dodgy gardener...

That is always a gut wrenching moment. Thing is it gets better from now. You are about as low as it can get an dhave had about as much taken from you as can be taken in the material sense of the word...

Jeez i am glad they allowed them. Truly a visionary organization with forward thinking regulations. I just cant imagine all those MTB's coming down Chappies after their brakes have been confiscated....

Sounds like you are doing it properly. Well done mate.

Thanks mate. Look up something called codependency or giving to get. That's my crutch. Its a pretty hard place to come from when you realize that it's what you been doing for a long time and even now its what i need to avoid. It starts with being unable to set boundaries or going back across them when you are wrong or when it gets tough. Very hard place even now.

Hey Mr Landy Saw this now wrt the lease. I get that you want her out and all that but this lease thing has got the ability to drag you back in. Just think it through mate because when you are 9 months from now and bring home a honey and have a wild time and then the ex finds out then she will go postal in your leased place and you will end up on the hook again. Its amazing what sort of evil things the scorned can think up to get even... Just saying. And dont think that the people aren't capable of it. Or when the lease expires and you folded this time around and she hasn't un blacklisted herself then you are in for another year. At that stage she's just milking you ( ) . Don't make bad decisions with the best of intentions especially now when your head space is compromised. just saying.... Possibly in the past you never drew hard lines in the sand. So now is where you have a chance to change that and are a able to stand up and say not your issue about her blacklisting and here is what you are willing to do. Settle it now even if its going to create issues. The rules have shifted when she moved out. You need to work the plan to suit you. She isn't your wife any more - she is your soon to be ex wife. I get your son is an issue as well but that is an easy way to manipulate you as well. There is another way to settle this that you aren't on the hook forever. Look for that way. These issues and moments are the ones that will be the toughest and will define your rules going forward. At some time in the process divorce becomes a bit like a negotiation or a chess game. You are now negotiating what your future relationship with your ex will look like. And possibly setting some guidelines for your son as to how to act and be fair in these situations. It shouldn't look like your past relationship did - just saying Strongs mate. It ain't easy to do this and you aren't coming in with tons of experience. When all else fails just delay the decision and the outcomes. Others who may have an agenda will get frustrated and will work out a plan and get on with it if they see that they aren't going to win with you on the easy strategy. AND: If she gets a boy or a significant other or if there is one in the wings they will want to go forward quicker. I know it's not what you want but it will happen and it will work in your favour... My 2 cents worth.

This BS questionnaire is back again. It ain't 20 questions BTW and the site is piss poor and slow. Epic Fail CTCT again.

Hmm - i went from a 5 bedroomed house to staying at a mates house to just get out of the toxic environment for a week. Humbling as he was happily married with family and his daughters thought i was great. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. On diet - divorce beats any diet. On the financials - hold your ground but it's only money and you can make more. Sanity is worth more than money. You will find later on that money has a great way of aligning - if it wasn't meant for you and you take it, you will normally lose it. Be fair, pay up for what you need to and draw lines in the sand. The original issue is not setting boundaries, or setting them and then agreeing to cross them. You are young - you can make more money. Time you can't get back. Get out cleanly and get on with the world and your life. Stop wasting time on the past, humpty dumpty isn't going to ever be put back together again after the fall. I was lucky - my ex left me for another guy so felt guilty - she had a number in mind - i paid it and we were through the courts like greased lightning, but by that stage my mind was made up. THere are other dates coming like the day it's all final - you will feel very alone on that day. Know that thousands have been there before. 12 years later its a distant memory as it will be for you some time in the future. I cant reduce your pain - its part of your rites of passage, but i can tell you it will get better.....

Best diet i ever went on was a divorce - i was so stressed and riding so hard that i was down by about 8kg. Don't underestimate the amount of stress and what it does to you ito eating...

Hey Landy, things are going as predicted. Strongs my man. Make sure you dont capitulate on these things. Delay every decision and look at it twice cause you arent thinking straight. I wish i could add more - havent got time right now, but its panning out exactly as predicted

Hey Mr (ex) Landy how was the weekend - how you doing?

You are no doubt talking about Didata. They gave everyone shares and some receptionists ended up very rich. Didnt have a clue as to how wealthy either. I worked at Cisco through the dotcom boom which means i worked closely with Didata and actually spent two years there myself. I heard some amazing stories at Cisco. One French guy i knew decided jointly with his wife not to disclose his Cisco shares to the taxman. They split up and she ratted on him, he had to pay all the tax as they were in his name so he went from rockstar lifestyle to a small flat on the outskirts of Paris. I can't vouch as to whether he was happier, but poorer and bitter were valid. Thing is negotiating divorce settlements is like negotiating a peace treaty with all your and your oppositions troops massed on the border. There will be skirmishes that could escalate it in to all out war, but the best outcome is to settle and disarm. Not that easy to do when everyone is hell bent on making their point of view heard and hurting the other party. People do strange things when they are angry for short term wins. Giving ground now often leads to a longer term gain. My 2 cents worth

Brilliant post.

Mate you have probably saved a lot more than you have hurt, or at least woken people up. BTW divorces normally spike in January as its new year new beginnings etc. Like is said on one post and maybe now you get it, spilling your thoughts on a public forum is actually like therapy. The people here have no clue who you are so there is no judgement. Or very little. Advice is free and if it helps you and it gets you through your day it's pretty useful. One thing divorce taught me was humility. I was flying high and landed with a huge bump. My world was completely turned upside down. It was like somebody let a bomb off in my life and i could not go back to putting all the pieces together - i had to build a new one and address my mistakes to go forward. You are doing way better than what you think - most guys bottle up the rage and then hop the rails with some escape later. Be gentle on yourself. One foot in front of another. Whilst its all news to you, you will see your journey is not unique and that many of us can identify strongly with the place you are in.

Make sure you have a rock solid legal advice. FWIW: A mate of a mate was married in community. Before his wife left she asked him for valuations of all his companies (he had about 5) which were all doing quite well. He thought it was for something legal or an credit application (i forget the details) so he showed her how it was all put together and where the real money was being hidden. Next thing her divorce lawyer appeared in court wanting half of it all. There wasn't enough free cash flow to pay her out and they couldn't sell half of the assets, so effectively he had to dump sit all for next to nothing to pay her what was the paper value. He eventually went bankrupt. Lesson is what exists on a balance sheet as an asset does not really reflect how tradeable it is and that in a divorce you may need a lot of free cash to pay someone off to ensure you can preserve the underlying assets like a company/house etc. Never mind to live day to day

I reckon in South African urban areas in the affluent suburbs in Gauteng and CTN it must be 75% as well. Across my mates its mostly second marriages TBH. Thing is once you are in you are better off trying to make it work cause getting out is a bit messy.

The best thing to do is not to get divorced in the first place. Approach it from that mindset. I bet every person on this string who has gone through it, would IMO tell you this, and also probably identify what they could have done to fix it at some time or another. Sometimes you really do grow apart and it's not going to work so it's not all cases but most of the time it could have been fixed.

Yep totally agreed. For me it was so long ago that as i typed that stuff out it seemed almost like another lifetime and it was so far removed from where i am now that it is just information about my past. No longer hurtful or really anything special.

Sorry mate: It gets a bit bumpy when the parties realize that their previously quite acceptable standard of living and top notch lifestyle is about to get quite a lot worse, especially if the woman is earning significantly less than the man and he was covering the costs of their lifestyle. Those things which were a run of the mill and easily accessible will no longer be. That normally is a bit of a shock if the money has always been there in the past. Fact: Divorces destroy your wealth and will probably set you back 5 to 10 years. Read it and weep and then get on with it. Nothing you can do about it. And if she is the lesser wage earner chances are this will happen and it's going to be a large shock which will make her very bitter and probably even more angry at you. Parts of my story: My ex couldn't even open a bank account or get credit anywhere or a cell phone contract as she had no credit record she was under my credit ratings and joint accounts. She was pretty pissed off and came back to negotiate more as she blamed me not the banks. I was the evil villain who basically gave her carte blanche to spend on my credit and when she was no longer allowed to i was all of a sudden now nasty. She never anticipated this and it was a rude surprise. It wasn't part of her plan. I had to provide computers and internet access so she could search for a job and also get her a phone. And yes in case you are wondering i would say 95% certain that you your wife has thought about this all and prepared or had a plan which she is executing and you are just finding out about, so she is a couple of steps ahead of you until you decide to start thinking about what you want and what to do. I would say that with hindsight, you realize woman are much more attuned. I wouldn't be surprised if you said this came out of the blue? But if you chatted to your ex's friends you will find she probably talked to them about it and had planned it in advance. Get over it again - women are different to men. They plan things in advance. I was shocked to find that she had spoken to our lawyer 6 months before - he said he was expecting me as she had been there 6 months before. There are many of these you will find. My attitude to stuff that wasn't part of our marriage was - you chose to leave - not my circus and not my monkeys. You have no legal responsibility to maintain her lifestyle from what i can remember. You may have to pay some rehabilitative maintenance for a period as a gesture to allow her to start up but after a given time frame you stop. I had to supply a laptop and a phone and an internet connection so she could get a job. Mine was 4 months. Every month paying that money burned my arse like hot coals. I had to pay for her and her boyfriend to swan about on holiday and use may hard earned money to pay for them setting up a love nest. She phoned me to thank me for something i had paid for and i completely lost the plot. I think that was the point it really became very final. You will have something that happens like that where you decide finally that you want to now get out as fast as possible. Oh and BTW whilst scaring you (and this wasn't the worst i heard of at all) - i had to pay to transfer her half of my new house we had just built and moved in to, back in to my name. The only reason I originally put it in joint names was because she always used to complain that she had contributed but had no title - so i relented and we jointly built a new dream house (sold the old one) which was going to be the future home of our kids as she she was getting the IVF treatment for (third round ended in November - she left in January) R40k a pop for IVF at that stage and R 230k cash to get my house back in to my name. These were over and above the divorce settlements (which was decided to be the proceeds for the old house) we sold to build the new house. So i went from moving in to the new house with my wife and planning a family to having no wife, no kids and double the bond i expected. From having an almost paid for dream house to a big bond and a large house with just me living in it. And she had the cash from my old property and was living with the new boyfriend using my rehabilitative maintenance to set up home with him as he had dumped his wife and kids and had nothing. WRT you: Especially if she has a job and can provide for herself, its unlikely you will have to pay for her. WRT you children - maintenance is a given until they become of age. BTW: When this dawns on her is often when the attempt to reconcile begins. This isn't a one day game and there will be many bumps along the way. Mentally steel yourself for a couple of months of pretty nasty comms between the two of you as this al starts to unwind and the consequences of your divorce become clear. Agree what is fair and try and avoid lawyering up whenever possible. IMO: Be prepared to go a bit deeper and offer to pay a bit more in a lump sum (if you can) to ensure that you get out as clean as possible. What i mean is give some ground now to get something you know she will want or need, be it a car etc you need to buy. That will take 3 years to pay off etc then you are done. Its pretty nasty medicine, divorce settlements. Rather take a big dose and get well soon than small doses and let the poison linger

As soon as you think you have things figured out IMO you are going to be humbled by life's curveballs. FWIW: I cant stand the folks who think they have it all figured out and have life plans written up and goals and bucket lists. They make me feel inadequate. Aging sucks but the one of the benefits are that once you reach a certain age you figure out that not much is major, you can overcome most issues in some way or another with the right attitude, that there is no correct way and you aren't going to get out alive. If you enjoy spilling your guts on internet forums to strangers and it helps you get through some tough times (and the hub has in many ways been about a lot more than cycling) then go ahead. There are some pretty clever people on this forum and they have given me food for thought many times. I think we also all get our vicarious needs met and would probably enjoy all the strokes and flames we get here - we feel like we belong. So its not without a two way trade (I know i do ). At this point i reckon that the best thing to do is insert the lyrics of Baz Luhrmann's "Wear Sunscreen" which is probably one of the mantras of my life cause it addresses about 90% of what is being said here better than i can: Or the song is here on Youtube: Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97 Wear sunscreen If I could offer you only one tip for the future Sunscreen would be it The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists Whereas the rest of my advice Has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience I will dispense this advice now Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth Oh, never mind You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself And recall in a way you can't grasp now How much possibility lay before you And how fabulous you really looked You are not as fat as you imagine Don't worry about the future Or worry But know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind The kind that blindside you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don't be reckless with other people's hearts Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours Floss Don't waste your time on jealousy Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind The race is long And in the end, it's only with yourself Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults If you succeed in doing this, tell me how Keep your old love letters Throw away your old bank statements Stretch Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives Some of the most interesting 60 year olds I know still don't Get plenty of calcium Be kind to your knees You'll miss them when they're gone Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't Maybe you'll divorce at 40 Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's Enjoy your body Use it every way you can Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own Dance Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room Read the directions, even if you don't follow them Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly Get to know your parents You never know when they'll be gone for good Be nice to your siblings They are the best link to your past And the people most likely to stick with you in the future Understand that friends come and go But for the precious few you should hold on Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle Because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young Live in New York City once But leave before it makes you hard Live in Northern California once But leave before it makes you soft Travel Accept certain inalienable truths Prices will rise Politicians will philander You too will get old And when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young Prices were reasonable Politicians were noble And children respected their elders Respect your elders Don't expect anyone else to support you Maybe you have a trust fund Maybe you have a wealthy spouse But you never know when either one might run out Don't mess too much with your hair Or by the time you're 40, it will look 85 Be careful whose advice you buy But be patient with those who supply it Advice is a form of nostalgia Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off Painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth But trust me on the sunscreen

But this comment is probably one of the most important. I also managed to keep it civil and had a court date 4 months afterwards and we were done by April, so i could move on. Its pretty difficult to do as you aren't exactly focused on being your exes best friend at that stage. But the quicker you get the formalities out of the way and wrapped up the quicker there is nothing to argue about. And keep away from lawyering up. Rather give in than go legal. Egos need to be parked at the door.

It will happen. All of us were once in your shoes and looking around to answer the same question. The good thing is clearly you dont want to be alone. Yep you will need to learn a whole lot of new skills and things you never thought you would need again. Its pretty challenging and you will feel horribly exposed, but it's also pretty rewarding. Wait until you are on the latest app or website and have uploaded a profile and someone actually pays attention. It will feel very foreign, almost like taboo cause you never thought you would need to attract another significant other. Also pretty good after a while to realize you are desirable.. And seen as though you will be lean and mean from all your cycling etc you will be a better catch than most of the other knobs out there. Play it slowly mate - a friend of mine went from "my life is over" to having a pretty wild social life for about 6 months in a matter of weeks when he put himself out there. Its pretty much true that you and most women know what they want after a certain age. It will also do your ego and self esteem the world of good to just do nothing serious and try some new stuff. You just need to carry on putting one foot in front of another - like on a long ride, until you look back and see how far you have come. Just start somewhere.

Get that Peter Goffe Wood book. Kitchen Cowboys. When you are back on the horse, find a nice honey you are keen on and as a third date suggest she comes to your house for a meal. Cook her a simple dish. Very Well. You can literally braai a steak (again do it well and practice) with some sauce and a salad, with good wine, some flowers and appropriate music Bazinga. BTW - cooking is simple - get yourself an app - epicurious is one of them. You master it and any lady is interested and it makes you stand out from the crowd because all the other bachelors are shir scared of cooking like you were.