Catatonic_Joe Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Article published on the Getaway website today, fun reading... There’s a thing that climbers say when asked why they climb mountains. ‘Because it’s there.’ What does that even mean, climbers? If we adopted that mantra in our everyday lives we’d all be annexing street poles and eating cake for breakfast. Ask a mountain biker that question and you’ll likely get something a little more complicated, such as an infographic on the back of a napkin detailing the holy trinity of balance, power and control and a three-day lean meal plan on the other side. That might sound too complicated, but on a recent trip to KwaZulu-Natal to sniff out some great mountain bike trails (full story in the December issue of Getaway), I discovered that ‘complicated’ is not necessarily a bad thing. Riding those trails got me wondering how many times I’d enjoyed doing something so much that I wanted nothing more than to complicate the hell out of it; to explore every aspect of it; to dedicate an inordinate amount of time (and sometimes money) to pursuing it. I think that’s something missing in many of our lives and it’s something mountain bikers do better than a lot of us. In the days that followed, greasing my nipples in the hope that some of that dedication would rub on too, I learned a few more things that mountain bikers do better than most. 1. Lying I’ve been told that a lot of lawyers have taken up mountain biking recently, which might have something to do with my recent findings, but if ever you find yourself riding up a hill with a group of mountain bikers, trust no one. You’re not almost at the top. There’s no lovely downhill just over the next crest and the pain is not all in your mind. It’s literally happening to your body and you are, as you feared, in hell. Don’t let anyone tell you the burning in your thighs is you getting stronger. It’s not. It’s actually fire, being blowtorched into your Lycra by Beelzebub himself. The pain is real. This is your life now. Remember, you decided to do this. 2. Suffering Here’s the thing though: once you bring yourself to lift your head from cursing at the useless meat socks you thought were your legs, you’ll see that you’re not the only one in the seventh circle of hell. Mountain bikers love pain. I’m not sure what sins they committed in their past lives but out on those trails I saw penance of Catholic proportions. Masochism is a monastery in the mountains that welcomes bikers indiscriminately. Or so I thought… After a particularly gruelling stretch in the hills surrounding Isandlwana, I stopped under a tree and grumbled something to SuperCycling presenter Gerald de Kock (who was doing a few casual lunges to keep flagellated) about how tough the blokes in front were. He said, ‘That’s nothing. Women are even tougher on the hills. Boy do they know how to suffer.’ ‘That makes sense, I mean they’ve had to endure centuries of the patriarchy,’ is something I would have said if I my mouth wasn’t full of a lung I’d just coughed up. Anyway, my point is, the small adversities you overcome daily – that extra flight of stairs, staying late at work ‘for the greater good’, walking the dogs even though it’s raining – mountain bikers do with pleasure and a smile on their faces that sort of looks like a grimace in the right light. Show me someone who’ll gleefully martyr themselves at the dinner table with your in-laws and I’ll show you a mountain biker. 3. Justifying a shopping spree Have you been into a bicycle shop lately? It’s like Hamleys, just with more stuff that can poke you. In this glorious world, bottles come in cages and sprockets have rockets. There are hubs and skewers and clamps and ramps. Things cleat, bleed, derail and rotorate and all of them are very important. It’s a chromatic assault on the senses and impossible to leave without something shiny. It’s also worth noting that the price of that something is inversely proportional to how much it weighs. I’m but an amateur and even I’ve started an emergency account for any time I walk past a bicycle shop because there’s always something in there that’s really important to ‘my riding’. No, I’m serious. It’s vital. And I must have it. 4. Using the word ‘lube’ in earnest Behind every great industrialisation there is an even greater lubrication. It’s true. The modern world would be nothing without moving parts and moving parts (mostly) don’t move unless they’re lubricated. Lube, dear friends, is the glue that holds us together. Mountain bikers know this and care nothing for your immature sniggers when discussing its uses. They also know that a cyclist is as much a tool as their bicycle and if one requires lube, then so does the other. Sometimes they can be heard early in the mornings, out on the trails, asking fellow riders one very serious question: ‘Did your oil your tool this morning?’ 5. Sartorial conviction Let’s be frank. Off of their bicycles, mountain bikers look a bit ridiculous. I’ve heard the term ‘mountain prawn’ bandied about and while I’ve yet to see a prawn with two legs that’s not in an Ocean Basket advert there’s definitely something extraterrestrial about a walking cyclist. The wonderful thing is that most don’t seem to care. I’ve seen a grown man turn an Uber around because he didn’t realise how pink his shirt looked in ‘street light’. I’ve also sat next to a mountain biker in a bar merrily eating peanuts and drinking a beer with their helmet still on. You tell me who’s winning here… 6. Getting back up again That motivational MP3 that you listen to on the way to work every morning is wrong. Learning how to ‘get up’ after metaphorically falling down is about as useful as learning how to cross-stitch your way out of a gang fight. Do you know who actually falls down? Mountain bikers. They fall down all the time (some more than others). Mountain bikers know what forests taste like. They also still make regular donations to the tooth fairy and, when feeling frivolous, will sometimes wrap themselves around a tree like a bacon oepsie. They always get back up again. Almost always. 7. Never skipping leg day EVERY DAY IS LEG DAY. Original Article:http://www.getaway.co.za/travel-news/everyday-things-a-mountain-biker-will-kick-your-ass-at/
Raydek Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 (and sometimes money) HAhahahaha... sometimes... funny guy.. but otherwise very cool article
Catatonic_Joe Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 I disagree with the lying, mountain bikers are honest. well, most of the time, it's the roadies that you need to be careful for.
RocknRolla Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Wanna read this dudes story once he tried his hand at a singlepseed in the wind, on the wrong side of a mountain.
Uni Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 The amount of times I've heard the lie "you're almost at the top" by well meaning ppl flying past me on the hills *nod* yup hahaa.
Lurch Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 "It’s actually fire, being blowtorched into your Lycra by Beelzebub himself" - this has to be one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. haha
Sarge Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Hey guys, good giggle on a Friday morning, now I am ready for the weekend. Ready to lie, suffer and lube.Have a good oneSarge
worriesnot Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Hey guys, good giggle on a Friday morning, now I am ready for the weekend. Ready to lie, suffer and lube.Have a good oneSarge In that specific order?
Catatonic_Joe Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 I found Sartorial Conviction the funniest... 'mountain prawn'.
NelAndre Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Ha ha great article....loved it....especially this but which I really relate to.... "I’m but an amateur and even I’ve started an emergency account for any time I walk past a bicycle shop because there’s always something in there that’s really important to ‘my riding’. No, I’m serious. It’s vital. And I must have it."
Pants Boy Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Reminds me of "We're not going that far" = "Bring your Passport"
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