I have an idea for a new thread...

[Eddy Gordo]

1 hour ago, Hairy said:

Have had a few of these before
 

 

back in the day, playing park cricket with a hardball and getting bowled against the head no helmet back then!!

Then one day playing school cricket, top edge on a hook shot and again against the head. That was the last, made sure to leave or connect proper after that.

[PhilipV]

On 9/6/2021 at 3:09 PM, Robbie Stewart said:

reminds me of one afternoon during my matric year. The headmaster was reading out the announcements over the intercom system before ringing the bell for end of day. He got about halfway in when he received the card announcing "die draad-trek span ontmoet vanmiddag om 3 uur op die C-veld. Mejuffrou Smit sal die span onderrig vandag"...needless to say, there followed a silence of about 2 heart beats before the entire school errupted. 

Forensic analysts were brought in to analyse the writing on the card, yet the culprit was never found. The school was warned to share any information that would lead to the culprit and if it was discovered that anyone participated, they would be expelled. Those of us in the know carried that secret all the way out of matric.

In our school all sports results were read out in assembly, sometimes by learners. It was tradition that someone from the matric  class read out a fake sport event from the weekend all year round. Always with a straight face. I remember the Super Tube team, the Trekker ry team and the Apie team. (ie Monkey - the code for masturbation at the time.) It would go something like this: Die Apie spanne  het die naweek téén Rondebosch deelgeneem. Die 1ste span het met 4 balle geseëvier, die tweede span het deur geskraap met een blou bal en 'n baie seer pers bal." 

[MrJacques]

https://thechoiceisyours.whatisthematrix.com

Marketing for the new Matrix movie. Click on either pill a few times

[Hairy]

38 minutes ago, MrJacques said:

https://thechoiceisyours.whatisthematrix.com

Marketing for the new Matrix movie. Click on either pill a few times

THAT IS AWESOME

 

[geomark]

[geomark]

[MTBeer]

 

 

 

 

Ben Trovato

1ehtcSponhsoredd  ·

 

I applied to join the SANDF seven years ago. Still waiting to hear back.

.............

Dear Sergeant,

Watching the Oscar Pistorius trial has reawakened my love of guns and violence. In fact, if it weren’t for Oscar, I would eventually have become one of those crazy people who think disputes are best resolved through talking. I didn’t even know I was becoming like that. It just creeps up on you, hey. One day you forget to go to target practice. The next day you forget to clean your gun. The day after that you forget where you put your gun. And from there it’s a slippery slope to watching reruns of Friends, helping your wife mow the lawn and using your camo makeup to paint a portrait of your sister's idiot child.

All this talk of cricket bats and Black Talon bullets and shots being fired into toilet doors and out of sunroofs and into restaurant floors made me realise that I was hopelessly unprepared for war. I went on to the department of defence’s website to see if I could buy some secondhand machineguns but I found something much better – the Military Skills Development System. I could hardly believe my eyes when I read that you are offering citizens an opportunity to be in the army for two whole years! This used to be one of the perks of being a white South African in the old days.

I have already done two years in the army and I can’t wait to do another two. I have a lot of unfinished business in Angola. I also left a pair of boots there. I won’t need to do basic training again because I can still remember many of the commands, like “Attention!” and “About turn!” and “Run away!”

Your advert says “the army’s mandate focuses on the provisioning of combat ready forces and plays a leading role in landward operations”. I don’t really understand what that is, but it sounds like you mean business.

I see one of your requirements is that applicants must have completed Grade 12. I don’t mean to be rude, but, quite frankly, that’s ridiculous. In my day, the army didn’t care how educated you were. I had people in my bungalow so stupid that they thought the earth was six thousand years old. You only have to pick up a newspaper and look at the date to know how old the earth us. I checked this morning and it’s two thousand and fourteen years old.

Before I sign up, I want to make sure of one thing. We are going to be killing people, right? I don’t want to get there and then spend the next two years practising how to kill people. I am not interested in military theory. I want to get out there and stick a bayonet through someone's face. Preferably someone who doesn't look like me.

Who is our enemy, by the way? Just so you know, I don’t mind killing white people. I am not a racist. If you want to send me to Paris to kill the French, I am happy to do it. Everybody is fair game. And when I say fair, I mean people in wheelchairs can get a head start.

There is no shortage of countries to attack. For instance, we need to stop pretending that Lesotho and Swaziland are real countries and take them for ourselves. Put me in charge and Maseru will be ours by next week. Mbabane might take a bit longer because the Swazis will make our troops smoke dagga and they might forget what the mission was. It wouldn’t be the first time.

It's a pity Lindiwe Sisulu isn't in charge any more. She's such a babe. Fit, too. I would like to see her running for president. This other one on your website looks like she got her physique from running for the buffet. No wonder people are saying that right now the Salvation Army could kick our asses.

By the way, I want to volunteer for jungle training in Port St Johns. Shooting civilians is the best way to prepare for battle. I am very familiar with the vegetation that grows in that area. Give me the rank of brigadier and cut me loose.

Once we have the Transkei back under our control, we need to move on the Chinese. I am less familiar with these people, but most of us already know how to pronounce words like 'chow mein' and 'chop suey'. It can't be that hard to learn simple phrases like, “Stop bribing government officials and pillaging our resources.”

Once the Chinese are taken care of, we can turn our attention to matters closer to home. The government keeps cutting military spending. It is criminal that health, housing and education are getting a bigger slice of the budget than defence. What will happen if we spend all our money on the sick, the homeless and the stupid and then, when we least expect it, we are invaded by Zimbabwe?

As a disciplined and loyal soldier, I will never use the words 'coup d'etat'. But I think we both know what I'm saying here. Anyway. Let me know when you want me to start. I have a camo-print shirt and matching broeks. I just need guns and a moving target. And, if I get the Transkei posting, maybe an SABS-approved bong.

[MrJacques]

6 hours ago, Hairy said:

THAT IS AWESOME

 

Rob Warner voice: Look at the time!

[geomark]

[Shebeen]

On 9/6/2021 at 3:09 PM, Robbie Stewart said:

reminds me of one afternoon during my matric year. The headmaster was reading out the announcements over the intercom system before ringing the bell for end of day. He got about halfway in when he received the card announcing "die draad-trek span ontmoet vanmiddag om 3 uur op die C-veld. Mejuffrou Smit sal die span onderrig vandag"...needless to say, there followed a silence of about 2 heart beats before the entire school errupted. 

Forensic analysts were brought in to analyse the writing on the card, yet the culprit was never found. The school was warned to share any information that would lead to the culprit and if it was discovered that anyone participated, they would be expelled. Those of us in the know carried that secret all the way out of matric.

They got forensics in for that? We had a very unpopular headmaster, who got compared to Hitler. His yesmen were called the "Gestaffo". Team of computer savvy matrics doing then world class photoshop superimposed his face on this sort of stuff.

 

the library photocopy machine did 100s of these sort of leaflets and even an underground newspaper was produced with a few jokes but slagging him off mainly.

one day it was taken a bit far maybe, we all file into chapel and under every single kneeler was an A4 of his face in a gay porn act. Thing is the staff and he would come in last. The geniuses didn't put this under any staff's kneeler except his. He walked straight out on seeing it, there was threats but no action was taken. He had lost the staffroom by then and resigned the next year. Speaking to some of the more established staff at reunions later, they hated his guts and fondly remembered these days.

 

[Robbie Stewart]

32 minutes ago, Shebeen said:

They got forensics in for that? We had a very unpopular headmaster, who got compared to Hitler. His yesmen were called the "Gestaffo". Team of computer savvy matrics doing then world class photoshop superimposed his face on this sort of stuff.

 

the library photocopy machine did 100s of these sort of leaflets and even an underground newspaper was produced with a few jokes but slagging him off mainly.

one day it was taken a bit far maybe, we all file into chapel and under every single kneeler was an A4 of his face in a gay porn act. Thing is the staff and he would come in last. The geniuses didn't put this under any staff's kneeler except his. He walked straight out on seeing it, there was threats but no action was taken. He had lost the staffroom by then and resigned the next year. Speaking to some of the more established staff at reunions later, they hated his guts and fondly remembered these days.

 

I was in Outeniqua High in George, and the then head master was trying to compete with the likes of Paarl Gym, Grey's in Bloem and others like them. My standard head and I knocked heads way back in 1990 when I was in std 6 (grade 8). I was the tallest kid in the standard, and he was the rugby coach for the 1st team. He decided I would be his future lock, and when I innocently informed him I was not permitted to play rugby by my parents (this happens when your uncle is a neurosurgeon and he tells your mum of all the brain injuries he's treated for school kids playing rugby). 

From then on, I was public humiliation target no. 1. He would wait until all my classmates were close by before making humiliating comments about me. One morning in my final year, he did inspection checking hair length, uniform tidiness etc. Knowing the dick that he was, I spent each Monday morning making sure you could pull me through a ring. Anyhow, he managed to decide my hair was too long - I had cut over the weekend - and threatened to "klap jou so hard, jou kop sal hop of Roland Garros". The entire school was lined up outside, military parade style, being inspected. each class lined up side by side -  all 1200 hundred of us. Maybe a third heard the exchange of words.

I calmly looked him in the eye as he was standing about 30cm away from me staring me down, and responded as follows.

"meneer moet maar klap, en as my kop klaar gehop get, gaan ek vir meneer bliksem".

He went red in the face, the entire crowd of kids in ear shot just erupted in uncontrollable laughter and started jeering him. I could say this, as I was still the biggest kid in the school at the time, and I was looking him square in the eye. He turned and stormed off, and nothing ever came of it.

I reckon each school has this power hungry asshole who tries to project power. 

[Duane_Bosch]

2 hours ago, Robbie Stewart said:

I reckon each school has this power hungry asshole who tries to project power. 

Haha. When I was in the Army I was a provincial sportsman so I went to youngsfield. One of my mates was a guy named Anthony Kettle. He was a full contact Karate champion. He was a bona fide bad ass. This was before MMA but that type of thing was his gig. No one fcked with Kettle.

 

The one day one of the lieutenants gets it in his head to take Kettle on. Friendly taunting stuff. So Kettle says I can take you out with both hands behind my back. He literally said those exact words. The lieut accepts the challenge. Buts his beret down. They square up. BAM. Kettle connects with a kick to the head and the Lieutenant was lights out for a few minutes. The entire company including the Captain and the Sargent major laughed their asses off. Aaand then we spent the rest of the day getting jaaged as we called it.

Edited September 9, 2021 by Duane_Bosch

[The Ouzo]

1 hour ago, Duane_Bosch said:

Haha. When I was in the Army I was a provincial sportsman so I went to youngsfield. One of my mates was a guy named Anthony Kettle. He was a full contact Karate champion. He was a bona fide bad ass. This was before MMA but that type of thing was his gig. No one fcked with Kettle.

 

The one day one of the lieutenants gets it in his head to take Kettle on. Friendly taunting stuff. So Kettle says I can take you out with both hands behind my back. He literally said those exact words. The lieut accepts the challenge. Buts his beret down. They square up. BAM. Kettle connects with a kick to the head and the Lieutenant was lights out for a few minutes. The entire company including the Captain and the Sargent major laughed their asses off. Aaand then we spent the rest of the day getting jaaged as we called it.

love it

[Hairy]

 

[Frosty]

[justinafrika]

Laughing My Skinny Pale Arse Off!  I wrote that longhand Frosty, so you know it’s true.