Advice on Divorce

[Gen]

Thanks for all the hub-support!

 

In that sense the lock-down and having to live together after the divorce was settled help. All of a sudden there was nothing to "fight" for and to prove to the other. All focus moved towards the kids. Hopefully we can keep this up.

 

The kids recon its boring at my place compared to their mom's new place... that will too wear off :-)

Aaah yeah it's only because it is new.. the first time they get sent to their rooms it will suck.[emoji6] Edited May 19, 2020 by Gen

[New Landy new life]

Chin up guys - it only get's better.

 

Look at my post #1 compared to how I am doing now - chalk and cheese thanks to all the well wishes and advise from all the great people on here including Captain.

 

Moved on, moved up and healed up well.  kid's still love spending time with me and their mom.

 

I just avoid the Ex and that seems to have worked - kids are both adults which helps so I don't have to contact her for anything, just pay the maintenance even though my salary is cut into pieces.

 

Good luck you guys. 

[EddieV]

Seems Stats SA have taken a month's breather. Our maintenance increase is a function of the CPI, and mine is done using April's annual figures. I'll have to use March's CPI for now?

[Steven Knoetze (sk27)]

My ex moved out today. The kids will rotate weekly (starting here by me) and we need to make this work in their best interest. Its going to be interesting juggling work, a grade 2 and grade R until the schools open by hopefully September 2042. 

 

The first day went OK.

 

Hi, can't imagine what you are going through.

 

Just my 2 cents on your agreement, my sister is also divorces and has a similar agreement with her ex. 1 week with her and 1 week with him. It was done for financial reasons as no money is then needed to be paid either way, expenses for school, etc split 50/50. Sounds great.

It is very disruptive, the kids struggle to find routine because of the differing environments. They will need stability, rules and routines need to be the same on both sides.

This led to many fights between her and the ex, and ultimately they ended up agreeing that she be the primary caregiver with visitations every 2nd weekend for him with split holidays.

 

I think what I am trying to say is keep an eye on the little ones.

Good luck

[Honkdonk]

Advice needed please

 

My ex and the kids are in NZ and my youngest is going to therapy for a matter that does concern me. The ex wont allow me to contribute or give input towards the background etc. Am I allowed to contact the therapist to give my view so that they are able to obtain a fully objective opinion and dish out therapy as required accordingly?

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Advice needed please

 

My ex and the kids are in NZ and my youngest is going to therapy for a matter that does concern me. The ex wont allow me to contribute or give input towards the background etc. Am I allowed to contact the therapist to give my view so that they are able to obtain a fully objective opinion and dish out therapy as required accordingly?

yes, contact the therapist. I did when my lightie was going to play therapy, and it was critical to the psych's uinderstanding of his situation. 

[Amberdrake]

Hi, can't imagine what you are going through.

 

Just my 2 cents on your agreement, my sister is also divorces and has a similar agreement with her ex. 1 week with her and 1 week with him. It was done for financial reasons as no money is then needed to be paid either way, expenses for school, etc split 50/50. Sounds great.

It is very disruptive, the kids struggle to find routine because of the differing environments. They will need stability, rules and routines need to be the same on both sides.

This led to many fights between her and the ex, and ultimately they ended up agreeing that she be the primary caregiver with visitations every 2nd weekend for him with split holidays.

 

I think what I am trying to say is keep an eye on the little ones.

Good luck

The thing is there usually something else going on that causes this. Our social worker runs a workshop that encourages shared time. It's not always best but most of time kids adapt.

[Gen]

The thing is there usually something else going on that causes this. Our social worker runs a workshop that encourages shared time. It's not always best but most of time kids adapt.

Suppose this would also come down to consistent parenting and the environment of each household?

[Slowbee]

Amber, forgot to say thank you for the PM.

 

It has just been chaotic, but thank you !!

[Patensie]

The thing is there usually something else going on that causes this. Our social worker runs a workshop that encourages shared time. It's not always best but most of time kids adapt.

my shrink and the kids' play therapist both recommended this arrangement, with some advice on how to make it work. The kids will go through some turmoil until they adjust to the new normal, whatever that may be. They will also adjust to dad's house and mom's house. We try to not let them have to pack suitcases every week. There is a level of consistency, but also differences.

[Honkdonk]

yes, contact the therapist. I did when my lightie was going to play therapy, and it was critical to the psych's uinderstanding of his situation. 

Thanks CFM.

My ex will hit the roof if I do that, but I only think it is fair, and I need to, so that the therapist understands my side of the situation.

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Thanks CFM.

My ex will hit the roof if I do that, but I only think it is fair, and I need to, so that the therapist understands my side of the situation.

Your ex may hit the roof, but the psych will understand how critical both parents' input is to the wellbeing of the child, especially post divorce. And remember, it's not "your side of the situation" at all. It's additional context on your child's character and your parental obligation.

 

You also don't need to tell the ex you're contacting the psych. 

[Honkdonk]

Your ex may hit the roof, but the psych will understand how critical both parents' input is to the wellbeing of the child, especially post divorce. And remember, it's not "your side of the situation" at all. It's additional context on your child's character and your parental obligation.

 

You also don't need to tell the ex you're contacting the psych. 

True story, and I'm footing half the bill for it as well.

[Steven Knoetze (sk27)]

The thing is there usually something else going on that causes this. Our social worker runs a workshop that encourages shared time. It's not always best but most of time kids adapt.

 

I think the problem comes when the 2 environments differ massively.

If in one place rules are in place, set bedtime, eating at a table with proper table manners etc, but in the other place there are no rules, eat where you want, sleep when you want, etc.

 

Kids do adapt, I agree but their foundations need to be solid.

[Amberdrake]

I think the problem comes when the 2 environments differ massively.

If in one place rules are in place, set bedtime, eating at a table with proper table manners etc, but in the other place there are no rules, eat where you want, sleep when you want, etc.

 

Kids do adapt, I agree but their foundations need to be solid.

100% Agreed, the example you give is called bad parenting and this falls under my disclosure of something else is going on. 

 

I am not yet divorced, I have a restraining order on ex from entering my room. We have been forced to spend last 2 months in same house raising 2year old. Ex has 2 night shifts and she is done for week. I work 5 days day time, since I cant leave house the well balanced system has been @#%*(#%. Daughter is starting to show signs of it but ex makes sure to be in common area where all toys are 100% of the time.She also makes sure to intrude often. Im sure once we out and it's only about daughter things will settle but for now its all #$%^#&%. 

[Steven Knoetze (sk27)]

100% Agreed, the example you give is called bad parenting and this falls under my disclosure of something else is going on. 

 

I am not yet divorced, I have a restraining order on ex from entering my room. We have been forced to spend last 2 months in same house raising 2year old. Ex has 2 night shifts and she is done for week. I work 5 days day time, since I cant leave house the well balanced system has been @#%*(#%. Daughter is starting to show signs of it but ex makes sure to be in common area where all toys are 100% of the time.She also makes sure to intrude often. Im sure once we out and it's only about daughter things will settle but for now its all #$%^#&%. 

 

Thats a terrible situation!!!!

Unfortunately bad parenting is real. My sisters ex would purposely not enforce rules because he is then the cool dad, do what you want, etc. When the kids would get back to her they would unruly and resent her for enforcing the rules.

Best of luck, hopefully it will all be a distant memory someday......