JUST FOR LAUGHS... 1. Image and style shall be the primary concerns. When suffering, one must focus first on maintaining a cool, even composure and second on performance. Your Castellijersey must match your Castelli shorts, do not wear a Castelli jersey with a Assos shorts. 2. Shorts will extend approximately 2/3rds of the way down the upper leg and will contain a compression band at the bottom (distinct in colour). In NO CONDITION shall they extend any further! 3. You cannot wear any TDF team kit whilst in public cycling...you can only wear this kit when you are on your IDT in the comfort of your home..or if you are seeded in A, B or C.. 4. Legs shall be SHAVED year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS. Certain hair removal creams are endorsed only on a case-by-case basis. One shall never show up to a race (be it large or small) with ANY amount of stubble visible on one’s legs. 5. A prominent line where one’s kit ends and where one’s deep tan begins is essential to one's image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan shall reflect the level of training commitment. 6. The socks shall extend to within two (2) cm. of the main bulge of the calf muscle, and shall never extend further than one (1) cm. past said primary calf muscle bulge. Its cool to wear your cycling socks under your work trousers...its prohibited to wear your work socks on a cycle ride..you should be stoned for this.. 7. Theres nothing wrong with training on deep section wheels in any season...however you must not be dropped in any training ride if you are riding deep section wheels.. 8. Its ok to ride a R100k bike...we will know that you are either an elite or a spoilt rich boy/girl...but under no circumstance must you be dropped by a guy/girl on a R10k bike...same rule applies to mountain bikers.. 9. You will only wear Rudy or Oakley glasses. Glasses are to be worn over helmet straps at all times. Cycling glasses are not to be worn on any other occasion...get a different pair for other occasions. 10. Hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn. Helmet is to be worn before you get on the bike and taken off after your ride, once the bike is safely parked away...you are only allowed to take your helmet off during a ride when you are stopping for a coffee at a reputable coffee shop where other cyclist also stop...like a Vida...same rule applies with TDF kit...do not wear TDF helmets...you will never make it to Team Sky...deal with it.. 11. Cycling caps of any colour can be worn under your helmet, only when it rains. In winter, wear a cycling beanie. Mountain bikers must not wear a cycling cap, they have a visor for this purpose. 12. Kits must always be freshly washed. It is, AT ALL TIMES FORBIDDEN to ride in an unwashed kit. This is severely detrimental to one’s image. 13. Saddles shall be white or black in colour ONLY and shall be manufactured in Italy or France. Exceptions may be made in the following cases: i) Saddles containing World Cup Stripes or Olympic Gold when it is EARNED. ii) Italian flag colour combo when rider is ITALIAN (born in Italy). 14. Facial hair shall be restricted to (at a maximum) a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Moustaches, beards, and any combination thereof are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED in all instances. Stubble is, however, advisable in virtually ALL situations. It is important to note that this DOES NOT apply to the legs. 15. Road cyclists must acknowledge all road cyclists. Mountain bike riders must acknowledge all mountain bike riders, road cyclists and road/trail runners. 16. One shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. This cannot be overemphasized! It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto one’s body before a race. 17. Mountain bike riders must at all times wear full length mountain bike gloves in all seasons. Roadies must wear full length gloves only in Winter. Wearing no gloves is PROHIBITED, you will never be like Tom Boonen.. 18. In a circumstance where any cyclist (specifically TRIATHLETE) ever displays aggression or disrespect towards a Cyclist, he is required to ride up uncomfortably close to his foe and slap them in the face with his gloves. In the case of a triathlete, their atrocious bike handling skills will cause them, in all likelihood, to collide with the nearest tree while the Cyclist rides calmly on. 19. In the event a motorist disturbs one’s ride: one shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the boot of the car while doing one’s best to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm and head gesticulations are strongly encouraged to help enhance the apparent rage. It is permitted to throw a bottle, if the perpetrator was a commissaire on a motorbike. 20. In the event of a bikejacking, gladly part with your bike...claim from the insurance and never tell anyone that you claimed from insurance..your story of the new bike will be: Im sponsored hence my new R100k bike or my old bike was too slow and I upgraded. 21. ABSOLUTELY NO FORM of mud guard or mirror shall come within two (2) meters of one’s bike...only Lezyne pumps are to be mounted onto a bike. 22. Coffee stops is only permissible it you are riding more than 100km on a road bike or more than 50km on a mountain bike on an actual mountain..Sugar is FROWNED UPON, and in all cases SWEETENERS ARE BANNED. Frothed milk can, on occasion, be acceptable if used to increase the homoeroticsm of the immediate situation. 23. All pre- and post-race activity shall be conducted under a gazebo (this includes massages, interviews, seductions, and looking fantastic) leaving one in reasonable distance of the Cape-sun to top up one’s enviable tanlines and pose for photos. 24. Post-race, one shall be tied to one's mobile phone, receiving endless calls from: i. One’s attractive girlfriend, or ii. Important ad executives concerning modeling contracts. This shall be done under the protection of the post race gazebo. 25. Motivational music during training shall consist of late 90s trance or progressive house. NO EXCEPTIONS. Velo-Beats is highly recommended by Paolo Bettini. 26. Water Bottles shall have a volume NEVER EXCEEDING 500ml. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE in ANY CIRCUMSTANCE to leave one’s water bottles on the bike for more than ten (10) minutes post-ride OR while transporting bikes via bike rack. 27. Naked black ALL CARBON water bottle cages (manufactured by ELITE CAGES) shall be used on ALL BIKES. 28. A gold pendant on a very long, thin chain bearing some form of religious icon is STRONGLY recommended for extreme mountain races...Cape Epic comes to mind.. 29. While soloing in for a victory in a local road or mountain bike race, the cyclist is to ensure that his/her jersey is FULLY ZIPPED and ALIGNED so that all title sponsors (we know u dont have any but whatever) are clearly visible. One shall then smile and flex one’s arms while pointing sky-wards. The projection of one’s fatigue is EXPLICITLY FORBIDDEN IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. "Kill Faces" are inherently not, unless the rider is Der Kaiser. 30. When asked "how are you?" while riding, the Cyclist must proceed with one of the following... i. Complain about coming off a sickness ii. Explain that one is peaking for bigger races later in the season iii. Mention that this is a "recovery ride" iv. Explain that one is at the tail end of one’s daily six (6) hour training ride v. Mention that this is my coffee ride. vi. Explain that your Garmin just went blank, must be dead from all the long rides you been doing in Winter. vii. Explain how you were in a rush this morning and forgot your water bottles, so you might have to cut your 180km training ride to 170km. viii. Explain how your 2month old baby was crying the whole night and you allowed the wife to sleep and you had to sort the baby out, all part of training and putting in the hours. viiii. Explain how you mountain biked for 6hrs yesterday, and you only went to bed at 12am because you were out the entire day. x. Explain how you will not be able to get 10 Strava PR's today because you got 135 PR's yesterday. xi. Explain how this is actually my rest day. xii. Mention that you need to flush your legs, because you won your group - M, at yesterdays PPA race. 31. If one feels the urge to relieve oneself during a race, one shall gracefully meander to the back of the pack, seat oneself sideways on the saddle, and pee into the sunflowers. It is the SWORN DUTY of the Cyclist to ensure that no camera crew catches the act, for it could be severely detrimental to one’s image. Under no circumstances shall one dismount from his bike in order to urinate. 32. When climbing anything with a gradient above twenty (20) percent OR lasting greater than four (4) kilometers, the Cyclist shall fully unzip his jersey and let it flutter freely in the wind. 33. When dropping out of a race, one shall avoid the embarrassment of entering the official broomwagon and shall instead wait for the team vehicle or hike back to the start. When asked the reason for dropping out, one shall cite mechanical problems or oncoming sickness in order to avoid any negative speculation in regards to one’s fitness. Family members should never know about this ordeal. 34. If in doubt, the cyclist shall mention in an interview and to friends that his pollen allergies are acting up, and that he’s not sure that he’ll win or be at the top end in the next race. In this situation he must note that the sensations are otherwise good, and that he will eventually win or do extremely well in a beautiful race. 35. In order to avoid the harsh winter, a roadie shall: i. Flee to the warmer climates of Mallorca/Canary Islands/etc. ii. “Train the mind, body and soul” with Kreitler-brand rollers iii Buy a mountain bike and hit the trails A mountain biker will hit the local trails in any condition in any season. 36. In the event of a crash, regardless of the gravity of an injury the Cyclist shall mummify himself in fishnet gauze. The act of gauzing oneself (in order to continue racing while injured) is looked upon with respect by other Cyclists as a statement of commitment and of strength of character. One shall use white gauze to bandage injuries. 37. No form of large or obtrusive tattoo shall be printed onto the skin anywhere on the body. Small, discreet tattoos of the Virgin Mary or Olympic rings (assuming one has participated in Olympic games) no larger than three (3) cm. by three cm. shall be considered tasteful if AND ONLY IF located out of sight while one wears regular kit. 38. No rider shall wear any shorts with any type of hole showing skin below unless said hole and or opening was from a recent crash DURING that training session and/or race. 39. Mountain bikers can wear baggy shorts or cycling bib shorts...Roadies can only wear bib shorts, if a roadie is seen wearing a baggy shorts whilst riding...calmly pedal up to the foe, take off your gloves and slap him in the face with your gloves...calmly and quietly ride away.. 40. When cresting the summit of a climb the Cyclist will sit up, zip his jersey, and reach into his pocket for a snack while simultaneously looking back to see who will be accompanying him on the descent. Note that while coasting to allow another rider to catch up (in order to work together on the way down) is allowed, coasting or stopping in order to rest is FORBIDDEN. 41. The Cyclist shall never ride deep carbon wheels with aluminum braking surfaces, with the exceptions of Mavic wheels and the Ghibli disc. 42. If the cyclist suffers more then two mechanical failures of similar nature in rapid succession, throwing a petulant tantrum is strongly suggested. 43. If the arrangement with cycling mates is to ride at 5am the next day, and one of your mates is late, apply the 2minute rule, if they are not there in 2minutes then carry on riding at a slow pace, because he might be on his way, if after 2minutes of slow riding and still no show then carry on riding at the usual pace. 44. If you arrive late for your training ride, mention either of the following: i. I ran back in the house to fetch my rain jacket. ii. I decided to put on my deep section wheels. iii. I had to lube my chain because of yesterdays 6hr ride. iv. My seat was loose. v. Woke up and my wheels were flat. 45. It is prohibited to ride on right hand side of any trail on the mountain, always keep left and pass right.. 46. If you are riding 2 abreast on a trail and another party is flying down the hill, move into single file...and admire the downhill skills of the bloke. 47. If you are going for StravaPR and you dont get it, mention either of the following: i. That headwind through me off ii My Garmin went blank iii I forgot to switch on my Garmin iv I still have fatigue in the legs from yesterdays 6hr killer ride v I thought the Strava segment ended there. 48. You will only use Strava, any other online tool does not deserve a conversational point. 49. You will always be on the cyclist diet, and always speak highly to all friends and family of how nutrition is so important to you and your performance on the bike. 50. Your primary bike must never be more than 10m away from your bedroom and must always be in your eyesight wherever you are in your house. 51. All cycling clothes must have its own dedicated wardrobe and no one but you must pack in your cycling clothes. 52. Spouses must never be allowed to ride your bike, they are only allowed to hold/touch your bike for no more than 10s whilst you tie your shoe laces. 53. Your coffee table must be stacked with cycling magazines only. 54. A mountain biker is someone that rides on the mountain...if a mountain biker rides on the road, then its only acceptable to ride on the road so that you can get to the mountain. 55. If you ride a 26er...burn it...stop thinking it will come back one day...get a 29er...its unacceptable to keep a 26er in the same household alongside any other bike. 56. Mountain bikers ride with a Camelbak or mounted water bottle...roadies only ride with water bottles...if a roadie is spotted with a Camelbak...unleash 100 lashes on that person on the spot and ride away. 57. All cyclist will at all times obey all the rules of the road and stop at every red robot, the only time you can jump a red robot is if you are riding in the following areas: i. Manenberg ii. Hanover Park iii. Bontheuwel iv. Belhar v. Mitchells Pain vi. Khayelitsha vi. Langa 58. You will upload all activity to Stravaimmediately after your ride. You will enter ALL Challenges on Strava. You will have the Strava App on your mobile phone. You will check Strava at least 10 times during the day. The Strava website must always be open on your work PC/Laptop. You will give all your buddies Kudos. You will never comment on your ride and you will never reply to a comment on your ride. You are allowed to follow the elites on Strava but never analyse their rides, this will lead you into depression. 59. Your spouse plays the role of David Brailsford and the entire Team Sky is to Chris Froome. Your spouse must support you in every department 100%. Everything else revolves around your cycling. 60. Your spouse must never meet your cycling training buddies spouses, this is highly forbidden, this is punishable with a 100 lashes on the spot. 61. Whilst out socializing with normal friends, ie non cycling people, you will NEVER talk about cycling or your cycling efforts, thats your spouses job, your spouse will always be your voice to non cycling friends, you will sit back, smile, and listen. 62. If a non cyclist asks you 'Are you training for the TDF?' or 'When are you riding the TDF?'....headbutt that person and walk away calmly. 63. If a non cyclist ask you 'Are you doing the Argus Cycle Tour or the 94.7?'...the following answers should be said: Yes, im going for my 20th. Yes, im doing it twice...the first time around I will be racing with the Elites and when i finish I will ride to the start and go off with my mommy. Yes, but only if I get an Elite seeding. No, because im training for the TDF. 64. If you organize a training ride, you will never cancel the ride for any reason. 65. If you bonk or get dropped in a race, the following should be said: I got a flat, made it back to the bunch...but then got a second flat. My derailleur broke. I was out the entire day yesterday. I cycled 6hrs yesterday. This was my training ride. My coach said i must ride in zone 2 only with one bottle of water. I didnt see my buddy, so i sat up and waited. This is part of my taper. 66. You will never enter a walking race. 67. You will call in sick for a week, when the TDF hits the mountain stages.
