Advice on Divorce

[Honkdonk]

Haha. Cooking for one missions!  What a ball ache.

Tonights dinner becomes tomorrows lunch! The amount of wastage initially was crazy but I have since managed to streamline nicely and kept it to a minimum. I also work away a lot so get fed and watered on someone else's account which helps too.

I learnt to cook when I was still married and have expanded on my depth of meals since.

When my kids my come over I do a good stock up of the fridge and cupboards and it does me well for a while after.

 

Candleit dinners for one arent exactly romantic but at least you dont have to do the washing up straight away and you can choose your menu, backgorund music and beverage choice.

There is a sense of joy in finding yourself again.

I live like a bachelor, but not te student type as I was years ago, but a professional one with bikes taking the place of ashtrays and empty bankies of DP.. 

 

I havent had the pleasure of enjoying the joys of the female species again, but I couldnt be bothered to be honest. I dont hang out in bars nor do I give a rats ass for dating sites and apps like Tinder. All in good time, buth there are other more important things to focus on.

 

All I know is that the next time I get involved things will be very different.

[Odinson]

According to some there is a manual or two available, but it was written a few thousand years ago and the publishers (and copyright owners) are a little reluctant to issue an updated edition, that excludes the bits about wife beating, killing disobedient children and the conducting of righteous genocide, and instead includes some useful bits about social media, telephone etiquette and how to drive a car....

 

I've never understood why someone would beat their wife! It's like keying your own car. It's your wife!

 

(Stole that from Jimmy Carr).

[Escapee..]

I've never understood why someone would beat their wife! It's like keying your own car. It's your wife!

 

(Stole that from Jimmy Carr).

 

Hi Odinson

[Odinson]

Hi Odinson

 

¡Hola!

[Paul Ruinaard]

As soon as you think you have things figured out IMO you are going to be humbled by life's curveballs. 

 

FWIW: I cant stand the folks who think they have it all figured out and have life plans written up and goals and bucket lists. They make me feel inadequate.

 

Aging sucks but the one of the benefits are that once you reach a certain age you figure out that not much is major, you can overcome most issues in some way or another with the right attitude, that there is no correct way and you aren't going to get out alive.

 

If you enjoy spilling your guts on internet forums to strangers and it helps you get through some tough times (and the hub has in many ways been about a lot more than cycling) then go ahead. 

 

There are some pretty clever people on this forum and they have given me food for thought many times.

 

I think we also all get our vicarious needs met and would probably enjoy all the strokes and flames we get here - we feel like we belong. So its not without a two way trade (I know i do ).

 

At this point i reckon that the best thing to do is insert the lyrics of Baz Luhrmann's "Wear Sunscreen" which is probably one of the mantras of my life cause it addresses about 90% of what is being said here better than i can:

 

Or the song is here on Youtube:

 

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97
Wear sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future
Sunscreen would be it

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
Whereas the rest of my advice
Has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience
I will dispense this advice now

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth
Oh, never mind
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded
But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself
And recall in a way you can't grasp now
How much possibility lay before you
And how fabulous you really looked
You are not as fat as you imagine

Don't worry about the future
Or worry
But know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindside you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday
Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind
The race is long
And in the end, it's only with yourself

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how

Keep your old love letters
Throw away your old bank statements

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
Some of the most interesting 60 year olds I know still don't

Get plenty of calcium

Be kind to your knees
You'll miss them when they're gone

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't
Maybe you'll divorce at 40
Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's
Enjoy your body
Use it every way you can
Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own

Dance

Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them
Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly

Get to know your parents
You never know when they'll be gone for good

Be nice to your siblings
They are the best link to your past
And the people most likely to stick with you in the future

Understand that friends come and go
But for the precious few you should hold on
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
Because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young

Live in New York City once
But leave before it makes you hard
Live in Northern California once
But leave before it makes you soft

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths
Prices will rise
Politicians will philander
You too will get old
And when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young
Prices were reasonable
Politicians were noble
And children respected their elders

Respect your elders

Don't expect anyone else to support you
Maybe you have a trust fund
Maybe you have a wealthy spouse
But you never know when either one might run out

Don't mess too much with your hair
Or by the time you're 40, it will look 85

Be careful whose advice you buy
But be patient with those who supply it
Advice is a form of nostalgia
Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off
Painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth

But trust me on the sunscreen

 

 

 

[Stretch]

Which is strange since when we are standing in front of the dominee we say that marriage is important and we will give the other person our best...and we wing it from there.

 

I need time to go reflect.

I think we all really wing it. Marriage is prob the hardest commitment I have ever made. You are right though... There is more said about handling a divorce then there is about keeping a marriage successful. We are on our 20th year now and every single one has been a challenge. My folks are on their 50th year and it drives me nuts to see them walking around hand in hand like they have just met.... If only life were as simple as that!

[Paddaman]

I think we all really wing it. Marriage is prob the hardest commitment I have ever made. You are right though... There is more said about handling a divorce then there is about keeping a marriage successful. We are on our 20th year now and every single one has been a challenge. My folks are on their 50th year and it drives me nuts to see them walking around hand in hand like they have just met.... If only life were as simple as that!

In the military they have a saying "in war everything is simple, but even the most simple thing is difficult".

Often we make simple things difficult and complicated.  If I hazard a reason why, it is that we are all a bit narcissistic and tend to see things from our own world view first.  I think (again without to much confidence) in marriage, one should always look at things from your partners perspective.  ie be mindful.  To do this you need to actually know her/him better than yourself.  This requires consistent COMMUNICATION and patience.  Where there is no communication there is no relationship.

[Gen]

 

 

In the military they have a saying "in war everything is simple, but even the most simple thing is difficult".

Often we make simple things difficult and complicated. If I hazard a reason why, it is that we are all a bit narcissistic and tend to see things from our own world view first. I think (again without to much confidence) in marriage, one should always look at things from your partners perspective. ie be mindful. To do this you need to actually know her/him better than yourself. This requires consistent COMMUNICATION and patience. Where there is no communication there is no relationship.

Very true

 

Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

[Stretch]

Very true

 

Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Easy to say isnt it!

[The expat cyclist]

I think we all really wing it. Marriage is prob the hardest commitment I have ever made. You are right though... There is more said about handling a divorce then there is about keeping a marriage successful. We are on our 20th year now and every single one has been a challenge. My folks are on their 50th year and it drives me nuts to see them walking around hand in hand like they have just met.... If only life were as simple as that!

I think that marriage is hard...which is maybe a part of the problem. We think it gets easier...I don't. I think we become more complacent and selfish and just generally going in to a comfort zone. Sometimes we hardly even notice it.

 

In December when we were on leave I decided to do a little something. My wife played in a tennis tournament. One morning I went on my bike ride very early - I am not a morning person, I despise them - just so I can go watch her play. She told her friends about this. I think she thanked me about ten times that day.

 

One small sacrifice...

 

I then started thinking about small sacrifices I can make which cost me nothing but means ten times more to her. 

 

Anyway, it remains strange that in the beginning of any relationshit (sic) you are willing to sacrifice....Not so much later on.

Come the divorce, people are (at least again in the beginning) willing to sacrifice again...

Edited January 10, 2018 by The real MJ

[Gen]

Easy to say isnt it!

Ja nee.. I have learnt to let a lot of things go..

 

 

And also my small thing may not be your small thing, it may be a bigger issue for you.

 

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Edited January 10, 2018 by Gen

[Gen]

I think that marriage is hard...which is maybe a part of the problem. We think it gets easier...I don't. I think we become more complacent and selfish and just generally going in to a comfort zone. Sometimes we hardly even notice it.

 

In December when we were on leave I decided to do a little something. My wife played in a tennis tournament. One morning I went on my bike ride very early - I am not a morning person, I despise them - just so I can go watch her play. She told her friends about this. I think she thanked me about ten times that day.

 

One small sacrifice...

 

I then started thinking about small sacrifices I can make which cost me nothing but means ten times more to her.

 

Anyway, it remains strange that in the beginning of any relationshit (sic) you are willing to sacrifice....Not so much later on.

Come the divorce, people are (at least again in the beginning) willing to sacrifice again...

Aaaw that's really nice.

 

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[Odinson]

Very true

 

Don't sweat the small stuff.

 

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It often seems to me that the so-called 'small stuff' can lead to the biggest of conflicts. 

 

As MJ pointed out, I think complacency becomes a big issue in long term relationships. The large and small romantic gestures become less frequent, you don't always watch your tone when communicating and sometimes end up using the other person as a punching bag (chill - not literally) to vent anger for other anger and frustrations in life. 

 

It's important to always be conscious of being present (not drift into your own little world - my problem a lot of the time) and figure out what the SO understands as signs of commitment, affection and love. Apparently, people have different 'love languages' and you need to understand yours and the SO's. 

[Kalahari Vegmot]

Very true

Don't sweat the small stuff.

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You've obviously never tried sleeping with a mosquito buzzing...

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

It often seems to me that the so-called 'small stuff' can lead to the biggest of conflicts. 

 

As MJ pointed out, I think complacency becomes a big issue in long term relationships. The large and small romantic gestures become less frequent, you don't always watch your tone when communicating and sometimes end up using the other person as a punching bag (chill - not literally) to vent anger for other anger and frustrations in life. 

 

It's important to always be conscious of being present (not drift into your own little world - my problem a lot of the time) and figure out what the SO understands as signs of commitment, affection and love. Apparently, people have different 'love languages' and you need to understand yours and the SO's. 

100% dude. 

[Paddaman]

It often seems to me that the so-called 'small stuff' can lead to the biggest of conflicts. 

 

As MJ pointed out, I think complacency becomes a big issue in long term relationships. The large and small romantic gestures become less frequent, you don't always watch your tone when communicating and sometimes end up using the other person as a punching bag (chill - not literally) to vent anger for other anger and frustrations in life. 

 

It's important to always be conscious of being present (not drift into your own little world - my problem a lot of the time) and figure out what the SO understands as signs of commitment, affection and love. Apparently, people have different 'love languages' and you need to understand yours and the SO's. 

What is a molehill for you, is a mountain for her......