Honkdonk

Thought as much. She is trying her usual tactics to which I don't respond to.. I still keep in regular contact with the kids through video calls a few times a week. They are doing well and have adjusted nicely, which is good to see. A very different life to what they were accustomed to here. Which is actually a good thing. Still very hard though

Here's a question for the legal buffs.. My ex and I were married and subsequently divorced here in SA under the SA legal system. She is now resident in NZ with the kids. As far as I know nothing changes as the divorce order and settlement agreement is written and signed on SA soil and any disputes that may arise we need to do our best to settle amicably and not in a court of law with associated costs. We haven't gotten to that stage yet, and hopefully never will, but every now and then she throws something out there saying that I fall under the NZ law. They are not citizens yet and I reckon she is just being full of the brown stuff. Should I decide relocate to NZ or the UK in the near future then things will change. Anyone have experience with this?

Indeed, but its the only way I get to see what my kids are up too.. I don't engage in her tirades on SM. She just makes a fool of herself.

My ex still wont relent on the insults and constant social media bashing. I do my best to ignore it, but it cuts deep and she always has to have the last word. I have learnt this over the years and wont give in to her taunts. She always finds reason and means to give it to me. Worst is she is in another country and I cant really do much about it. But what will be will be. We need to be bigger/better person and let it go, as hard as it is.

I'm not a muso per se.. Bought a drum kit back in the 90's as a student and played in a pub band with mates every weekend for a while. Gave that up and moved on into being the person who makes the muso sound as good as they can be.. Crap in = crap out. It doesnt get any better. Did that for a number of years and toured the country and world with select artists. Now I'm a behind the scenes person who makes them on stage as comfortable as possible. Its a symbiotic type of relationship. Without me you dont have a platform to perform. Without you I dont have a gig.. Spent a lot of time over the year with muso's. My grandfather was an exceptionally talented piano and clarinet player and I have seen it follow through to my eldest daughter. Pity that at such a young age she wont understand the natural talent she has. Maybe one day. Its a skill and talent that I admire in anyone who is able to play music. You are able to harness something into another dimension that the rest of the mortals on this earth can't fathom. Much respect! I dont really do small shows anymore but do the larger productions and I love seeing a small garage type band grace the stage of a stadium or arena and have access to the biggest PA, a split monitor and FoH system with individual mixes. Its a big learning curve.. I recently spent 5 weeks in Europe touring with a certain CT based artist and band and it was a great experiance for all of us. I was tour manager dealing with daily schedules, technical advance for each venue, tour accounting, tour routing with the bus driver - 22 shows in 5 weeks. Border crossing (according to Swiss Customs we were a cycling team), Radio and TV promo work and general herding of cats. If you can manage to keep up a cycling and musical hobby.. big Kudos! Neither are cheap, unless you play the cowbell or triangle..

For sure.. Leaves me thinking a lot about the integrity and honesty of people..

Its been a while since I posted here, but I am glad to see the thread is alive and well. Things have moved on, its a new year and raw emotions and wounds have healed (to an extent) On the kids front - they have settled in. I am figuring out the best time when I can go over to visit them. I still get a unnecessary amount of crap from the ex. Unfortunately its the kids that suffer in this. She doesn't learn.. I have seen it now through mates eyes, and also those around me who are going through the same thing. For those out there who are going through it in one way or another. Be strong and keep focused. It may seem like a long journey with many bumps and hurdles - Truth be told, IT IS! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Now, moving on.. The dating game I don't play. I just go out for drinks with people and things just seem to happen. All i can say is that there is a LOT of unhappily married folk (women) out there. If you think you are happy and all is good, be warned... The surface is covered in oil therefore you cant really see what is going on below.. Maybe it's the company I keep, I dunno.. But I have heard some horror stories, and I pity the partner who is back at home.

Patensie. Reach out bud. We are here for you.

True story. My ex never failed at anything. The only thing that ever failed in her life was her/our marriage. Hence the constant anger and resentment towards me. Even though she says she is not angry and has forgiven me, her actions speak otherwise.

The more I think about the more it makes sense. I told her a clean break. No more communication. She left that up to me. While I enjoyed the time spent and we both got attached, its a better move. She needs to figure things out for herself. And, yes, while it may be festive holiday season and its nice and familiar and romantic like, it may not work out at all. But I cant dwell on that. Going back into any relationship is hard work and takes extra dedication to make it. I know as my ex and I tried and it just wasn't going to be. On another note. This will be a tough Christmas without the kids. Its just not the same. At least I am working through and only get 24/25th off so at least I can get my head away from all matters of the heart.

Ah feck! I got involved with a woman who was going through her own divorce, but it hadn't gone all the way. She had been split from her husband for 2 years. She had moved on. Bought her own place, moved in and we were good, saw each other for thee last 5 months and it was amazing. Like nothing I had never experienced before in all aspects. BUT, they were not divorced. I respected her position with him. He then took her out for dinner last week and dropped a bomb. He wanted to have another go at things. Took her from the blindside. She has decided to give it a go. 12 years is worth saving over 5 months. I get it. Divorce is not easy. If you can save it, save it. Even if she knows what she 'could' be going back to. It could be better. Or not. Guess I was that guy.. Just as I thought things were getting easier

Its different for everyone. Like for bringing up kids, there is no manual. Same goes for divorce. Whilst the legal process is fairly straightforward, its the behind the scenes crap which is where we get lost. Divorce brings out sides in people you never knew existed. Brace yourself

Not having looked at costs there, it was my first guesstimate.. Once I get an idea of school holidays etc I'll be able to fine tune, but thats the figure I had in mind. At least if it ends up being 60k I'll be greatfull. Rather overs than unders..

Hey Landy. Its going ok thanks We communciate via whatsapp every other day or so. Not as much as I'd like but its the best of a *** situation. The time difference makes it tricky. They have started schools and are settling in, but its still fresh - it will be a month on Thursday. My youngest adapts to anything. She's the type that throws the door open and announces her arrival whereas my eldest is the total opposite. She is in a school temporarily until the end of year and then begins her perm school next year, so thats another change and effort to make friends. I feel deeply for her. I went through it 3 times before I was 11 - moved from Zambia to the UK, then to Canada and then landed up in Orkney in the old Wes Transvaal in the Oct of '82 so I know well what its like to change schools and to try and get a circle of friends. But from what I am told, people over there are very accommodating, friendly and respectful As for me? I cleared up all their left over toys, books etc this week into a crate and packed it away. That was hard. Signs of them all round my house. I sold their bunks in no time and now have a spare room for bikes and other bits and pieces. I need to look at moving out of my place into something smaller and cheaper. I dont need the space I have. I need a simple lock up and go. I am very busy with work with lots going on, so that keeps me occupied thankfully. My lady friend and I are keeping things light and easy. I guess the worse part is not knowing when I will see them again, so I need to hatch a plan for that, the hurdle is you cant go to NZ for a week, it needs to be 10 - 14 days and that comes at a price. My rough estimates put it at around 80 - 100k for flights, accom, car rental, spending money etc. Not exactly small change.. My ex wont have me staying at their place - for now that is... things might change. The first week was very hard though. I was close to tears every day and still am at times. A song on the radio, or a shelf in the shop with mags and toys, the sight of a young family at a restaurant etc.. Time heals, but it doesn't take away from the reality of a new normal.

It is done. Off they go to new horizons, new beginnings and a new life. We swam, we walked, we talked and we cried when it was time to say goodbye.. Alot

For sure Landy. Few understand and it helps to have a thread like this to talk openly about it. When I am next in CT (mid Nov it looks like) I'll send you a PM and we can have a beer and chat.

Thanks guys. I am not taking them to the airport. We had a row over it. They are spending the evening at Kloofzicht so I will spend the morning with them over breakfast and then walking and swimming while the ex repacks all their bags, then I'll say my goodbyes around lunchtime and leave them to settle after I have gone. Tomorrow will be one of the hardest days of my life

Thanks Guy. Appreciate it

Interesting reading, this thread. My ex and my kids move over next week. So I have been following this carefully just to get an handle on how you lot manage and operate. For the most part it all seems good. She will be taking up a position at the University of Otago in Dunedin, and it seems to be a fairly good paying gig and she has done her budget calculations so she knows what she can and can't afford. I will be looking at NZ as an option in the coming years for sure

Sold the kids bunk beds today.. Cleaned out their room, took my eldest daughters posters down off the wall above her bed, and packed away a lot of the stuff they want to take with them. Its all a bit numbing.

Haha. You buggers! I have a good mate who lives in Walvis Bay and does overland tours out to the desert and waaay beyond to Angola, DRC and beyond.. It's Hilux country..

No outsiders needed for the trip to the airport. However a gathering of good mates once I get home would be most welcome.. New beginnings and a new normal

T minus 16 days for when my kids leave for NZ.. I have had good days and boy, have I had bad ones... She wants me to take them all to the airport on the 18th which I will do, and it will be very difficult, but I have to do it. Once they are gone, then I will relook things - Do I need a 4 door car? No. Do I need a 2 bed apartment? No. Do I need to stay in Jhb or even SA? No. But no rational or irrational decisions will be made until I am ready.

Its a fair comment this. It will be put to the test for sure. But its up to me to make the best of a bad situation. The kids had their last visit with my folks yesterday. It was a hard goodbye for the grandparents. They go overseas this week and get back after the kids leave. Emotionally it is very hard. My appetite has vanished along with any desire to get on my bike and ride. I have good folk around who support me and listen. I find the best way to deal with things is to talk about it and not keep things bottled up. Its a new normal

So they leave on the 18th October. I spent this afternoon getting all the documentation signed and done. I sent my eldest daughter a email yesterday. We created a gmail account for her a while back, she doesn't have access to it yet. But I wanted to tell her how i felt and what my reasons were for leaving her Mom and how I felt about them leaving. I sobbed hard. Tears and snot pouring while I typed it out. I don't expect her to read it or reply, yet - I just needed to get it off my chest and some times its easier to write than it is to talk. I never ever thought it would come to this