Advice on Divorce

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

I know you aren't going to listen to this advice but here goes anyway.

 

Slow it all down a bit. Or at least keep it relaxed and non committal. You don't know it yet but you are still very vulnerable and your filters suck from years of marriage so no need for them.

 

Play the field. Have fun. Don't commit to anything. We (Men) tend to dive in too quickly coz we're afraid of being alone. Don't be afraid. You live in Cape Town and there are THOUSANDS of available women patiently waiting for you. The fact that a woman is prepared to get involved with you before your divorce has gone through should be a major red flag.

THIS. I've come to realise this as well. 

[Patchelicious]

THIS. I've come to realise this as well. 

Yes, you had to realise it, because you didnt listen.

 

Landy, dont be like Mayhem, rather listen

[Thor Buttox]

I know you aren't going to listen to this advice but here goes anyway.

 

Slow it all down a bit. Or at least keep it relaxed and non committal. You don't know it yet but you are still very vulnerable and your filters suck from years of marriage so no need for them.

 

Play the field. Have fun. Don't commit to anything. We (Men) tend to dive in too quickly coz we're afraid of being alone. Don't be afraid. You live in Cape Town and there are THOUSANDS of available women patiently waiting for you. The fact that a woman is prepared to get involved with you before your divorce has gone through should be a major red flag.

^^^^ Hub advice of the week.

[New Landy new life]

I know you aren't going to listen to this advice but here goes anyway.

 

Slow it all down a bit. Or at least keep it relaxed and non committal. You don't know it yet but you are still very vulnerable and your filters suck from years of marriage so no need for them.

 

Play the field. Have fun. Don't commit to anything. We (Men) tend to dive in too quickly coz we're afraid of being alone. Don't be afraid. You live in Cape Town and there are THOUSANDS of available women patiently waiting for you. The fact that a woman is prepared to get involved with you before your divorce has gone through should be a major red flag.

Thanks Duane

 

I will take your advice.

 

But I am definately not yet involved.

 

Just exploring and no idea if it is just a friendship or maybe more much later on.

 

As you say, have been so long out of the game I have no idea how to read the signs.

 

I wouldn't blame her for getting friendly with me as we only started seeing a little of each other after my divorce and it has been totally casual friendship only.

 

It is nice though....

Edited June 15, 2018 by NoMore Landy

[Escapee..]

I know you aren't going to listen to this advice but here goes anyway.

 

Slow it all down a bit. Or at least keep it relaxed and non committal. You don't know it yet but you are still very vulnerable and your filters suck from years of marriage so no need for them.

 

Play the field. Have fun. Don't commit to anything. We (Men) tend to dive in too quickly coz we're afraid of being alone. Don't be afraid. You live in Cape Town and there are THOUSANDS of available women patiently waiting for you. The fact that a woman is prepared to get involved with you before your divorce has gone through should be a major red flag.

 

Good solid advise except for the major red flag part.

 

Yes the timing isnt great but I dont think they are planning to move in together this weekend...

[Paul Ruinaard]

I know you aren't going to listen to this advice but here goes anyway.

 

Slow it all down a bit. Or at least keep it relaxed and non committal. You don't know it yet but you are still very vulnerable and your filters suck from years of marriage so no need for them.

 

Play the field. Have fun. Don't commit to anything. We (Men) tend to dive in too quickly coz we're afraid of being alone. Don't be afraid. You live in Cape Town and there are THOUSANDS of available women patiently waiting for you. The fact that a woman is prepared to get involved with you before your divorce has gone through should be a major red flag.

All part of the healing process imo. Duane is right. You are likely to get excited cause some honey is acting interested. It makes you feel desirable and also makes you realise you aren't in for a life of solitude.

 

However it will teach you the skills you are going to need again.

 

Its like being a pimply youth who finally gets a date. You are probably going to blow it because you rush things (like you did when you were 113/15/17). But you learn quickly.

 

WTF. Depends on you personally but you can also take sometimes and get your needs met. Its not always about giving but if you have a wild 3 months withs some new honey who fascinates you now then its lekker and you will be ready to move from your hardtail to your Full sus ride cause you now can ride (to add an mtb analogy).

 

If you go full sus straight up you miss those vital skills (although its always fun to take a hardtail for a burn - sorry couldn't resist - its Friday)

[eddy]

It is nice though....

 

 

This is what makes us humans so vulnerable. 

 

We come out of a bad space and we relish the kindness/respectshown/fun/seks/attention/admiration/etc without realising that it may only be great because we missed it so much.

 

ps. When it gets to that point, wear a condom. Not only because you don't want a STD but you don't need a baby at this stage of your life.

Edited June 15, 2018 by eddy

[Duane_Bosch]

Good solid advise except for the major red flag part.

 

Yes the timing isnt great but I dont think they are planning to move in together this weekend...

Just trying to offer advice from lived experience. IMO The mistake we (me) make is that we've been lacking attention, affirmation, kindness, touch, sex for so long that we (me) mistake it for something that it isn't.

 

The risk then is that you jump in boots and all and then later have to extract yourself from a bunny boiler or, even worse, you hurt someone who has in good faith opened hear heart to you when you aren't truly ready to open yours. 

 

All I'm saying is keep it light. Be honest about where you are. If she's a keeper she'll understand and be patient.

Edited June 15, 2018 by Duane_Bosch

[Uni]

I'm not divorced - never married so maybe my 2c is worth less than that but I was saying to another girl who's bemoaning that she's 39 and never gonna find her person - stop with the freaking rules. 

 

To say that the woman is prepared to get involved before he gets divorced is a red flag - um ... there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying the company of someone of the opposite gender. And I'm sure landy and lady () know not to jump the gun (or each other ) too soon that might complicate divorce matters - but butterflies in the stomach are awesome - feeling captivated by someone is awesome - enjoy the **** out of it!!! 
Sometimes we wait ...and then it's too late. She might not be the one, but if she puts a smile on your face now - it's worth it. 

 

*lady's perspective

[Stretch]

 

 

You live in Cape Town and there are THOUSANDS of available women patiently waiting for you.

It's cape town.... There's even more men

[Sepia]

I'm not divorced - never married so maybe my 2c is worth less than that but I was saying to another girl who's bemoaning that she's 39 and never gonna find her person - stop with the freaking rules. 

 

To say that the woman is prepared to get involved before he gets divorced is a red flag - um ... there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying the company of someone of the opposite gender. And I'm sure landy and lady ( ) know not to jump the gun (or each other ) too soon that might complicate divorce matters - but butterflies in the stomach are awesome - feeling captivated by someone is awesome - enjoy the **** out of it!!! 

Sometimes we wait ...and then it's too late. She might not be the one, but if she puts a smile on your face now - it's worth it. 

 

*lady's perspective

So very true this.

[New Landy new life]

I'm not divorced - never married so maybe my 2c is worth less than that but I was saying to another girl who's bemoaning that she's 39 and never gonna find her person - stop with the freaking rules.

 

To say that the woman is prepared to get involved before he gets divorced is a red flag - um ... there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying the company of someone of the opposite gender. And I'm sure landy and lady () know not to jump the gun (or each other ) too soon that might complicate divorce matters - but butterflies in the stomach are awesome - feeling captivated by someone is awesome - enjoy the **** out of it!!!

Sometimes we wait ...and then it's too late. She might not be the one, but if she puts a smile on your face now - it's worth it.

 

*lady's perspective

Thanks lady Uni for that perspective.

[Red Robin]

Busy catching up with this thread as not been on the hub for ages.

Landy I am happy to hear that life is improving and that there are new people in your life. Enjoy and continue to move forward.

[Honkdonk]

Divorce is a very traumatic experience and there will be peaks and troughs of emotions and these infiltrate life in all aspects, and one of them would be the rebound relationship.

 

Ive been shackle free for a month now (officially) and I see the signs that women give off sneaking in here and there. I am very aware of not going down the wrong road again so its tread lightly and be up front and open from the off.

 

There is one that seems keen, but she is coming out of her own mess so I keep my distance and the contact relatively superficial and sparse. I say she seems keen but it could be a 'friend zone' thing. I'm sometimes so oblivious to these things whether its the 'zone' or 'come here and rip my clothes off' signals.

 

Slowly slowly catches monkeys.

And no un PC puns intended

[Letum911]

Thanks, Letum. 

 

And will do. It's something I would have finished, so I'm allowed to write about it, yeah?

 

In short it's a public process so nothing stops you from writing once it's finalized. I would however stay clear from adding personal info and specifics.

[PhilipV]

It's cape town.... There's even more men

Ja but they are not competing against him.