Advice on Divorce

[SAGecko]

So after 21 years my wife has had enough and asked to leave me ...

 

Strength my friend.

 

I've been in the process for over two years now. I asked my wife for a divorce on 14 October 2015. It's been a pretty damn crappy ride. In fact I've been so down about it, that I've stopped visiting or posting on the Hub.

 

After many, many delaying tactics by my wife and her lawyer, I have now been granted a court date in October 2019...!

 

I take it you wouldn't be adverse to some advice.

 

I was married to a demon woman. A covert, malicious, malignant narcissist who tried her very best to f*ck me up and to f*ck up my family over the 21 years we were married. 

 

Hopefully, your wife is nothing of the sort but when the fighting starts, as it invariably will if there is any contention regarding assets and accrual, you will not recognise her as the woman you used to love. She will attack you like a vicious stranger. Remember, she's fighting for the rest of her life and you're not included in that life.

 

So try to come to an amicable agreement AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. If you cannot come to an agreement, lawyer up. It will cost a fortune but you have no option whatsoever.

 

I know you didn't want this divorce, but believe me, the best thing for you is to allow the divorce to happen as fairly and as soon as possible. The courts are granting trial dates many years ahead of application at the moment and are giving preference to cases where only the opposing attorneys are representing in court. If you require an expert witness (Your inheritance, your business, maintenance etc.) you will wait for two years or more to get a trial date.

 

One more thing NML... your wife will most likely apply to court for a Rule 43 Maintenance action to be granted against you. This rule was originally intended to force delinquent fathers to pay for their families. You are not, I'm sure, a delinquent father so keep on paying for everything that you have been. If you don't, you'll find that the courts will grant a punitive amount that you will be forced to pay her on a monthly basis.

 

I hope it works out well for you. If I can help you with anything please let me know.

 

Cheers

Gecko.

Edited February 27, 2018 by SAGecko

[Paul Ruinaard]

This ^^ There are just too many ways signing a lease for a bitter, black-listed ex can end badly.

 

If you HAVE to, sign a 3 months lease just to get her out, or even a temp month-to-month option. Then she can sort it out once she gets the payout. Don't allow her bad decisions to be your problem any longer.

Hey Mr Landy

 

Saw this now wrt the lease.

 

I get that you want her out and all that but this lease thing has got the ability to drag you back in. Just think it through mate because when you are 9 months from now and bring home a honey and have a wild time and then the ex finds out then she will go postal in your leased place and you will end up on the hook again.

 

Its amazing what sort of evil things the scorned can think up to get even... Just saying. And dont think that the people aren't capable of it.

 

Or when the lease expires and you folded this time around and she hasn't un blacklisted herself then you are in for another year. At that stage she's just milking you ( ) .

 

Don't make bad decisions with the best of intentions especially now when your head space is compromised. just saying....

 

Possibly in the past you never drew hard lines in the sand. So now is where you have a chance to change that and are a able to stand up and say not your issue about her blacklisting and here is what you are willing to do.

 

Settle it now even if its going to create issues. The rules have shifted when she moved out. You need to work the plan to suit you. She isn't your wife any more - she is your soon to be ex wife. I get your son is an issue as well but that is an easy way to manipulate you as well.

 

There is another way to settle this that you aren't on the hook forever. Look for that way.

 

These issues and moments are the ones that will be the toughest and will define your rules going forward.  At some time in the process divorce becomes a bit like a negotiation or a chess game.

 

You are now negotiating what your future relationship with your ex will look like. And possibly setting some guidelines for your son as to how to act and be fair in these situations. It shouldn't look like your past relationship did - just saying

 

Strongs mate. It ain't easy to do this and you aren't coming in with tons of experience.

 

When all else fails just delay the decision and the outcomes. Others who may have an agenda will get frustrated and will work out a plan and get on with it if they see that they aren't going to win with you on the easy strategy.

 

AND:  If she gets a boy or a significant other or if there is one in the wings they will want to go forward quicker. I know it's not what you want but it will happen and it will work in your favour...

 

My 2 cents worth.

[Sepia]

Gee Paul, you sure have a way of putting things down.

What is it you do again?

Fantastic posts with great advice, not only for NML but life in general.

Thanks

[Paul Ruinaard]

Gee Paul, you sure have a way of putting things down.

What is it you do again?

Fantastic posts with great advice, not only for NML but life in general.

Thanks

Thanks mate.

 

Look up something called codependency or giving to get. That's my crutch.

 

Its a pretty hard place to come from when you realize that it's what you been doing for a long time and even now its what i need to avoid. 

 

It starts with being unable to set boundaries or going back across them when you are wrong or when it gets tough. 

 

Very hard place even now.

[IceCreamMan]

gotta say I thought I had been through the wringer but damn some of you ous make my experience look like a picnic, with beer and prosecco.

 

I also pick up an undercurrent of resentment, be careful you ous don't take it into your next relationships etc...while baggage is to a certain extent unavoidable, what I am picking goes beyond that. Careful gents.

 

Of course I could be wrong

[Uni]

On an aside, I was chatting to my neighbour over the weekend.  Divorced lady with a 11 yr old daughter who is autistic. She's now seeing a guy in the UK - long distance thing and he's said to her to move to the UK - obviously it's not just a pick up and go thing - but from a support for the daughter in terms of learning and just future prospects - I would imagine it's a great opportunity, but apparently the ex has refused to sign consent. 

 

I feel that is so selfish - I know i'm coming at it without the emotional attachment but with emigration being a huge thing atm - something to consider with the split families. 

[Honkdonk]

gotta say I thought I had been through the wringer but damn some of you ous make my experience look like a picnic, with beer and prosecco.

 

I also pick up an undercurrent of resentment, be careful you ous don't take it into your next relationships etc...while baggage is to a certain extent unavoidable, what I am picking goes beyond that. Careful gents.

 

Of course I could be wrong

I guess its natural to an extent to feel that way. Resentment is a product of many emotions brought on by years of (insert appropriate adjective here). It takes a clear head to channel the energy into the dustbin and to make sure that one bad experiance doesnt set the tone of what could lie ahead.

Understand the mistakes you made/make were/are all self inflicted. Well, in my case anyway. Hence my reason to stay far away from getting involved until the dust has settled, both in the divorce and in my head. Learning from past mistakes maketh the path ahead free from rocks, weeds and sewage.

 

I have a good mate who is going through the most torrid time with his soon to be ex. He has since moved on and found the most amazing, caring and understanding woman. How she puts up with the crap he has to deal with is a mystery. He told me that she is the total opposite to his ex and I can see it in their relationship. Without her I would really be concerned for his mental well being.

[IceCreamMan]

On an aside, I was chatting to my neighbour over the weekend.  Divorced lady with a 11 yr old daughter who is autistic. She's now seeing a guy in the UK - long distance thing and he's said to her to move to the UK - obviously it's not just a pick up and go thing - but from a support for the daughter in terms of learning and just future prospects - I would imagine it's a great opportunity, but apparently the ex has refused to sign consent. 

 

I feel that is so selfish - I know i'm coming at it without the emotional attachment but with emigration being a huge thing atm - something to consider with the split families. 

 

I have to concur, the facilities here for children with disablilities are fantastic. Children are cherished and nutured here. Pity the ex is like that, maybe a good chat with him will help. Rational logical discussion. However, there are ways around this and if the relationship is serious they may well be worth investigating although they will cost a lot of money.

 

Having said that, you have to see his point of view too hey.

[Bateleur1]

I have to concur, the facilities here for children with disablilities are fantastic. Children are cherished and nutured here. Pity the ex is like that, maybe a good chat with him will help. Rational logical discussion. However, there are ways around this and if the relationship is serious they may well be worth investigating although they will cost a lot of money.

 

Having said that, you have to see his point of view too hey.

 

Former work colleague had the same issue.  Had a child when he and the mother of the child seperated.  The mother got a chance to go to Brittain with the new love.  My friend signed conscent that the daughter may go on condition she visits him once a year for a couple of weeks on their account.  Worked out well for all of them at the end.

[Uni]

Former work colleague had the same issue.  Had a child when he and the mother of the child seperated.  The mother got a chance to go to Brittain with the new love.  My friend signed conscent that the daughter may go on condition she visits him once a year for a couple of weeks on their account.  Worked out well for all of them at the end.

a mature compromise.

[New Landy new life]

Hmmmmmmmm

 

If I were you I'd get some of that pension payout and a contract between the 2 of you stipulating that the rental be paid up front for the year's lease, and she be listed as the lessee just to protect your ass.

 

You are not the occupant. If anything happens to the place while she lives there, you'll be liable for damages as the lessee... 

We do have it listed in the divorce agreement that she has to pay back my portion of the deposit and take over the lease when the year is up and she is liable for the damages and or loss of the deposit should that ever happen.  Only thing worries me still is my employment is a bit  sketchy due to company performance of late, so not sure what would happen should I become unemployed suddenly !

Agreed.. Do it through a lawyer. You don't want to be responsible at all.

 

 

The wheel will turn.. Be patient.. And dont be absent

Difficult not to be absent when he will be  living with Mum and only will visit when he wants too.  He sees his mom having no money and is, I assume, blaming me for not paying her the normal monthly budget I gave her in the past.

[Paul Ruinaard]

We do have it listed in the divorce agreement that she has to pay back my portion of the deposit and take over the lease when the year is up and she is liable for the damages and or loss of the deposit should that ever happen.  Only thing worries me still is my employment is a bit  sketchy due to company performance of late, so not sure what would happen should I become unemployed suddenly !

Difficult not to be absent when he will be  living with Mum and only will visit when he wants too.  He sees his mom having no money and is, I assume, blaming me for not paying her the normal monthly budget I 

 

We do have it listed in the divorce agreement that she has to pay back my portion of the deposit and take over the lease when the year is up and she is liable for the damages and or loss of the deposit should that ever happen.  Only thing worries me still is my employment is a bit  sketchy due to company performance of late, so not sure what would happen should I become unemployed suddenly !

Difficult not to be absent when he will be  living with Mum and only will visit when he wants too.  He sees his mom having no money and is, I assume, blaming me for not paying her the normal monthly budget I gave her in the past.

Sounds like you are doing it properly. Well done mate.

 

[Stretch]

 

 

Difficult not to be absent when he will be living with Mum and only will visit when he wants too. He sees his mom having no money and is, I assume, blaming me for not paying her the normal monthly budget I gave her in the past.

Totally understand that... I think you know what I mean. The difference I guess is to provide for him always. And even though you don't see him daily..WhatsApp is wonderful for daily communication... He is old enough to rationalise what is happening

[Warthog]

We do have it listed in the divorce agreement that she has to pay back my portion of the deposit and take over the lease when the year is up and she is liable for the damages and or loss of the deposit should that ever happen.  Only thing worries me still is my employment is a bit  sketchy due to company performance of late, so not sure what would happen should I become unemployed suddenly !

 

The obligation to pay maintenance for your kid/s is "cast in stone", the amount not...

 

If you loose your job, immediately go to the maintenance officer at the Magistrate's Court where she/the kids live and report it.

[New Landy new life]

One more question to those with experience on Maintenance for children.

 

The way my portion has been calculated works out that 31% of my Nett Salary (take home amount) every month is going to his support.

 

Does that sound reasonable ?

 

Also, the wording in the draft contract states that I am liable until the age of 18 or until he is self supporting, whichever event last occurs. Should there not be a cutoff age to prevent this going on for many years should he not find employment or not able to support himself as some children can end up living until age 30 with their parents.  I very much doubt he is this way inclined and am sure he will be a success, but safer to have a cut off age at say 23 or so ??  Opinions appreciated.

[Rata-tat-tat]

30! I was out the house at 18 working poor paying jobs to get by. Youth of today are a mess.