Advice on Divorce

[Stretch]

So how hectic is this - I'm buying some stuff at a deceased Estate auction and I noticed the guy I am dealing with (the Gent who died's son) had a #bringnikkimulderhome on his email signature. So I spoke to him a bit last night - granted I only have his side of the story, but he says his partner (they weren't married) abducted their son and went back to Bulgaria. He's been fighting for two years to have his son returned - he reckons he has spent 2 Million in court so far, and the next stop is the European Court of Human rights.

 

https://www.facebook.com/Bring-Nikki-Mulder-home-942484232582926

 

He says his partner was a bit eccentric, but never showed any of this behavior when they were together.

 

Hell hath no fury they say.

My uncles ex wife escaped criminal prosecution for something in south Africa by moving to the UK with their two children when they were about 9 and 11. He was not wealthy and couldn't afford to go see them. She fed garbage about him to them to the point that they never came to see him when they were adults. When he died the younger son (the older one died tragically in a cycling accident in London) didn't even bother to come to his funeral yet he willed his little bit of wealth be had left. He was a humble man and his ex wife is a POS. She has absolutely no remorse. Sad story really.

[Amberdrake]

Things change so quickly.

[Steven Knoetze (sk27)]

Things change so quickly.

 

Sounds ominous......

[Red Robin]

My uncles ex wife escaped criminal prosecution for something in south Africa by moving to the UK with their two children when they were about 9 and 11. He was not wealthy and couldn't afford to go see them. She fed garbage about him to them to the point that they never came to see him when they were adults. When he died the younger son (the older one died tragically in a cycling accident in London) didn't even bother to come to his funeral yet he willed his little bit of wealth be had left. He was a humble man and his ex wife is a POS. She has absolutely no remorse. Sad story really.

That is so sad. Like I said in a previous post, I just don't get it.

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Things change so quickly.

Talk, dude... let it out. I find it helps IMMENSELY

[Amberdrake]

Look she been hostile all along, Lawyer advised me to take full weekend with kid.

Ex had stipulated she wanted her home at night every night (i did not agree).

Got a lawyer letter via my lawyer about how irresponsible and impulsive this was.

I shrugged it off tbh, she hadn't even bothered to call me when I sent her whatsapp i'm taking daughter to visit grandparents.

She lies and tries to set traps, where she will get me to do something "incriminating" as in to indicate I am bad father etc.

Anyways my daugther smiled and had fun this past weekend. We posted Multiple photos on groups and she saw she was safe and never once asked re her health.

Yet the letter stated she was concerned for child's safety etc.

I look back and I wonder where is the woman I once loved?

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Short answer - you are now the enemy, and anything they can do to reduce you in their and their friends' eyes, as well as the eyes of your children, they will do. Emotional instability and the need to find a scapegoat / villain in the whole thing, when you / I just want to move on and be done with it. 

 

Unfortunately I find this to be the case quite often, and luckily, the last one hasn't yet happened to me, and I think I have a good enough relationship with my little one to prevent it from having an effect on things. 

 

But - she is vicious. Toxic. Even more now than when we were together. Or perhaps it's always been this way, and I never noticed. 

Edited February 14, 2019 by Captain Fatbastard Mayhem

[Hairy]

I surely have no right to put my hand up here .... but.

 

Play the game, know and accept you are playing the game (so that you do not get "so upset" by her actions) and be the good father, keep an active journal of this as you are doing via social media platforms, should you advise your daughter in anyway to respect her mother, do her homework, etc, then if there is a way to record that you are trying to impact her life in a positive and nurturing manner, then keep this record safe.

 

What I am saying is, build your case.

 

You may hopefully never need to prove yourself to be a "responsible parent", but if you do then you have something to fall back onto.

 

At times when she tries to entrap you, or get you into an argument (especially via a written platform such as email or whatsapp), keep your cool and do your best to come out as the reasonable partner.

 

Play the game, and play to win.

 

Look she been hostile all along, Lawyer advised me to take full weekend with kid.

Ex had stipulated she wanted her home at night every night (i did not agree).

Got a lawyer letter via my lawyer about how irresponsible and impulsive this was.

I shrugged it off tbh, she hadn't even bothered to call me when I sent her whatsapp i'm taking daughter to visit grandparents.

She lies and tries to set traps, where she will get me to do something "incriminating" as in to indicate I am bad father etc.

Anyways my daugther smiled and had fun this past weekend. We posted Multiple photos on groups and she saw she was safe and never once asked re her health.

Yet the letter stated she was concerned for child's safety etc.

I look back and I wonder where is the woman I once loved?

[Amberdrake]

I surely have no right to put my hand up here .... but.

 

Play the game, know and accept you are playing the game (so that you do not get "so upset" by her actions) and be the good father, keep an active journal of this as you are doing via social media platforms, should you advise your daughter in anyway to respect her mother, do her homework, etc, then if there is a way to record that you are trying to impact her life in a positive and nurturing manner, then keep this record safe.

 

What I am saying is, build your case.

 

You may hopefully never need to prove yourself to be a "responsible parent", but if you do then you have something to fall back onto.

 

At times when she tries to entrap you, or get you into an argument (especially via a written platform such as email or whatsapp), keep your cool and do your best to come out as the reasonable partner.

 

Play the game, and play to win.

Sorry 

My post doesn't show it but I do exactly that. I refuse to argue, I turn and walk away.

I spend time with my daughter as I can as much as I can. All of the time I take pictures for the family and friends and post it on groups. 

I have no need to prove anything as I spent 2 weeks watching her alone during dec.

I do my best and this fight is about the health of my child and that's what makes it hard, I can see the change in daughter from with me and grandfather VS what we see when she just came from home(ex staying there alone atm with her). 

[Hairy]

Best wishes and hope this eventually all sorts itself out.

 

A good friend of mine has been divorced for a good many years now already, and in this time he and his ex. have been able to put things behind them and become good friends. 

 

He often visits and spends time with both of them, he say's she is now one of his best friends ..... but he certainly will not "go back again".

 

Hopefully you can find yourself in the same space in good time.

 

 

Sorry 

My post doesn't show it but I do exactly that. I refuse to argue, I turn and walk away.

I spend time with my daughter as I can as much as I can. All of the time I take pictures for the family and friends and post it on groups. 

I have no need to prove anything as I spent 2 weeks watching her alone during dec.

I do my best and this fight is about the health of my child and that's what makes it hard, I can see the change in daughter from with me and grandfather VS what we see when she just came from home(ex staying there alone atm with her). 

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Sorry 

My post doesn't show it but I do exactly that. I refuse to argue, I turn and walk away.

I spend time with my daughter as I can as much as I can. All of the time I take pictures for the family and friends and post it on groups. 

I have no need to prove anything as I spent 2 weeks watching her alone during dec.

I do my best and this fight is about the health of my child and that's what makes it hard, I can see the change in daughter from with me and grandfather VS what we see when she just came from home(ex staying there alone atm with her). 

Dude, I know exactly how you feel with this. I'm experiencing it, albeit at a lower level in that she doesn't actively try to argue, but boy oh boy, when I put my foot down / something doesn't go HER way, the gloves come off and I just sit back. 

 

The difference in his behaviour even after just 20 min in my sole care is bloody incredible.  

[Steven Knoetze (sk27)]

@Amberdrake, I am assuming by "posting to groups" you mean on whatsapp, i.e. controlled groups.

 

Just be careful posting on social media as she may turn around one day and say it is irresponsible.

[Amberdrake]

Yes controlled groups, IE family whatsapp, Even the facebook is friends only as far as I am aware ill have to check again the settings.

[DJR]

I cannot add much about how to deal with it, but thought that a little wisdom someone shared with me when my 2 were little and I felt a bit out of my depth may just come in handy:

 

I was worried that I knew nothing about raising kids and that I'll screw it up. He said that we can get just about everything wrong and the kids will still be fine, even great, as long as we get the ONE important thing right! To LOVE them above anything else, and to make sure they KNOW that, from what you SAY and what you DO!

 

I keep faith in that little bit of advice and I trust that it will outweigh all the mistakes I make.

[Amberdrake]

I cannot add much about how to deal with it, but thought that a little wisdom someone shared with me when my 2 were little and I felt a bit out of my depth may just come in handy:

 

I was worried that I knew nothing about raising kids and that I'll screw it up. He said that we can get just about everything wrong and the kids will still be fine, even great, as long as we get the ONE important thing right! To LOVE them above anything else, and to make sure they KNOW that, from what you SAY and what you DO!

 

I keep faith in that little bit of advice and I trust that it will outweigh all the mistakes I make.

I Agree Its the one thing I keep doing.

[Beard]

Also make sure you always keep your word to them and show up when you say you will. Even if something said in passing like next visit you’ll get ice-creams or whatever, make sure you do. Kids in divorce are more hypersensitive to being let down (partly as your ex consciously or not will let them know that you let her down in various ways and thats why it’s over) and often its the main negative they remember as they grow up into adults. Good luck!