My second off road MTB ride at 59 years old. The Infested Jungle

[orsum]

The first thing I would like to say is thanks to all who have supported my efforts in getting my blood sugar under control. You know who you are.

 

Ride Two

 

The Infested Jungle

 

Sugar at the start 7.2 would like it to be lower.

 

My bike - a Giant Anthem X 29er with extras I love her!!!!!

 

So here I go again. Eugene is not home. All alone but hey, what can go wrong. Lesson Eleven - plan for the end of the world.

 

It was a simple decision taken in haste the same route as last time. Take it slow safe and no issues?

 

Out the house HR 85 BPM down the road and once again going like a bat out of hell I gently pulled the rear XX World cup brake on but still going sub warp speed, with panic setting in I pulled the brake a lot harder the back wheel started to step out. I thought I was Sarel van der Merwe going sideways through a forest. Down on the crossbar I go thought I was on a speedway track lucky for me my old rally skills kept me upright or should I say

 

I held on for dear life and everything came right. What a bike xxxxx

 

After the first shock of going sideways everything started to settle down changing gears like a pro smiling and waving at the people I know, even started to think about my S2 and when she will be coming back. Mind wandering getting a bit lonely so decided to change the route and keep on the tar for a bit longer.

 

Been riding for about 45 mins, heart rate at 155 and going downhill past my house. It was like I was flying, the tires are humming I’m smiling and waving like I was royalty. I could just make my deal Val’s silhouette in the window she had a beer in one and she was giving me what looked like the V for victory sign, even with the sweat running down my eyes I could see she was thinking that’s my man and I love him. I was on cloud nine - life could not get better!!!!

 

This is where my lessons started again. A car pulled out inches in front of me it felt like I was suddenly woken from a dream, my bodily fluids draining at a rate that can only be described as disgusting my life flashing in front of my sweaty stinging eyes and if it wasn’t for my cat like reactions (miaow) I would have been a bug on the screen. Living where I do (Zinkwazi Beach) and it being a small village how do you tell someone to open their f!@king eyes. Lesson Twelve - keep your eyes on the road don’t swear at a motorist.

 

The ride must go on.

 

Clearing the sweat from my eyes I could see in the distance the snow covered top of Everest. It was just me against the mountains so off I go my legs just a blur pumping my muscles thinking am I on the right road the hill is defiantly much bigger than I thought.

 

Had to stop four times as I felt totally drained. Must have something to so with the body fluids I lost just as the car pulled out in front of me. Lesson Thirteen - always replace body fluids.

 

Ok so once again I am at the top of the village no Eugene for support, no water, mouth feeling like I swallowed a dust pit HR 175 and the dirt track calling me (This song just kept ringing in my head, Should I Stay or Should I Go Now). Most likely cause of my confusion is dehydration.

 

While taking a well-earned rest and trying not to collapse I though the right thing was to show passers-by how fit I am, so I am waving at friends going home putting on a brave face could not speak to anybody out of breath, losing 1 litre of sweat ever minute and mouth now extremely dry.

 

Several passers-by asked why my face was so red they all kindly stop and offered CPR. Sunburn I said (big gasp of air) heart ok I said (big gasp of air). Why all the questions I rode that bike up a mountain - what do they expect me to be like?

 

Rest stop between 5 and 10 min. After my rest HR 115 face now a nice light red blotchy colour and I can talk.

 

So off I go up the back dirt road towards the Sharks Board once again I am in trouble but I summons up my dwindling testosterone and made the final push to the top.

 

Kill a man jaro is exactly what it says – it’s a killer! One long run up a dip and a shorter but much steeper second stage plus the soft stuff. I can only say that as I reached the summit the sun was just going down over the sugar cane. My testosterone was running on oestrogen as my nuts have now disappeared but you know what I did not stop nor did I fall off.

 

Rather than passing out I took the option of sitting down and took the time to check the rolling hills. This is where I had a revelation bike riding involves a lot of sitting down?? And drinking!

 

If only I had a water bottle.

 

So there I am crossed legged sitting on the floor seeing flashing spots in front of my eyes no testosterone left to speak of full of oestrogen and getting all emotional just thinking of the downhill section still to come. Amidst all this emotion I get a cramp in my leg. I will say no more but I was speaking in some sort of foreign tongue with lots of bad words thrown in. Lesson Fourteen - don’t sit down and cross your legs.

 

Stretching my legs took me a good 5 min and I am well rested. Thinking the worse is behind me only the back section which is downhill all the way.

 

So there I am going through the check list like a Boeing pilot, legs check, nuts back in place check, testosterone now on fumes check, bike check, tyres check and suspension set to soft check.

 

Everything was ready to go until it came to my helmet!!!! Were the hell is my helmet. In my rush to get out the house and off on my second ride I forgot it.

 

It was obvious that about an hour and a half ago when I passed the house at warp 9, Val was not in fact showing me the victory sign she was say you forgot you helmet you silly old fart.

 

Simple choice no matter which way I took to get home it was downhill so the hard tar with potholes or the soft dirt.

 

The choice was simple soft dirt.

 

Ok off I go again no big issues take a left this time so I don’t end up killing myself, from what I can see it’s a gradual slow decent. This time there was no mistake it was just as planned until I get to the corner of the field were you turn right and start the next descent. Oh crap should have taken the other route and just like the last ride it’s getting dark.

 

So the first 1/3 is well on the way now I am not sure about this but can one of the technical guys give me and answer on this.

 

Does the Giant Anthem have an engine?

 

I am like Captain Kirk engage and the bike is off like a rocket. Houston calling launch control is in automatic, at this stage all I am is a passenger. Afterburners kicked in and I am just hanging on reciting the Lord’s Prayer. I could swear somebody is behind me pushing that monster of a bike forward.

 

Now unlike the first time were I had an escape route into the field this time is different it’s one track all the way down.

 

There I am still 2/3 of the way to go bike and the old man on a Giant Anthem acting as one fast approaching the speed of light and only the Maestro 4.0 suspension keeping my hopes alive of surviving this onslaught, with my rosary beads trapped on the top frame and I am choking on some sort of bug I just swallowed when the words of Yoda (Eugene) rang out its soft and left my young Padawan.

 

Using my Jedi powers and my almost 2¾ hours of riding experience and the World Cup XX brakes I have used four times, I gently squeezed them again and without thinking, I moved my weight towards the back wheel, that big bush was again calling my name but I just sucked it up, wrote a cheque I was not sure I could cash, closed my eyes, turned left and held on for dear life.

 

Clearly it was almost the right thing to do as I found myself passing the point where I fell off last time.

 

My eyes are now wide open and all is going well moving up the gears and accelerating hard, with all this excitement going on it was about another 10 minutes down the track before I starting to get concerned I have never been here before. Is it time to turn back?

In all the excitement it’s quite possible I missed the turn because my eyes were closed. Lesson Fifteen - don’t close your eyes you may miss your turn

 

Still no problem only a short ride to the gate at the bottom of the village and back onto the tar, only 10 minutes left before reach home. Or so I thought.

 

I arrive at the electrified fence/gate and it’s got this huge chain and padlock fitted. WTH which stupid idiot locked the gate. Personally I think it was the driver of that bloody car that pulled out in front of me. So this is the choice I am faced with.

 

Go back up the back side of Kill a man jaro which I am sure has never been done before a minimum of 45 min walk up hill all the way.

 

Or

 

Take a slight detour down the side of an electrified fence with 5000 volts going through it and a gap which I think I can make it through.

 

What could go wrong ringing in my ears, my confidence is overflowing the beach looks about 50 metres away!! Safety is just over the hill short a cut back once on the beach and then a pathway to the tar road which I can almost see from where I am standing. Cannot be more than 10 minutes max. No brainer 10 minutes and I am home.

 

Off I go taking care not to touch the 5000v and the thorns from hell bushes on my right. Its defiantly getting dark and the ground is turning soft twice now almost fell off. I can feel the static pulling me towards the fence there is a buzzing sound and crackling also coming from the fence.

 

Just then the force took over once again Yoda’s telling “get off the bike, you must, kill yourself you will”, was a clear sign to get off. Just as I am getting off there is what sounded like somebody coming towards me from just inside the bushes.

 

I instantly let my remaining body fluids go and if it wasn’t for the fact I had just sold my left kidney to buy the bike I would have let that go as well.

 

With what I thought was only seconds remaining of my life it was bike on my shoulder and running up a sandy track to the top of what I thought was safety of the sand dune. I dare not look back the noise was getting closer. Thankfully I made it to the top and jumped on the bike.

 

As I was about to launch into the unknown luckily for me I looked down upon The Infested Jungle there was a drop of 30 metres at an angle that can only be described as similar to the White Cliffs of Dover but it was not white!

 

With what sounds like Jason hot on my tail with his axe in hand. I take the plunge there is no way I can ride down so once again I’m off running or should I say dropping to the bottom of the lowest point on earth, its muddy, vines with thorns catching on my legs, spider webs and mosquitoes draining blood like they were vampires I hit the bottom and it was like a swamp and I am sure I saw snakes crocs and if I am not mistaken I even saw the big five.

 

There is still no way I can ride this turbo on wheels so it’s off and running bike on my back again, (must remember my quinine if I ever get home) I am so frightened that I don’t even care about my lungs which by now are on fire and my blood pressure is sitting at 50 bar and a HR 185 plus.

 

I finally make it through The Infested Jungle and up the other side to the top of the sand dune. Without thinking I am on the bike going down towards the sea thinking I have made it suddenly I come off the vegetation and hit the sand the next moment I am flying through the air overtaking the turbo charged beast which is stationary and up to the front axle in soft sand.

 

I think I did a double summersault with a twist in the Olympics I would have come away with gold.

 

There was this almighty thud as my not so slender bum hit the sand that instantly launched me into an upright sitting position looking out to sea. I could hear Jason coming from behind ready to kill me; I closed my eyes and expected the worst.

 

Just then I heard Goldie come here to my embarrassment it was the obligatory dog that seems to follow every bike rider that was running behind me, as she licked the sweat from my I though how lucky I am. Goldie is a big Labrador.

 

Lesson Sixteen - check who is following you before you attempt suicide.

 

Smiling and nodding to the owner of the dog who looked strangely like the driver of the car I almost hit I pull myself together and said nice dog does she always chase bikers the owner said no only idiots like you that don’t look were there going.

 

After a few choice words later I made my dash off the beach or should I say slow crawl. The walk out although quite straight forward it was like walking up a down escalator 400 steps to go 1 metre.

 

So once again I make it home.

 

And who is there to greet me my loving wife “you stupid man” she called out it was just what I needed after my dual with death in The Infested Jungle of Zinkwazi.

 

Between my Tinnitus and her trying to comfort me my vision was returning to normal and I could see she had a beer in one hand and my helmet in the other. The helmet was for me (Type 2 diabetic) oh how I could have killed for a beer.

 

So water it was and after drinking the equivalent of the Zinkwazi Lagoon I could feel I was starting to return to a semi normal state I could also feel my Testosterone returning to normal.

 

Now my demands on my loving wife are small so I thought I would ask for some help to take my top off as my top was stuck to my body “I’m not touching you” rang out needless to say she helped peeled it off and within the blink of an eye she said go and shower you smell.

 

With a sparkle in her eye she whispered what would you like for supper. I know she loves me. Glad I saved some testosterone for later!!!

 

This is where I should have done what she said. But like an idiot and because I love my bike and that my turbocharged Giant never complained once I decided she needed some TLC. So I called Val and said love before I shower I will just give the bike a wash and polish pass me my washing stuff.

 

Was that the wrong thing to say “you love that bike more than me” now how do you answer that??????

 

Yes I made supper that night.

 

Once again bikers I had a fantastic time.

 

Lesson Seventeen - Wash the bike the next day.

 

After the ride to The Infested Jungle and back I check my blood sugar and it dropped to 6.2 this riding stuff really works maybe one day I can have a beer again.

 

The Challenge!

 

Eugene said before I left this morning two laps later today.

Master Biker versus would like to be a Master Biker.

So I know my place but you know what he could get a shock the secret weapon could be launched sooooooooooooooon.

 

orsum

Edited October 7, 2013 by orsum

[SeeKooigaap]

Brilliant Story, Just what I needed this morning, Lesson fourteen is a nasty one......

[Surv0MTB]

Had to break the story up into 4 segments before I could finish it

 

nice read

[scotty]

Good read

[ruib]

Had a good laugh,thanks.

[deanbean]

Great read, thanks for the laugh.

[Slowbee]

great laugh!

 

but where is ride 1 ?

[orsum]

Ride one

 

https://community.bikehub.co.za/topic/131638-my-first-off-road-mtb-ride-at-59-years-old/

 

orsum

[MONS]

Great read......! hehehehe! What a pleasure to live there! Beautiful place!

[Andyr249]

Great read! Glad you are enjoying your riding.

 

Can't wait for the next episode! ;-)

[shaper]

Keep posting your rides... is a good reminder to new and old of why we ride and what enjoyment can be had !... Sometimes we forget...

[orsum]

Hi Everybody,

 

Been sitting on the pan for the past 6 days saddle sore but feeling better now.

 

The good news is Sunday Eugene and two others are coming to Zinkwazi for The Infested Jungle take two.

 

And the launch of my secret weapon is being put into motion today

 

orsum

[Cassie]

Go Orsum...go!! Or shall we rename you to Awesome!!?

[orsum]

The secret weapon has been launched

 

More in the next ride of a 59 year old.

 

orsum

[LONE TWO]

great read had a good laugh