Advice on Divorce

[Wheelsuck]

Just kidding around but it is nice to have just the company for now - even if just a friendship so far

Its like the guys say stay level headed with this -you know that it might be a rebound and then you get a double eina-so be cool and try to stay objective. As long as you both know the rules of the game it will be good to just have some female company.

 

I learnt the hard way-met someone and I was just so eager to have someone in my life that I didn't realise how far the cheese had slipped off the cracker with this one, she was a belter and 9 years my junior-but when I went for dinner with the family and saw how they behaved and finally when I saw this massive pig that they had as a pet that was sleeping in its own room....I got that scene from the Hannibal movie in my head and decided to bolt. But seriously don't try to make it what it isn't-but if it might be- be cool.          

[Sepia]

Aaaaah pleeeeease ?  She is so nice.  

Just do it!

[New Landy new life]

Its like the guys say stay level headed with this -you know that it might be a rebound and then you get a double eina-so be cool and try to stay objective. As long as you both know the rules of the game it will be good to just have some female company.

 

I learnt the hard way-met someone and I was just so eager to have someone in my life that I didn't realise how far the cheese had slipped off the cracker with this one, she was a belter and 9 years my junior-but when I went for dinner with the family and saw how they behaved and finally when I saw this massive pig that they had as a pet that was sleeping in its own room....I got that scene from the Hannibal movie in my head and decided to bolt. But seriously don't try to make it what it isn't-but if it might be- be cool.

Good advice - will do. Love the cheese and cracker analogy Edited April 25, 2018 by NoMore Landy

[Mojoman]

Its like the guys say stay level headed with this -you know that it might be a rebound and then you get a double eina-so be cool and try to stay objective. As long as you both know the rules of the game it will be good to just have some female company.

 

I learnt the hard way-met someone and I was just so eager to have someone in my life that I didn't realise how far the cheese had slipped off the cracker with this one, she was a belter and 9 years my junior-but when I went for dinner with the family and saw how they behaved and finally when I saw this massive pig that they had as a pet that was sleeping in its own room....I got that scene from the Hannibal movie in my head and decided to bolt. But seriously don't try to make it what it isn't-but if it might be- be cool.          

I had a friend who had a goat as a pet and that idiot slept inside as well!

[Bateleur1]

I had a friend who had a goat as a pet and that idiot slept inside as well!

 

The friend or the goat? 

[Mojoman]

The friend or the goat? 

haha, Mr Goat was a handful until he got to know you, those horns coming towards you in a dark and narrow passage way were a bit sketchy!

[Simon123]

I read this entire thread over 6 days.  I actually opened it by accident from the side bar and it resonated with many of the experiences I've had, and there are some GREAT pieces of advice here.

 

I also had divorce out of the blue after 14 years of being together (luckily no kids).   It was difficult as I discovered infidelity and worked backwards piecing together all the evidence that was so blatant, I have no idea how I missed it.   But the cracker was being 2 hours into a flight on the way to London and she turned to me telling me she wanted a divorce.  Yeah, that was a great flight and trip!

 

Anyway, the divorce was amicable and we remained friends, literally agreed to split stuff as per ANC, both went to court, she went up and said she wanted one, it was uncontested and 10 weeks later we were divorced.  I still had a good business at the time, but my focus and life fell apart and I was fortunate to have a killer assistant who kept things running.  It was tough though.

 

Just short of a year later, we reconciled and had 4 great years, but we'd started a business together (and I still have to see her every week, although we're on great talking terms).  But same thing (minus, that I know of, infidelity) out of the blue 4 years later, she wanted a "divorce" (although we'd not formally gotten remarried).   I found each time she'd changed groups of friends, rediscovering these ******* hippy friends she had from high-school and for some reason they convinced her life was horrific.   She had everything, lots of free time, enough money to buy any shoes or item she wanted, but it was never enough and always something to complain about.

 

2 years later, I can look at her in meetings and feel NOTHING more than "that's my business partner", something I never thought I'd reach.  The year apart after the initial divorce I put my life on hold and just prayed it would work out.  And Im not a prayer.  Then again for 6 months after the last time at the end of 2015 for a bit, but I'd learned that I can make it.  I reconnected with all my cycling friends, started getting fitter, exploring cities more when I travelled for work because I didn't have to rush home, and slowly rebuilt my home, choosing furniture and redoing lots of things that needed maintenance.   I never got help, but my parents and friends were really great.

 

I did meet someone totally unexpected.  Someone I never thought I'd fall for as they were opposite to the tall, blonde creatives I'd ever dated before.  An accountant who is simply amazing and has (and does) listen to me rant about the bad days, supports me through all the tough times and really is understanding.  A divorcee herself.  Life is looking good, I have spent two years re-structuring two businesses so that I totally own them, and can slowly restore cashflow (something my ex-wife broke, and also got rid of a partner in another who was a drain on resources).   My overdraft is maxed, but each day new clients and light at the end of the tunnel are there and I'm settling up debts created and finding time to have a more normal life again.

 

Lessons I did learn from my initial (and "second") divorce:

• Your family is really amazing when you never expected it.  My dad and I became closer and my mom and I chat every day.  
• My second divorce happened exactly 30 days after I bought a Land Rover.   I'd still not trade my Disco for anything!
• Being single, in-shape, and able to converse and not be a pervert, whilst being solvent literally has everything from hot 21yo students to 35yo "friends of friends" being available for "dates".  I also learned that they all want to put out. LOL
• I reconnected with friends I'd lost during the relationship as I was focussed on her.  I now know there's a balance and my new GF understands this and encourages this time to go riding.
• It does take 5 to 10 years to financially recover.  And mine was amicable and literally a clean break.  Sure, I gave up a car or two, furniture and chunks of cash I had to take out of a business, but ultimately it does come right.  I adjusted from buying new bikes each year and gadgets that caught my fancy to being more planned.  It's tough, but eventually balanced out, even though it happened again as I was getting right from the first one.
• Keep clear records of all big purchases, tax, and the like.  I wish I had this the first time around.  I literally just did enough paperwork to keep myself and the business out of SARS jail.
• It takes a long time to trust again, and I spoke to my new GF about this and she totally gets why I sometimes hold back or am scared to just rush into another marriage, even after almost 2 years of dating.
• Also you must not fall for the first girl that gives you attention (or some happy time!), sure she may be the perfect girl, but pace yourself.  If I dated the first girl that was showing me interest after my divorce, I'd ended up with a complete psycho.
• Online dating was not for me.  Friends clubbed in, created a (worst ever) profile for me and paid for 6 months.  Lots of great girls, and one or two meetings, but I found them all broken and desperate (sorry girls!!   ).   I never tried Tinder or things like that.  Instead I did the old fashioned way.
• I now have a clearer picture of what I want in life.  I AM going to have that wedding (small, just friends, not another stress filled massive expensive day), going to have the kid or two and a nice home.   Will it end in 21 years?  I do not know, but I feel we both are mature enough and have learned some hard lessons that we work on it....
• Which is my last point.  COMMUNICATION.   It's been said before, but my ex was terrible at this.  Either just closed up or was shouting when we really had to discuss difficult things (still is in meetings! haha). And it's super destructive.  Suddenly having someone that can just talk, and we find solutions or agree to dis-agree is so refreshing, which alone has shown me everyone was right about it.

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Brilliant post, Simon. That last bit re communication really resonates with me. Something my ex was really, really bad at. Only 2 settings. When things are going her way, everything's peachy. Not, the psycho comes out.

[Hacc]

Good luck with going to court ( if you are going). Take a day's leave. It is emotionally very tough and draining. Take a family member or friend with. 

 

It was one of the toughest days in my life. When I walked out of court and my parents left my place I sobbed for the last time. 

 

Now looking back on that day I remember the sense of relief when walking out of court. To this day I still feel that way. Divorce was the best decision I made for myself, I have no regrets. On that same day, I also decided not to dwell on the past anymore.

 

Walking out of court is your first step to your new life. 

[New Landy new life]

Recently my daughter tells me I need to buy better clothes and get a hair cut as jeans and. T-shirt she says won't cut it.

 

So she took me shopping for some new rags and I got myself a crew cut.

 

Last night my younger beother took me out for a meal and the waitress starts flirting with me for no apparent reason.

 

Wow, what a nice boost to the confidence. Needless to say, my Brother was astonished.

 

Almost like there is a sign above my head saying "single again"

 

Anyway. Although the pain is still strong, these little things help for the future outlook.

[Stretch]

 

 

Last night my younger beother took me out for a meal and the waitress starts flirting with me for no apparent reason.

 

 

We are part of the animal kingdom.. You are probably emitting a scent unbeknownst to you.... Can any ladies confirm this ????

[Patchelicious]

 

We are part of the animal kingdom.. You are probably emitting a scent unbeknownst to you.... Can any ladies confirm this ????

It’s been proven that eating heaps of baked beans and onions helps!

[Bateleur1]

We are part of the animal kingdom.. You are probably emitting a scent unbeknownst to you.... Can any ladies confirm this

 

Its called after shave 

[Duane_Bosch]

Last night my younger beother took me out for a meal and the waitress starts flirting with me for no apparent reason.

 

Wow, what a nice boost to the confidence. Needless to say, my Brother was astonished.

 

 

Good for you.

 

You'll find that a moderately decent looking heterosexual male with a job and a car is a hot commodity in Cape Town. But be careful.

Edited April 30, 2018 by Duane_Bosch

[Odinson]

Recently my daughter tells me I need to buy better clothes and get a hair cut as jeans and. T-shirt she says won't cut it.

 

So she took me shopping for some new rags and I got myself a crew cut.

 

Last night my younger beother took me out for a meal and the waitress starts flirting with me for no apparent reason.

 

Wow, what a nice boost to the confidence. Needless to say, my Brother was astonished.

 

Almost like there is a sign above my head saying "single again"

 

Anyway. Although the pain is still strong, these little things help for the future outlook.

 

She probably just wanted the tip. 

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

She probably just wanted the tip. 

*just the tip