Advice on Divorce

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Damn that made me cry..

Dude. He's my world. It broke my heart hearing that. 

[Gen]

crap, HD. That's sucky, but better than the alternatives IMO. Much better than some arrangements I've seen and heard of with uncompromising exes.

 

 

Not related, but related to your closing line.

 

Yesterday, walking my son back to his mom's place (2km away) I had him on my shoulders for some of the walk, and when I moved to put him down, he started panicking uncharacteristically. I asked him what was wrong, but deadpan. Nothing. So we stopped, and I tell him that it's polite to answer someone when they ask you a question. Nothing. So I change tack, and ask him why he panicked when I was taking him off my shoulders. Nothing. I then ask if he was scared I'd drop him. A little nod. Okay. Not the answer I'd wanted, but let's carry on. "why did you think I'd drop you, my boy? I'd never do that"

 

Cue full tears. "but you just left". My jaw goes stiff from me clamping it shut. Spend the next 10 minutes explaining that I'll never leave him.

 

Absolutely flippin gutted. I don't know WTF the ex has been saying to him these past 2 1/2 years, but my son was scared that I'd leave him.

Oh man that's heartbreaking

[gemmerbal]

that right there is why kids from broken marriages develop problems. I say this with the utmost respect to you Captain.

 

I am just so lucky that when my folks divorced back in 19 voertsek, they remained relatively respectful to and of each other, specifically in front of us kids (maybe my sisters have a different view, but that is what I experienced).

 

My heartfelt sympathy man, its not easy to try and remain civil when the other party is not playing ball. And being the better person doesn't solve the problem, but it does halve the harmful behaviour emotional abuse your boy is exposed to.

 

Strongs Captain.

crap, HD. That's sucky, but better than the alternatives IMO. Much better than some arrangements I've seen and heard of with uncompromising exes. 

 

 

Not related, but related to your closing line. 

 

Yesterday, walking my son back to his mom's place (2km away) I had him on my shoulders for some of the walk, and when I moved to put him down, he started panicking uncharacteristically. I asked him what was wrong, but deadpan. Nothing. So we stopped, and I tell him that it's polite to answer someone when they ask you a question. Nothing. So I change tack, and ask him why he panicked when I was taking him off my shoulders. Nothing. I then ask if he was scared I'd drop him. A little nod. Okay. Not the answer I'd wanted, but let's carry on. "why did you think I'd drop you, my boy? I'd never do that"

 

Cue full tears. "but you just left". My jaw goes stiff from me clamping it shut. Spend the next 10 minutes explaining that I'll never leave him. 

 

Absolutely flippin gutted. I don't know WTF the ex has been saying to him these past 2 1/2 years, but my son was scared that I'd leave him. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by gemmerbal

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

that right there is why kids from broken marriages develop problems. I say this with the utmost respect to you Captain.

 

I am just so lucky that when my folks divorced back in 19 voertsek, they remained relatively respectful to and of each other, specifically in front of us kids (maybe my sisters have a different view, but that is what I experienced).

 

My heartfelt sympathy man, its not easy to try and remain civil when the other party is not playing ball. And being the better person doesn't solve the problem, but it does halve the harmful behaviour your boy is exposed to.

 

Strongs Captain.

thanks, guys. It's not only his mother though. His gran (my outlaw) is a properly toxic and vindictive individual, My mother put it best - she'd have to think about alerting the lifeguard if she was being swept out to sea.

 

I get on well with my ex FIL. Okay, we don't talk, 'cos I divorced his daughter and that's a no-no in dadland, but we've always been on good terms. 

 

I've also never, ever, said anything bad about his mother in front of him, or when he's around. I may despise her, but she's still his mom. 

[Rocket-Boy]

thanks, guys. It's not only his mother though. His gran (my outlaw) is a properly toxic and vindictive individual, My mother put it best - she'd have to think about alerting the lifeguard if she was being swept out to sea.

 

I get on well with my ex FIL. Okay, we don't talk, 'cos I divorced his daughter and that's a no-no in dadland, but we've always been on good terms. 

 

I've also never, ever, said anything bad about his mother in front of him, or when he's around. I may despise her, but she's still his mom. 

Bud you are a bigger man than I am, Im not sure how you manage to stay so calm and objective about the situation.

I just hope that when your son is a bit older he will remember that and appreciate it. 

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Bud you are a bigger man than I am, Im not sure how you manage to stay so calm and objective about the situation.

I just hope that when your son is a bit older he will remember that and appreciate it. 

I've adopted a bit of a new mantra recently. I can't do anything about what's happened in the past, but I can control what I do in the future. 

 

That, in addition to "people are stupid" and "don't be a dick". Sometimes it's difficult to balance those last 2, though... 

 

Oh - and dishonesty. I cannot abide by it. 

[Letum911]

@Captain my heart goes out to you!!

 

As a an attorney who does mostly divorces I always feel sorry for the kids who get dragged into it. I always recommend my clients to attend co parenting workshops to sorta get them working together but unfortunately in 80% of the cases kids become pawns and the other party becomes a villain.

[Grass Muncher]

I have a question.

 

A couple is going through a divorce.

The man owns 1/3 of a lodge his father had put on his name.

Right before the divorce the man changes the ownership back to his father.

 

*Does the wife still get half of the 1/3 the man previously owned

 

I'm just asking for a friend.

Edited May 11, 2020 by Grass Muncher

[Let's Ride]

I have a question.

 

A couple is going through a divorce.

The man owns 1/3 of a lodge his father had put on his name.

Right before the divorce the man changes the ownership back to his father.

 

*Does the wife still get half of the 1/3 the man previously owned

 

I'm just asking for a friend.

Interesting... I won't think so. I have heard of people selling cars for very cheap so that the wife get's nothing.

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Interesting... I won't think so. I have heard of people selling cars for very cheap so that the wife get's nothing.

CAVEAT - depends on the way they were married and a coouple other things, but IMO lawyer time. 

 

Problem is that that still gives an injection of cash into the shared estate. If he spends it, the stuff he spends it on will be part of the shared estate. If he just blows it, then it's not. So you don't really achieve anything other than spite, in those situations.

 

If he's transferred the company shareholding back to his dad specifically to avoid it being a part of the accrual process, he's in for a bit of a shock. I'd say that she has a good basis for arguing its inclusion. If he sold the business back to his father (which is what's actually happened) then the amount he'd sold it for would form part of the estate. If he sold it for a pittance, that's also an issue that could get him into a bit of trouble from a tax perspective. Even if he set up a loan account for the same value as his share, that would form part of the estate. 

 

https://www.divorcelaws.co.za/hiding-assets-divorce.html

Edited May 14, 2020 by Captain Fastbastard Mayhem

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

https://www.iol.co.za/personal-finance/things-to-consider-when-selling-your-assets-to-a-trust-24839164

 

Market value

Selling your assets to a trust at less than market value in an attempt to minimise the loan amount is not a good idea, as it will have the following unintended consequences:

* You will be liable for donations tax on the difference between the market value and the sale price of the asset.

* Any income apportioned to this difference will be taxed in your hands until the day you die, in terms of the anti-avoidance provisions of section 7(9) of the Income Tax Act.

If any “connected person” sells assets to a trust at less than market value, from a tax perspective, the transaction would be deemed to take place at market value and the actual values at which the assets were sold can be substituted by Sars with market values (paragraph 38 of the Eighth Schedule to the Income Tax Act).

[Harryn]

I have a question.

 

A couple is going through a divorce.

The man owns 1/3 of a lodge his father had put on his name.

Right before the divorce the man changes the ownership back to his father.

 

*Does the wife still get half of the 1/3 the man previously owned

 

I'm just asking for a friend.

Yeah, if the wife has an effective lawyer.

[mazambaan]

I've adopted a bit of a new mantra recently. I can't do anything about what's happened in the past, but I can control what I do in the future. 

 

That, in addition to "people are stupid" and "don't be a dick". Sometimes it's difficult to balance those last 2, though... 

 

Oh - and dishonesty. I cannot abide by it. 

 

Good inspiration, between you and Dale; positive stuff. Tiny note, act now, you always (should) have that control (copied from Dale), the future is not guaranteed controllable.

[GrahamS2]

Yeah, if the wife has an effective lawyer.

This. The discovery process can go back in time quite some way.

[Patensie]

Was the 1/3 portion a gift from his father? If I remember correctly, the Huweliksgoedere Act specifically exclude gifts from accrual.

 

(Sorry, I studied family law in Afrikaans way back in 1996 and is too lazy to google the proper name of the act. I argued this on stuff I got from my parents: they were gifts to me and the (h)eks may not share therein. My attorney went with it and the ex's attorney didn't put up a fight.)

[Harryn]

Was the 1/3 portion a gift from his father? If I remember correctly, the Huweliksgoedere Act specifically exclude gifts from accrual.

 

(Sorry, I studied family law in Afrikaans way back in 1996 and is too lazy to google the proper name of the act. I argued this on stuff I got from my parents: they were gifts to me and the (h)eks may not share therein. My attorney went with it and the ex's attorney didn't put up a fight.)

Yes. You were obviously a good student, and you have a good memory. You are talking about section 5(1) of the Matrimonial Property Act, which excludes donations, inheritances and legacies, subject to what the ANC states, and subject to the donor’s stipulations.

 

But, in truth, we don’t yet know whether we are dealing with the division of an accrual, or a marriage in community, or whether the donation was pre or post nuptial. So we cant answer the question. But get your law school notes out in case I ever need more help [emoji23]