Friday Funny

[shaunh]

Ouma klim op fiets en ry by hek uit.........

 

Kleinseun:"Waar gaan Ouma?"

 

Sy se: "Begraafplaas toe!"

 

Kleinseun (frons): " En wie die *** gaan die fiets terug bring?!"

 

[Braveheart]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR ...

 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be

thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've

got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and

my paint job is getting a little dull ....

But that's not the worst of it.

 

 

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially

hard to see things up close.

 

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip

and slide and skid and bump into things even in the

best of weather.

 

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

 

 

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

 

But here's the worst of it --

 

 

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[shaunh]

Alles deesdae is net "Lite"

 

Corsa Lite, Coke Lite & Sprite Lite.....

 

Nou vir afgeleefde ou mans met hart probleme is daar 'Viagra Lite'

 

.......................dit gee jou net vuil gadagtes!!!!!

 

 

 

[KeithB]

Wife says to husband on wedding night: "honey, now that we are married I feel I must be totally honest with you - the thing is, I used to be a hooker"

 

Surprised husband says: "well darling, I am a bit taken aback - but at the same time I also find it quite erotic -  please tell me more ..."

 

Wife: "well, my name was Koos and I played for Western Province..."

 

[shaunh]

Okay, this post should be changed to Friday Funnies........

 

raad vir die dag;

 

Moenie jou poepe inhou nie.........dit maak borrels wat na jou brein toe gaan en dis waar k@k idees vandaan kom....................

[scotty]

[Lilo]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding  the

most perfect shoes in the  first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in

the second. In the third  everything had just  been reduced to a  fiver

when her mobile phone rang.  It was a female doctor  notifying her  that

her husband had just been in  a terrible accident and was  in  critical

condition and in the ICU.  The woman told the doctor to inform her

husband where she was and  that she'd be there as soon as possible.

 

As she hung up she realized  she was leaving what was shaping up to be

her best day ever in the  shops. She decided to get in a couple of more

shops before heading to the hospital.


 She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a

cup of coffee and a  beautiful slice of cake complimentary from the  last

shop

 
She was jubilant. Then  she  remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,  she

dashed to the hospital. She  saw the doctor in the corridor and asked

about her Husband's  condition. The lady doctor glared at her and

shouted, "You went ahead and  finished your shopping trip didn't you! I

hope you're proud of  yourself! While you were out  for the past  four

hours enjoying yourself in  town, your husband has been languishing in

the  Intensive  Care Unit! It's just as well you went  ahead  and

finished, because it will be  more than likely the last shopping trip you

ever take! For the rest of  his life he will require round the clock

care.  And you'll now be his carer!"  

 

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
.
 .
.
 .
.
 .
.
 .

.

.

.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. What did you  buy?"

 

 

 

[Marius]

A guy decides he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

 

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

 

The parrot answers the guy's question, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

 

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

 

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Oh, yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

 

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

 

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the price tag: $200. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by.

 

The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

 

"What?" says the guy.

 

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!!" the guy says. "Then what?"

 

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot (pauses for a long time...) "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "I don't know," says the parrot, "my dick got hard and I fell off my perch....."

[madmarc]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!  

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.

 

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Polony  again! If I get a  polony  sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too.

 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the  polony  and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

 

Moenie na my kyk nie! Hy maak sy eie ****** toebroodjies. <?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

[PappaBear]

The new 5th grade English teacher arrives at Pofadder.

 

On her first day she greets everyone:  "Morning class"

 

One boy greets her back:  "Morning miss"

 

Surprised she asks him why only he greeted her.....

 

He said:  "Because I are Klaas....."

 

[Marius]

 

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.

Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies.

"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[Marius]

[Marius]

Why NOT To Vote For Hilary

 

[123qwer]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

 

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

 

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

 

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

 

"No, because he's really heavy"

[123qwer]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to His wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

 

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were Still very much in love.

 

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to His host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still Call your wife those loving pet names.'

 

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask Her what it is!'

[slowpoke]

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,

"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this

time he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />