Advice on Divorce

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

It still does hurt as I know when she leaves I am going to be totally alone. She has a much larger circle of friends to lean on.

 

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quality over quantity, dude. 

[Stretch]

Yes. I told her that she asked to leave so she should have made a financial plan for her future and not merely assume I would step in and bail her out. I said those days are finished and I will not be going into overdraft for her ever again. She said she left on weekends to go to stay at a "friend" who works at some game farm near Langebaan so she does not have to look at my sad face all weekend. That comment really stung.

 

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Harmful words still don't pay the deposit.

[New Landy new life]

Harmful words still don't pay the deposit.

May be so, but I cannot go into overdraft to cover it

 

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[Stretch]

May be so, but I cannot go into overdraft to cover it

 

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And you mustn't.

[Sepia]

She obviously knows/thinks that you still care, and therefore you will help her out. Time to set her straight and tell her you don’t feel anything anymore. It seems that its way past rescuing, so trying to be the nice guy is only making you look weak in her eyes.

Do this.....try, at least.

Edited February 13, 2018 by Sepia

[Spoke101]

Hey Landy, I've recently been through a similar experience, although not married we had been living together for 2 years and the only difference was there were no ring on the finger otherwise we were like a married couple.

Long story short I arrived back home one evening after being away for the weekend and all my things were packed, I didn't even make it out the kitchen. There had been absolutely no warning and the reasons I was given were that we don't like the same TV programs and that I was not good enough at 30 seconds to name a few. Now this was the girl I was set to marry and it broke me big time.

Things were amicable at first and we chatted and certain thing came to the fore that made me realize that she had not been completely open and honest but we agreed to to stay friends as we were before our relationship. 

 

I gave her space and accommodated all her requests but as we lived in a complex and I had some very good friends there and now was living in the complex next door with my mum who has Cancer she would see me there from time to time.

 

Well this is when things started getting nasty, she was back together with her Ex 6 weeks later.

Now because I was popping into the complex every now and then to see her neighbors who were like surrogate grandparent to me (I am very good friends with their son) and I was still helping rebuild the complex dam and helping out other friends. I got accused of supposedly losing the plot and going psychopath stalker and hacking into her Bank, Email and Phone accounts.

 

Well I got completely blocked on all social media and so did all my friends and family thus 2 years of my life diapered overnight on FB. I also learn't the other day when I confronted her about an outstanding financial issue that she viewed as a gift and that if I don't like it I can speak to her lawyer. This from someone who said after the breakup that they wanted to remain good friends and would always be there for me.

 

Rant over:

 

Now to your comment of being alone and the harsh words.

 

People show there true colours when the chips are down and if not now it would have come up later. Remain true to yourself and do as to others as you would like to be done unto you.

Words are just that words so let them be water off a ducks back, people show emotion and process things differently and her comment with regards to your sad face shows she's also hurting. So be amicable and try not to add to the hurt but at the end of the day you need to put yourself first (financial dealings included).

See this as and opportunity to do things you would not have normally done, see new things, meet new people and live life as you only have one. I sort of did the Yes Man movie thing (don't say no to opportunities that come your way) and it's helped hugely.

I have also come to realize that sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees, like a race horse with blinkers on and until you break out and realize there's more to life and what you had in my case was false and constricting, you can't move on.

Time, space and talking do wonders for healing and moving on but it also helps if you can full that hole left behind with other good people/experiences.

 

A few daily reminders:

• Being grateful for what you have because no matter how bad you think it is someone else has it worse off.
• Always take a positive out of a situation  (lessons learn't, experience, etc)
• When one door closes another opens.
• There are a lot of good people out there, you just need to meet them.

I wish you all the best for the future and keep your chin up.

[Mojoman]

Hey Landy, I've recently been through a similar experience, although not married we had been living together for 2 years and the only difference was there were no ring on the finger otherwise we were like a married couple.

Long story short I arrived back home one evening after being away for the weekend and all my things were packed, I didn't even make it out the kitchen. There had been absolutely no warning and the reasons I was given were that we don't like the same TV programs and that I was not good enough at 30 seconds to name a few. Now this was the girl I was set to marry and it broke me big time.

Things were amicable at first and we chatted and certain thing came to the fore that made me realize that she had not been completely open and honest but we agreed to to stay friends as we were before our relationship. 

 

I gave her space and accommodated all her requests but as we lived in a complex and I had some very good friends there and now was living in the complex next door with my mum who has Cancer she would see me there from time to time.

 

Well this is when things started getting nasty, she was back together with her Ex 6 weeks later.

Now because I was popping into the complex every now and then to see her neighbors who were like surrogate grandparent to me (I am very good friends with their son) and I was still helping rebuild the complex dam and helping out other friends. I got accused of supposedly losing the plot and going psychopath stalker and hacking into her Bank, Email and Phone accounts.

 

Well I got completely blocked on all social media and so did all my friends and family thus 2 years of my life diapered overnight on FB. I also learn't the other day when I confronted her about an outstanding financial issue that she viewed as a gift and that if I don't like it I can speak to her lawyer. This from someone who said after the breakup that they wanted to remain good friends and would always be there for me.

 

Rant over:

 

Now to your comment of being alone and the harsh words.

 

People show there true colours when the chips are down and if not now it would have come up later. Remain true to yourself and do as to others as you would like to be done unto you.

Words are just that words so let them be water off a ducks back, people show emotion and process things differently and her comment with regards to your sad face shows she's also hurting. So be amicable and try not to add to the hurt but at the end of the day you need to put yourself first (financial dealings included).

See this as and opportunity to do things you would not have normally done, see new things, meet new people and live life as you only have one. I sort of did the Yes Man movie thing (don't say no to opportunities that come your way) and it's helped hugely.

I have also come to realize that sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees, like a race horse with blinkers on and until you break out and realize there's more to life and what you had in my case was false and constricting, you can't move on.

Time, space and talking do wonders for healing and moving on but it also helps if you can full that hole left behind with other good people/experiences.

 

A few daily reminders:

• Being grateful for what you have because no matter how bad you think it is someone else has it worse off.
• Always take a positive out of a situation  (lessons learn't, experience, etc)
• When one door closes another opens.
• There are a lot of good people out there, you just need to meet them.

I wish you all the best for the future and keep your chin up.

Sounds like you dodged the bullet there my friend....

[Paul Ruinaard]

Hey Landy, things are going as predicted. Strongs my man. Make sure you dont capitulate on these things. Delay every decision and look at it twice cause you arent thinking straight.

 

I wish i could add more - havent got time right now, but its panning out exactly as predicted

[Escapee..]

She obviously knows/thinks that you still care, and therefore you will help her out. Time to set her straight and tell her you don’t feel anything anymore. It seems that its way past rescuing, so trying to be the nice guy is only making you look weak in her eyes.

 

Playing on his feelings is the only card she has left..

 

Time to man up and treat her as the home wrecker she is and not the person you loved before. As soon as you can do that mind shift things will start getting much much better

[Paddaman]

Landy, remember to protect your pension.  To accumulate that amount of funds again is virtually impossible. 

Remember she has walked out on you.  Therefore, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO WIN HER BACK.  You must be emotionally dead to her.  Any feelings towards her must be eradicated like the plague.  If you give her even a sliver of hope, she will be back as soon as her money runs out. 

Then it will be rinse and repeat until you are finished.

 

Keep your head up and remember you have friends everywhere  and you are part of a greater community.  On every ride, every run and every race you will have a friend.  You do not walk alone.

[New Landy new life]

Hey Landy, I've recently been through a similar experience, although not married we had been living together for 2 years and the only difference was there were no ring on the finger otherwise we were like a married couple.

Long story short I arrived back home one evening after being away for the weekend and all my things were packed, I didn't even make it out the kitchen. There had been absolutely no warning and the reasons I was given were that we don't like the same TV programs and that I was not good enough at 30 seconds to name a few. Now this was the girl I was set to marry and it broke me big time.

Things were amicable at first and we chatted and certain thing came to the fore that made me realize that she had not been completely open and honest but we agreed to to stay friends as we were before our relationship.

 

I gave her space and accommodated all her requests but as we lived in a complex and I had some very good friends there and now was living in the complex next door with my mum who has Cancer she would see me there from time to time.

 

Well this is when things started getting nasty, she was back together with her Ex 6 weeks later.

Now because I was popping into the complex every now and then to see her neighbors who were like surrogate grandparent to me (I am very good friends with their son) and I was still helping rebuild the complex dam and helping out other friends. I got accused of supposedly losing the plot and going psychopath stalker and hacking into her Bank, Email and Phone accounts.

 

Well I got completely blocked on all social media and so did all my friends and family thus 2 years of my life diapered overnight on FB. I also learn't the other day when I confronted her about an outstanding financial issue that she viewed as a gift and that if I don't like it I can speak to her lawyer. This from someone who said after the breakup that they wanted to remain good friends and would always be there for me.

 

Rant over:

 

Now to your comment of being alone and the harsh words.

 

People show there true colours when the chips are down and if not now it would have come up later. Remain true to yourself and do as to others as you would like to be done unto you.

Words are just that words so let them be water off a ducks back, people show emotion and process things differently and her comment with regards to your sad face shows she's also hurting. So be amicable and try not to add to the hurt but at the end of the day you need to put yourself first (financial dealings included).

See this as and opportunity to do things you would not have normally done, see new things, meet new people and live life as you only have one. I sort of did the Yes Man movie thing (don't say no to opportunities that come your way) and it's helped hugely.

I have also come to realize that sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees, like a race horse with blinkers on and until you break out and realize there's more to life and what you had in my case was false and constricting, you can't move on.

Time, space and talking do wonders for healing and moving on but it also helps if you can full that hole left behind with other good people/experiences.

 

A few daily reminders:

• Being grateful for what you have because no matter how bad you think it is someone else has it worse off.
• Always take a positive out of a situation (lessons learn't, experience, etc)
• When one door closes another opens.
• There are a lot of good people out there, you just need to meet them.

I wish you all the best for the future and keep your chin up.

Thanks bud. Will take all this to heart. Especially like the "yes man" idea.

 

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[Honkdonk]

So hard..

Some days are better than others, some weeks are better than those before..

 

The messaging doesn't stop. She just keeps sending them through. Like mortars from over the wall, or like a constant barrage from a battering ram at the door. Relentless. Insulting. Accusing.

I read but I don't reply.

I am not worthy as a father, not a good example to my kids etc etc. Its very hard to read and get on with life.

I had to sit with my eldest daughters therapist last week to get some feedback on how she is holding out, and she is having a hard time of things, but what became apparent is how our two parenting styles are so different, and its also indicative of how different we are as people who were in a 11 year marriage. The ex does'nt filter information according to what a 10 year old should be told. She gets the full picture. Which, to my mind is wrong and unfair. It puts me in a very difficult place and if i try and talk to her (the youngest) about it she then feels caught in the middle, which way does she turn. Its all to mature for a 10 year old. She shouldn't be exposed to adult concepts like an accrual claim.. But the ex seems to think that honesty is the best policy, but its wrong in this case.

 

One day at a time. Head up and keep smiling

[Shebeen]

It still does hurt as I know when she leaves I am going to be totally alone. She has a much larger circle of friends to lean on.

 

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

Well it seems none of them have a spare room for her for a few months to get back on her feet.

 

I've never met you in person, but wouldn't hesitate lending you a bike if (eg) you needed one for the Argus. 

[Mudsimus]

Well it seems none of them have a spare room for her for a few months to get back on her feet.

 

I've never met you in person, but wouldn't hesitate lending you a bike if (eg) you needed one for the Argus.

My wife’s best friend is going trough a divorce at the moment. She actually asked if she can move in with us for a few weeks and my wife straight up told her no. Best friend or not, no one needs to deal with that kind of baggage.

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

So hard..

Some days are better than others, some weeks are better than those before..

 

The messaging doesn't stop. She just keeps sending them through. Like mortars from over the wall, or like a constant barrage from a battering ram at the door. Relentless. Insulting. Accusing.

I read but I don't reply.

I am not worthy as a father, not a good example to my kids etc etc. Its very hard to read and get on with life.

I had to sit with my eldest daughters therapist last week to get some feedback on how she is holding out, and she is having a hard time of things, but what became apparent is how our two parenting styles are so different, and its also indicative of how different we are as people who were in a 11 year marriage. The ex does'nt filter information according to what a 10 year old should be told. She gets the full picture. Which, to my mind is wrong and unfair. It puts me in a very difficult place and if i try and talk to her (the youngest) about it she then feels caught in the middle, which way does she turn. Its all to mature for a 10 year old. She shouldn't be exposed to adult concepts like an accrual claim.. But the ex seems to think that honesty is the best policy, but its wrong in this case.

 

One day at a time. Head up and keep smiling

One day at a time, bud. Agreed on the lightie, though. Details should be kept light, love should be kept in the forefront. 

[Slowbee]

Well it seems none of them have a spare room for her for a few months to get back on her feet.

 

I've never met you in person, but wouldn't hesitate lending you a bike if (eg) you needed one for the Argus. 

ja well no fine, if he asks to borrow cycling bibs that is a wwhwooooooollllllee 'nother story

 

and no you cant borrow my water bottle.