Advice on Divorce

[blondeonabike]

Life is a funny thing.....divorce is one of those things you never expect to happen to you until it does....and often it is no ones fault really..either somebody changes or they dont change...both things can be the problem. Sometimes many years later things just dont work anymore..... once the hurt feelings are put aside and the kids are put first it is easier to move forward. Landy...I hope all the best for you and hope the dust settles quickly....you deserve to be happy and in the end you will be.

[New Landy new life]

Life is a funny thing.....divorce is one of those things you never expect to happen to you until it does....and often it is no ones fault really..either somebody changes or they dont change...both things can be the problem. Sometimes many years later things just dont work anymore..... once the hurt feelings are put aside and the kids are put first it is easier to move forward. Landy...I hope all the best for you and hope the dust settles quickly....you deserve to be happy and in the end you will be.

From my view it is definitely someones fault  when one partner decides to stray, no matter who;s fault it is.  For me that is a low blow.  Finish and klaar.

[Amberdrake]

I don't think that's 100% true tho landy, Its more than one "someones" fault. There is person straying, one that helps by being other party and finally the wife/husband.

Unfortunately no matter what we do in life we always have some small blame. The thing to take from it is to learn from past mistakes and work to improve yourself. Once everything is said and done your the one looking in the mirror and the question is always do you like what you see?

[Bateleur1]

I hear what you are saying Landy and many people deal with stress situations by making sure they can define the cause of the problem to avoid it from happening again.  Which in essence is not bad ... if you make the right diagnostic.  But finding a cause and in the event end up making the wrong conclusions can be just as damaging as not find the cause.

 

You wife/ex wife has decided to continue her life without you.  That is the diagnosis.  Any attempt to find out what happened before that will be difficult without her actually explaining her reasons (honestly) and that could have been dealt with with couples counseling and actually saved your marriage.  She was from the onset not interrested in that avenue.  Now you need to continue with your life and with your relationship with your son. Get stability and somewhere out there later on someone will be more than willing to share their lifes with you.

[New Landy new life]

I guess my reply further up was a bit harsh as I was feeling a bit low and hurt when finding out that my wife had strayed.  

 

I realize she was just looking for what I could not give her due to all the issues we had between us that made me pull back my true feelings for her.

 

Anyway, just came back from moving her and my son into their rented flat and now my heart is racing and the tears keep coming even though I try to fight them.

 

Half empty house with so many gaps where appliances and furniture used to stand.

 

Was hard to wave good-buy and I know the road is still going to be very painful ahead.

[Uni]

I guess my reply further up was a bit harsh as I was feeling a bit low and hurt when finding out that my wife had strayed.  

 

I realize she was just looking for what I could not give her due to all the issues we had between us that made me pull back my true feelings for her.

 

Anyway, just came back from moving her and my son into their rented flat and now my heart is racing and the tears keep coming even though I try to fight them.

 

Half empty house with so many gaps where appliances and furniture used to stand.

 

Was hard to wave good-buy and I know the road is still going to be very painful ahead.

Cry it out. There's no need to supress it.

[dev null]

I used to cry a lot in my car on the way to work when me and the wife was standing on the point of divorcing. No shame in that.

 

In your case it means that you have moved on to the acceptance part of the process.

Edited March 3, 2018 by Moridin

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Cry it out. There's no need to supress it.

This. Don't be averse to a good bawl. It helps immensely, when necessary.

[New Landy new life]

One of my buddies that I have not seen in ages popped in just now just because he was in the area and saw my empty-ish house and realized what happened.

 

Then decides to tell me his wife had chatted to my wife and new of the infidelity some time ago already.

 

Why would a mate not share that sort of thing at the time I am wondering ?

 

I Didn't ask him but it hurts that other people knew before me .

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

One of my buddies that I have not seen in ages popped in just now just because he was in the area and saw my empty-ish house and realized what happened.

 

Then decides to tell me his wife had chatted to my wife and new of the infidelity some time ago already.

 

Why would a mate not share that sort of thing at the time I am wondering ?

 

I Didn't ask him but it hurts that other people knew before me .

Having been there, and in that position.... It's strange. Some mates don't want to rock the boat and hope that what they don't say won't impact the relationship, in the hope that it survives.

 

Honestly, and this is what I've come to see... News of infidelity being "uncovered" by a friend is often met with hostility.

 

Not to say that that's how you would have reacted, but that may be how THEY would have reacted in the same situation.

 

It's complex and messy. Best not concern yourself with why.

 

I had a mate of 33 years (known him since he was born) turn around and tell me "****, now I can talk to you"

 

Another mate of 25 years who did the same. This was the friend who removed her as godparent for my 2 beautiful goddaughters.

 

2 friends who did the opposite, but only when drunk.

 

Respect for the relationship is a real thing. People don't feel comfortable encroaching on those sort of things.

 

Revel in the friendship from now. Don't dwell on the past.

Edited March 3, 2018 by Myles Mayhew

[Amberdrake]

I understand why they did not say anything, its hard to be the bearer of bad news.

Some ppl don't want to take the risk of upsetting the friendship dynamic.

I'd want to be told, and i might be mad but would not be shooting the messenger. 

I have called a friend on his sh!t (drinking to much) when I was stone cold sober. Things went better after for him even tho it added some strain on our friendship.

[Stretch]

 

 

Then decides to tell me his wife had chatted to my wife and new of the infidelity some time ago already.

.

I can tell you one thing... She was hoping he would tell you.

 

As for the whole infidelity thing.. It's never one person's fault. Someone staying is direct result of something not being right at home. You have even eluded to it yourself. It's tough when the realisation hits I guess.. And in your case maybe you would have preferred her to be upfront about it all.. But that water has passed and you have to just focus on the future. Don't tell your kid that she had an affair.. He's old enough to realise it himself

[The Ghost]

The reason a person has an affair may involve both parties, but the responsibility still lies 100% with the one that strayed - they had other options and chose the worst!

Edited March 3, 2018 by The Ghost

[New Landy new life]

The reason a person has an affair may involve both parties, but the responsibility still lies 100% with the one that strayed - they had other options and chose the worst!

 

I agree - would have way preferred that she left before trying out a new model - it is hurting like hell now - feel insecure and what I did to deserve such treatment.

Eish - going to be a long night - had a couple hours with my daughter at least to brighten the day.

[The Ghost]

I agree - would have way preferred that she left before trying out a new model - it is hurting like hell now - feel insecure and what I did to deserve such treatment.

Eish - going to be a long night - had a couple hours with my daughter at least to brighten the day.

You did absolutely nothing to deserve it, nobody deserves that, don’t even question it.

She made *** choices for her own reasons.

There is nothing wrong with you!

[Paul Ruinaard]

I guess my reply further up was a bit harsh as I was feeling a bit low and hurt when finding out that my wife had strayed.  

 

I realize she was just looking for what I could not give her due to all the issues we had between us that made me pull back my true feelings for her.

 

Anyway, just came back from moving her and my son into their rented flat and now my heart is racing and the tears keep coming even though I try to fight them.

 

Half empty house with so many gaps where appliances and furniture used to stand.

 

Was hard to wave good-buy and I know the road is still going to be very painful ahead.

That is always a gut wrenching moment. Thing is it gets better from now. You are about as low as it can get an dhave had about as much taken from you as can be taken in the material sense of the word...