Advice on Divorce

[Stretch]

To reaffirm what eddy said above. Friends of ours had the most amicable divorce ever.. Cost them hardly anything... Ten years later they he spent a packet on legal fees due to maintenance issues... Now I'm not sure if that can all be attributed to the fact that he is an asshole... Or because they didn't get it all bedded down in the beginning.. But something to bear in mind

[New Landy new life]

My condolences though, dude. It's not lekker.

 

Chin up, take it day by day and don't do anything rash.

 

Thanks, it is really tough as I came back from 3 weeks hard graft in Nigeria to an empty house, The wife took my son and went up country to her folks for Christmas so I am stuck here by myself and that make's it even worse.

Went for a nice walk up Table Mountain to clear my head a little, but as soon as you slow down the pain comes back.

[Stretch]

Thanks, it is really tough as I came back from 3 weeks hard graft in Nigeria to an empty house, The wife took my son and went up country to her folks for Christmas so I am stuck here by myself and that make's it even worse.

Went for a nice walk up Table Mountain to clear my head a little, but as soon as you slow down the pain comes back.

Jeez... That's rough dude. That would absolutely infuriate me... Get together with some mates for Christmas if your can

[Amberdrake]

That sucks horrible. 

From what I have seen with my friend going thru the whole story, mediation worked well. As long as everyone adheres to the agreements and everything is amicable it works out well.

Friend when to see lawyer before for advice to ensure he gets a fair deal.

[HeyYou]

You can do it yourselves, but I'd recommend a mediator as first step. They'll sit you both down, go through alles and get an equitable solution for both of you. You can each get your own lawyers for advice initially, but I'd hold off involving them unless the mediation doesn't work. Going straight to the lawyers will cost a crapload.

 

With mediation, a single party acts for both. Their job is to get to the most equitable and realistic outcome as possible, without arguing for every quarter.

 

That's where I am at the moment. Second round of mediation happens in January, for me and the ex.

 

2nd this!!!

 

Been there twice and my best advice is to keep it as amicable as possible. Start with a mediator, she/he is non adversarial, as Myles says, works in the interest of both parties. Her/his report, findings, make a good starting place for an amicable as possible divorce.

 

Good luck, the pain never goes away, but you learn to accept it and live with it. 

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Thanks, it is really tough as I came back from 3 weeks hard graft in Nigeria to an empty house, The wife took my son and went up country to her folks for Christmas so I am stuck here by myself and that make's it even worse.

Went for a nice walk up Table Mountain to clear my head a little, but as soon as you slow down the pain comes back.

Holy crap. Sorry, dude. That's not cool.

[mecheng89]

Wow, just wow. I'm getting married soon and if after 21 years of marriage, 2 kids, one touching Matric something fails, it doesn't put me in high spirits! I'm very certain you and your soon-to-be tried. No option of counselling thought, sounds harsh.

 

I have no advice to give. I suppose you can make it as amicable as you can, but seek professional counsel. Were you married ANC with or without accrual? 

[mecheng89]

Thanks, it is really tough as I came back from 3 weeks hard graft in Nigeria to an empty house, The wife took my son and went up country to her folks for Christmas so I am stuck here by myself and that make's it even worse.

Went for a nice walk up Table Mountain to clear my head a little, but as soon as you slow down the pain comes back.

Geez man, I'm sure the carpet was ripped from under you. Keep us posted on the progress, if that doesn't sound too twisted. 

[mecheng89]

 

 

 

You DO need a lawyer. even if you think it is going to be amicable, it will not be.

 

Trying to do it yourself is penny wise and pound foolish. What you stand to lose in a bad settlement is much more that a lawyer would cost you. See a lawyer.

 

Some other bits of advice :

 

Look after your own interests first. Unless you do you will not be able to look after your son's interests which I figure is what you would want to do.

 

Don't give away any more than you have to. It won't buy you any goodwill from your ex and will do you no good.

 

Don't agree to pay your ex ANY alimony or maintenance, not even R1.00. Pay as much as you can afford for your son though. You have an obligation to put a roof over his head, food in his mouth and education for his benefit, etc. Pay his share of their living expenses as long as he lives with her. If you do this sensibly, when he no longer does, payment to her should stop. 

 

See a lawyer.

 

Use a condom. If you are single and solvent you will have more sex than you have grown use to after 21 years of marriage. You do not  want to pick up a STI and definitely DO NOT want to become a father again at 47. I am not suggesting that someone will lie to you about being clean or on the Pill,  but best you look after yourself.

 

I LOLéd. Speaking from experience? 

[New Landy new life]

Wow, just wow. I'm getting married soon and if after 21 years of marriage, 2 kids, one touching Matric something fails, it doesn't put me in high spirits! I'm very certain you and your soon-to-be tried. No option of counselling thought, sounds harsh.

 

I have no advice to give. I suppose you can make it as amicable as you can, but seek professional counsel. Were you married ANC with or without accrual? 

 

Just some advice based on what went wrong with me, don't try be too demanding on how things should be or how the kid's get raised.  Go easy on wife and kids and join in with everything that they enjoy and don't try make them always follow the way you see the world and how things should be according to the way you may have been raised.  I have learnt the very hard way.

Never go to sleep angry either.

[Gen]

 

 

Just some advice based on what went wrong with me, don't try be too demanding on how things should be or how the kid's get raised. Go easy on wife and kids and join in with everything that they enjoy and don't try make them always follow the way you see the world and how things should be according to the way you may have been raised. I have learnt the very hard way.

Never go to sleep angry either.

Easy tiger...don't be too hard on yourself it takes 2.

 

All the best during these troubled times.

 

 

 

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[Stretch]

I LOLéd. Speaking from experience?

I did too.. But a mates mate is also divorced and 45 and hes got people of the female persuasion literally lining up outside his door

[IceCreamMan]

You don’t mention how your ANC contract is structured, with or without accrual. If without your only obligation is towards your son and you have t contribute towards his expenses only. If with the accrual you will need to draw up yr list of assets and she hers and whichever estate has accrued the most over the marriage needs to payout to the estate which accrued the least. Inheritances are excluded however, as the old man is still alive it’s a null point, you will only inherit on death, not before.

 

The courts favour a one off payment these days thus whoever’s estate is larger makes a one off payment to the other if this is possible and it’s a clean break. Try to avoid any future based payments Except obviously child related costs.

 

Alimony is an outdated concept, she is still young enough to carry on working so you shouldn’t be liable. As a previ0s poster mentioned don’t even agree to 1 rand a month, this will cause you pain later.

 

I have a law degree but work in contract law not family law, I would suggest the 2 of you draw up a list of assets and how you going to split them etc and perhaps get a lawyer to finalize it. If you are the plaintiff you will need to go to court.

 

Now into the personal aspect, sorry man this sucks the large. Divorce no matter hOw justified is never easy, good luck. Take time out to work this new out, 46 is still young these days but clear yr head before going bos with the ladies. Nothing wrong with having another kid later on in life, I did that. A blessing.

 

Good luck man

Edited December 24, 2017 by IceCreamMan

[Gen]

I did too.. But a mates mate is also divorced and 45 and hes got people of the female persuasion literally lining up outside his door

Does this work the same way for women...

 

Asking for a friend.[emoji6]

 

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[New Landy new life]

You don’t mention how your ANC contract is structured, with or without accrual. If without your only obligation is towards your son and you have t contribute towards his expenses only. If with the accrual you will need to draw up yr list of assets and she hers and whichever estate has accrued the most over the marriage needs to payout to the estate which accrued the least. Inheritances are excluded however, as the old man is still alive it’s a null point, you will only inherit on death, not before.

 

The courts favour a one off payment these days thus whoever’s estate is larger makes a one off payment to the other if this is possible and it’s a clean break. Try to avoid any future based payments Except obviously child related costs.

 

Alimony is an outdated concept, she is still young enough to carry on working so you shouldn’t be liable. As a previ0s poster mentioned don’t even agree to 1 rand a month, this will cause you pain later.

 

I have a law degree but work in contract law not family law, I would suggest the 2 of you draw up a list of assets and how you going to split them etc and perhaps get a lawyer to finalize it. If you are the plaintiff you will need to go to court.

 

Now into the personal aspect, sorry man this sucks the large. Divorce no matter hOw justified is never easy, good luck. Take time out to work this new out, 46 is still young these days but clear yr head before going bos with the ladies. Nothing wrong with having another kid later on in life, I did that. A blessing.

 

Good luck man

I am not sure of the legal terminology of my ANC, but all I know is that what we came into the marriage with and what we inherit remains our own, but anything we bought while married gets split.  Marrying at 24 we did not have much except a small car each.

 

I don't plan on chasing the ladies no, not for now, but it has been lonely without and if something comes up, I may see what happens gently.  I had the snip at 29 y.o when I was done with our two kid's so definitely no more offspring.

[Gen]

I am not sure of the legal terminology of my ANC, but all I know is that what we came into the marriage with and what we inherit remains our own, but anything we bought while married gets split. Marrying at 24 we did not have much except a small car each.

 

I don't plan on chasing the ladies no, not for now, but it has been lonely without and if something comes up, I may see what happens gently. I had the snip at 29 y.o when I was done with our two kid's so definitely no more offspring.

Just double check your dad's will and make 100% sure that clause is in it..

 

 

 

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