This is one of the most significant threads of the year and for many a reason –we are all in relationships even if it is with ourselves (not in that way boys!) The comments made by the likes of Intern and Paul made me rethink my situation and how I act in my relationship. We all have our baggage and that cost me my first marriage –yes she did cheat but it’s easy to point fingers but I have to accept that I was also responsible. The day I found out I was in a state and just wanted to get out of there, No use fighting the damage was done. Luckily no kids and we sorted out the Admin quickly. Had a good friend that never said anything bad about it-he was just around and helped me cope. You need these support structures. Got stuck into my IM training and that helps when you are away most of the weekend and too tired to think the rest of the week, man it’s the thinking that gets you as you move through the stages of grief. But it hurts and takes up so much of one’s thoughts. Recently I thought I had my stuff together and then my coach recommended a book called the Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters. Sometimes things that we know are truth just need to be presented in a way that makes sense, you know, and this book helped me to control the Chimp and it helps not only in my marriage but in life in general. I guess everyone has stated the obvious: It hurts like a bitchYou will get angry, doubt yourself and cry-its normal and you will get through it. See it as a processHave a support structure from mates right through to a kickass lawyerHave some kind of system/Understanding/diagnostic/template that makes you recognize your behavior and where you are in this mess. That just helps you go: “Ah okay-I am in Denial, this is why and how and what I should do/not do”. It helps to have a structure in all the chaos of emotion and events. Be fair and don’t get to emotional-you cannot be a stoic but try not to let the chimp out (See Dr Peter’s book comment above)Stay busy-yes your thoughts will go back to what was-but the busy helps it doesn’t take it away.It will end-someone once said –It will be okay in the end –if its not okay its not the end.Try to stay positive and if you can’t –Talk-see a counsellor, priest, therapist, mate, post on the thread here just get it out of your system.Don’t get involved to quickly-you are not thinking straight and she is not the woman of your dreams –you are in rebound. And even by some miracle she is the right one-stay cool and clearheaded. If that little voice of doubt peaks out –it’s probably right. Try to be the better person but not a walkover-this I guess is one of the hardest things as I somehow stupidly thought she is going to have a Damascus experience and come running back into my arms if I compromise-that’s not gonna happen so stay as realistic as you can. Empower yourself –when I ended up alone I couldn’t even cook rice or fry and egg, now I slay it in the kitchen, and its good therapy. By empowering yourself you will get confidence back and meet new people.Just take it day by day and always make progress to where you want to see yourself in the next week, month, year.
