Dear Discovery Vitality... I write this post IRO of Apple watch. Calling all Autobots.. I Mean Discovery Vitality Members, I have the long sort after answers to successfully utilizing the Apple watch with the weekly fitness goals. I refer to the 30 minute workout to earn 300 points. Firstly: Don't think of this as a 30 minute workout.... Its a 30 minute RACE!!!!! Unless you are a 1 legged 89 senior citizen, with a triple by pass and high blood pressure, its going to be quite difficult to get your heart rate up to the desired rate for the full duration. Secondly: Expect you heart rate reading to be as accurate as a compass made using a thorn in placed in a mud puddle... so you are going to have to keep your heart rate higher than the required rate (based on how old and fat you are), to combat the law of averages. Thirdly: Take a running start. SO HERE WE GO!!!!!!!! Mount your weapon of choice - for me its the spin bike, so I will use this as a reference. Stretch before hand as you are going to have to accelerate from zero to "AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH" in a few minutes. Step 1: Take preworkout. Caffeine is your friend. In fact take double what the bottle says. If you feeling as you are seconds from death then you are spot on. Step 2: Get the bike and start peddling as if you were Oscar Pistorius evading a bail hearing. DON'T START YOUR WORKOUT ON YOUR WATCH YET THOUGH!!!!! No no, we need to build up cardiac tempo. Step 3: From the time screen scroll up, then left or right to the heart rate sensor. This will give you and indicator of when you can start you work. Like Little Bears porridge it must be JUUUUUUUUUST RIGHT!!! For me the magic number is 150BPM Step 4: When you heart rate hits the magic number, start your workout on your watch. Remember for every minute your heart rate is a beat under target, you have to exceed the target by the same margin for a minute. Hence without the warm up my heart rate could be 130 for 10 minutes, meaning I need to raise it to 170 for 10 minutes to average 150 over 30 mins. Step 5: DRUM AND BASE.... or GENERAL DOOF DOOF! Music of a high tempo will help distract your conscience from the physical pain you are experiencing, plus the dancing will also help camouflage any cardiac arrest episodes. The last thing you want is a nosy paramedic interruption your mission for 300 points and a chance at a free coffee. Step 6: Ignore what your body is telling you. If your throat is burning as if you gargled Hydrochloric Acid, and your lungs feel as if you inhaled mustard gas - YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!! KEEP IT UP! Step 7: Stay away from the light Step 8: Pray just to be safe Step 9: If you can talk.............peddle faster Step 10: Keep plugging away until you get to thirty means Step 11: Stop the workout on 30 minutes and feel free to fall over. In summary that's my trade secret - feel free to use is. Discovery Vitality, feel free to use this in your next news letter. Maybe title it.... "What is all the b!tching about you little sissies" Oh while watching the highlights real of my life while on the bike this morning, I realised where the name Discovery Vitality came from Possibility 1: The paramedics have to "Discover Vitals" after you collapse. Possibility 2: Disco Vites, as in Disco Vitamins. Because building houses on the main dance floor at 330 with your sunglasses on sweating like Jacobs lawyer in Con Court is how I felt this morning. And before you people at the BIG D, try judge my fitness, I maintained a 175bpm average over 30 minutes at gym this morning so I'm fairly fit. Albeit that at 26m my heart rate magically dropped to 68 for 90 seconds, then back up to 176. That must have been when I when I was chatting to St Pete. OK that's about all I have to say about that. Love you long time, A previously happy client. PS: Whats Momentum's number again? PPS: Please contact your life insurance division and ask them to remove from my list of extreme sports: Dinosaur Wrestling Lava Baths Catching Bullets with my face Cable Theft And simply add "Gym" Oh and up my cover by R10,000,000. My kids need new pajamas. Kisses
