Advice on Divorce

[Paul Ruinaard]

Rode my Bike and went for a swim - stayed well away from any bottles.

Hmm,

 

Just looked at the date.

 

My ex wife decided to leave me on the 8th of January 2006 for another guy she had been having a fling with over Xmas. It was needless to say rather a large shock to my system and really threw me. Its like my stable little world turned to quicksand, so i know what it's like.

 

I also stopped drinking at all and was training for Epic so was riding all over the place. Needless to say divorce was the best diet i ever went on - it was where i eventually reached 90 kgs - it wasn't like a diet that i intentionally went on - i had my riding partner who had also got divorced years before and we rode all over the place for hours doing base training and talked. I had therapy on the bike.

 

It was very lonely returning home to an empty house which was previously filled with dreams and aspirations - each memory embedded in something around me. It's tough initially but your new world will replace your old one over time and you will build new memories. You need to let the pain and the loneliness in and feel it and acknowledge the feelings. Once you have done that you can move on. Its like any healing process, acceptance is a stage. If you are interested go and read about Elizabeth Kubler Ross on dying and the stages of acceptance. You are mourning the loss of your marriage and the process of getting over the loss is very similar.

 

It was also a period of some of the greatest personal growth i have ever undergone which changed me as a person. I had to as a start acknowledge that what i had previously valued was of little value. We had been doing some things which were obviously wrong - we were horribly codependent and had also met at work so were competing with each other every day. We had all the things everyone could want but had zero communications between us.

 

Three months later i met my current wife and we got married a year later - we have been married since March 2007.

 

Sometimes the darkest hours are just before the morning.

 

BTW - hang in there - there is no right way to do this and spilling the beans on an online forum is as good a therapy as i have ever heard of. THere are a lot of very clever people here who you may find care a lot more than what you think and can identify and empathize with you better than anyone else - even professionals.

 

FWIW: My best advice i got was from Pizza night - a bunch of mates started it years ago when they were booted by their wives/girlfriends and didnt know what to do on a monday night so they went out for a pizza and chatted through their problems. Over the years many guys who were distraught over their maritals got invited - Its still going on - and they all had been there and they all gave you some really objective feedback. Best advice from them was to pay up and get on with your life. They were like a bunch of wise old men who had all been there and when you thought your case was unique they could tell you horror stories about theirs - like what their exes took from them. All survived and all got re-married and the like, but they all used to get together on a Monday and talk about motorbikes and bicycles and then work on the next "broken winged" male who was getting divorced.

 

Its a new year and a new beginning mate - embrace the opportunity to start again and re-create and address the issues that lead you here. You will never get another opportunity like it.

[New Landy new life]

Thanks for the advice Paul.

 

I am now dreading next weekend when she returns home and tips my world upside down again.

We have to go see a lawyer(mediator)  together before we plan the exit stratergy  and where she will stay etc.

 

Some of my mates have been great and been inviting me over to chat and eat a decent meal but one still goes home to an empty place at the end of it all.

[Paul Ruinaard]

Thanks for the advice Paul.

 

I am now dreading next weekend when she returns home and tips my world upside down again.

We have to go see a lawyer(mediator)  together before we plan the exit stratergy  and where she will stay etc.

 

Some of my mates have been great and been inviting me over to chat and eat a decent meal but one still goes home to an empty place at the end of it all.

Hmm,

 

Again you are triggering memories.

 

If i can think of some of the hardest moments in my life, the one was coming home to a half empty house after the ex had moved out and had taken her belongings. Up there with news of deaths in the family.

 

For me it was when it all finally became real.

 

I remember because we had gone down to do barberton in the rain and was dropped off by my mate who went home with his family in the car, and they left me there to walk into a half empty house.

 

I walked around looking at things like a lost soul - it was not easy.

 

The line from the REM song "Leaving New York" has always described it for me: It's easier to leave than be left behind.

 

You will feel like you have been left behind (or i did) and that she has moved on.

 

I suggest that when it happens and she leaves you finally and goes for the last time you get a bud or someone with you for the first time you go home.

 

Its pretty stark as the reality bites at that point.

 

I will tell you that eventually i called a friend and then my sister and spoke to them for four hours non stop until i was so tired and spent that i could sleep.

 

BTW - don't discount getting meds to get your sleep if you are struggling.

 

IMO: Its very important that you are very gentle on yourself for a couple of weeks/months. Dont make any big decisions because your judgement is screwed. I had a trusted mate i ran everything past and discussed.

 

That event is seared in my psyche forever. Don't discount how difficult it will be. I didnt anticipate it.

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Hmm,

 

Again you are triggering memories.

 

If i can think of some of the hardest moments in my life, the one was coming home to a half empty house after the ex had moved out and had taken her belongings. Up there with news of deaths in the family.

 

For me it was when it all finally became real.

 

I remember because we had gone down to do barberton in the rain and was dropped off by my mate who went home with his family in the car, and they left me there to walk into a half empty house.

 

I walked around looking at things like a lost soul - it was not easy.

 

The line from the REM song "Leaving New York" has always described it for me: It's easier to leave than be left behind.

 

You will feel like you have been left behind (or i did) and that she has moved on.

 

I suggest that when it happens and she leaves you finally and goes for the last time you get a bud or someone with you for the first time you go home.

 

Its pretty stark as the reality bites at that point.

 

I will tell you that eventually i called a friend and then my sister and spoke to them for four hours non stop until i was so tired and spent that i could sleep.

 

BTW - don't discount getting meds to get your sleep if you are struggling.

 

IMO: Its very important that you are very gentle on yourself for a couple of weeks/months. Dont make any big decisions because your judgement is screwed. I had a trusted mate i ran everything past and discussed.

 

That event is seared in my psyche forever. Don't discount how difficult it will be. I didnt anticipate it.

yeah, I can see how that would affect you properly. FWIW - that's what I did. Got all my stuff out and vamoosed before she got back from Durban. For me, it was the signalling of a fresh start. A clean slate. She came back to an empty house and my stuff gone. 

 

She knew it was happening, but I'm sure it was a skrik, even so. 

[Mojoman]

Thanks for the advice Paul.

 

I am now dreading next weekend when she returns home and tips my world upside down again.

We have to go see a lawyer(mediator)  together before we plan the exit stratergy  and where she will stay etc.

 

Some of my mates have been great and been inviting me over to chat and eat a decent meal but one still goes home to an empty place at the end of it all.

Ja its tough. My ex was with me for 14 years, probably spent less than a week apart in that timeframe, we both worked from home as well so we were (or so I thought!) pretty close...But my 6 dogs got me through the loneliness....It was doubly fun for me as we both had our own businesses and relied upon each other when the other one's business was in quiet periods...and I had to sell my beloved Trance to make it through a couple of months! Thankfully last year I took on a full time job, as well as a couple of part time jobs and this helped both pay bills and pass the time...

 

It is incredibly hard BUT there is light at the end of the tunnel eventually....3 years for me this Easter coming and you know what? I don't miss her at all anymore, she is now engaged again and has moved on and ja, as we know, life still goes on no matter what...

 

What can be a pain in the ass is your family and mates will end up asking you when are you going to meet someone else or can we introduce you to so and so...! That does get on my nerves a bit!

 

Balls to that, you move at your own pace and do what you want. 

 

 

[Hacc]

This is really sad to read once again on TheHub. There was a thread "Divorce" a while ago. 

This was my response in 2016 and I still feel the same way. 

 

 

[Duane_Bosch]

Some of my mates have been great and been inviting me over to chat and eat a decent meal but one still goes home to an empty place at the end of it all.

I can't give much advice ITO the legal stuff. My divorce was pretty easy. We did all our shouting and screaming before we got one lawyer to do the business. I do miss my dogs and some of my power tools.

 

This transition time is all about time management. Don't be scared of it. Embrace it. This is also all about your approach.

 

• Try to stay as busy as possible
• Avoid the bottle
• Don't make any life changing decisions (Except buying a motorbike. You should definitely do that)
• Ride your bike and do as much physical stuff as possible so that you can sleep well
• Don't try and find Mrs Landy 2.0 immediately. There is no shortage of AMAZING women out there who are waiting for a good oke. But if you jump in too soon they can smell your desperation. You also risk ending up with a beta version.

 

I went through the same thing a few years ago. I had a GREAT time. Rented a place with a mate. Went surfing on Xmas day. Bought a motorbike. Did a lot of riding. Did a few trips up coast. It was great to wake up on a Saturday morning and not have to deal with the garden boy and all of the other mundane shidt that you end up doing when ticking all of the suburbia boxes.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Duane_Bosch

[Paul Ruinaard]

I can't give much advice ITO the legal stuff. My divorce was pretty easy. We did all our shouting and screaming before we got one lawyer to do the business. I do miss my dogs and some of my power tools.

 

This transition time is all about time management. Don't be scared of it. Embrace it. This is also all about your approach.

 

• Try to stay as busy as possible
• Avoid the bottle
• Don't make any life changing decisions (Except buying a motorbike. You should definitely do that)
• Ride your bike and do as much physical stuff as possible so that you can sleep well
• Don't try and find Mrs Landy 2.0 immediately. There is no shortage of AMAZING women out there who are waiting for a good oke. But if you jump in too soon they can smell your desperation. You also risk ending up with a beta version.

 

I went through the same thing a few years ago. I had a GREAT time. Rented a place with a mate. Went surfing on Xmas day. Bought a motorbike. Did a lot of riding. Did a few trips up coast. It was great to wake up on a Saturday morning and not have to deal with the garden boy and all of the other mundane shidt that you end up doing when ticking all of the suburbia boxes.

What the man said - motorbikes are good for the soul.

[Duane_Bosch]

What the man said - motorbikes are good for the soul.

The WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MEEEEEE???? message when the ex found out about the bike was also pretty funny.

[New Landy new life]

Just on a more pratical question:

 

How to cope with cooking and chores !

 

I am now spending an awfull lot of time doing that and less time for my sports etc.

 

I suppose I can get a domestic for once a week clean up, but the cooking something healthy and shopping is a real p.i.t.a.

 

What is the most efficient way of doing the above now.

 

Edit:  Case in point is below mush I just made and have to force myself to eat as it's vegetable matter.

Edited January 8, 2018 by NoMore Landy

[Patchelicious]

Just on a more pratical question:

 

How to cope with cooking and chores !

 

I am now spending an awfull lot of time doing that and less time for my sports etc.

 

I suppose I can get a domestic for once a week clean up, but the cooking something healthy and shopping is a real p.i.t.a.

 

What is the most efficient way of doing the above now.

My old man told me that if he had Woolies at my age, he wouldn’t have gotten married

 

There are lots of cool, cheaper than Woolies, ways of sorting out quick meals.

 

Invest in Tupperware and cook in batches. Extra upside is that you control your calorie intake too, makes you s better cyclist

[Gen]

Just on a more pratical question:

 

How to cope with cooking and chores !

 

I am now spending an awfull lot of time doing that and less time for my sports etc.

 

I suppose I can get a domestic for once a week clean up, but the cooking something healthy and shopping is a real p.i.t.a.

 

What is the most efficient way of doing the above now.

 

Edit: Case in point is below mush I just made and have to force myself to eat as it's vegetable matter.

Nooit...you can't eat that there are plenty quick and easy recipes for one online..just download Pinterest find a weekly meal planner and take it from there [emoji6]

 

You are in a city..most places (woolies, PnP) offer online shopping, they'll just deliver...but going to the shops as painful as it is will keep you busy for an hour or so.

 

 

 

 

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Edited January 8, 2018 by Gen

[intern]

Wow, sorry to hear all the rough news at the end of the year. 

 

Hope you guys are pulling through!! 

 

With Myles D last year I had a deep think and reflection and have made some changes, funnily enough the Mrs also made some changes without saying anything to each other. Had our best family vac cay in ages.

 

Just want to say thanks for the advice given here. We may not have been near divorce but I think small things grow over time. (Thats what I tell myself )

I've been reading this thread with grim fascination since it started and have realised that you should never, ever drop your guard when it comes to your relationship. Haven't made changes per se, but have certainly been treating the Mrs with extra love and care. We've been together 14 years....want it to last forever.

[New Landy new life]

good plan Intern - wish I had heeded my warning signs instead of being stuborn and thinking she would eventually come to see my point of view

[intern]

good plan Intern - wish I had heeded my warning signs instead of being stuborn and thinking she would eventually come to see my point of view

It's passe but happy wife certainly does equal happy life. Some while ago I realised something, my happiness doesn't matter at all, especially since we had our two boys; for a time I had laboured under the illusion that somehow, I deserved getting my way etc. Then I realised, nah, wait a minute, who cares if you don't like your job or if you feel like you need more time or some of this or that, or because you're the earner, you don't have to do a fair share of the 'child rearing'. Nobody, that's who, and whatever position you've put yourself in, it was you what done it. So I shifted my attitude to focus instead on my wife's happiness, taking more of the kids stuff off her hands (I am more or less sole breadwinner at the moment) like getting them ready for school in the morning, making brekkie, occasionally making dinner, etc. And also working hard to give the Mrs more 'her' time, like to go exercise or whatever. And going out for a meal or pub crawl and stuff like that, just the two of us.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is that because I decided to forego my own happiness to focus on addressing my Mrs' needs and her happiness...well, I don't have to worry about my own happiness, because now she takes care of that with her whole heart. Maybe that's the way it is supposed to be. And there is often a wee bit of truth in the glib aphorisms we (wryly) use every day.

Best of luck, BTW. Hectic what you're going through. And thanks for posting about it, truly helps maintain perspective for some of the other folk here, me included.

[Letum911]

Just on a more pratical question:

 

How to cope with cooking and chores !

 

I am now spending an awfull lot of time doing that and less time for my sports etc.

 

I suppose I can get a domestic for once a week clean up, but the cooking something healthy and shopping is a real p.i.t.a.

 

What is the most efficient way of doing the above now.

 

Edit:  Case in point is below mush I just made and have to force myself to eat as it's vegetable matter.

 

With all due respect that seems as if it came out of a Landy!!

 

For me it took some time learning how to cook, this was not post divorce but rather post moving out of mom's house. I started following a bunch of "foodie" pages on Instagram and Pintrest, they share a fair amount of easy recipes.

 

My folks got divorced 2 years ago. My dad basically went on a semi hunger strike as cooking was too much effort. THEN he discovered Woolies, he lived on pre made meals for a few months then moved over to Fit Chef. Expensive but he loved it. 

 

 

Oh, and get yourself a dishwasher!!! This is a MUST.