Advice on Divorce

[gemmerbal]

That is an interesting question and in my opinion it is entirely up to you and how you portray yourself. The question always comes up during this dating process: why did you get divorced? And you better have a good answer. Let me explain.

 

If you come across as vulnerable you will be taken for a ride by the first narcissistic female dog that comes across your path, which will lead to your downfall if you don't recognise the situation and immediately put on your running shoes and run in the opposite direction. That happened to me, twice. And it took me a long time to pull myself towards myself after that. There are people that can sniff out your vulnerability better than a tracking dog, and they will try and use you for their own gain at whatever cost. Read up and educate yourself on narcissistic personality disorder. They walk among us, and they are everywhere. The older you get, the more difficult it is to find “normal” people.

 

You see, it is also natural to overcompensate for the things that lead to your failed marriage, which in itself has its own pitfalls. You end up being someone that is not you. It is ok to try and improve on yourself, but i don't think you should completely sacrifice who you are for the sake of another person.

 

I tried Tinder, i met some crazy people on there. Including a transgender person. And they are not as easy to identify as you might think! Needless to say, i put on my reeboks and ran for the hills!

 

I am 5 years single, and at peace with myself. I have no stress other than the usual financial issues. Do i miss having someone around? Yes of course. But i am at a point now where going where i want when i want is far more appealing to me than being in a relationship.

 

Get a friend with benefits. You will thank me later.

 

Just out of curiousity, how long did it take you guys to start dating again after your divorce?

[eddy]

If you come across as vulnerable you will be taken for a ride by the first narcissistic female dog that comes across your path,

 

There are people that can sniff out your vulnerability better than a tracking dog, and they will try and use you for their own gain at whatever cost. 

 

 

^^^^^ This ^^^^^

 

And it happened exactly like that to me 

 

I can attest that there are evil people out there who will purposely use you to settle a score,  and will lose no sleep about the devastation they cause or relationships they manage to destroy.

Edited March 2, 2020 by eddy

[blondeonabike]

For me it has really taken a while to trust again. I've been so defensive of my independence after being so financially dependent in my marriage. I've feared being vulnerable, thinking I could be taken for granted. All things heal with time and it has been a journey of getting my confidence back. I turned 40 a few days ago and now feel like I've 'come into myself' and ready to really share my life again now that I've got to know who I really am.

Edited March 2, 2020 by blondeonabike

[SwissVan]

That bad hey

Last time I dated there was barely internet [emoji38]

barely internet.....

 

LOL

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

For me it has really taken a while to trust again. I've been so defensive of my independence after being so financially dependent in my marriage. I've feared being vulnerable, thinking I could be taken for granted. All things heal with time and it has been a journey of getting my confidence back. I turned 40 a few days ago and now feel like I've 'come into myself' and ready to really share my life again now that I've got to know who I really am.

Well done! Seriously, that's excellent.

[gemmerbal]

Yes it takes time to learn to trust people again. But more importantly, it takes time for you to learn to trust yourself again too. One of the most valuable lessons I've learnt was to listen to my family’s advice when i introduce someone to them. Family knows, and they are objective in their observation of someone knew. It is also very difficult if not impossible for the narcissist to bs several people at the same time, thus this to me is the ultimate litmus test.

 

By now my friends and family have also learnt not to keep bugging me about meeting someone because “you can’t be alone”. What utter BS. This is society speaking, where it is seemingly unacceptable to be single because how can you be happy when you are single?

 

Love yourself, be comfortable in your own company and do the things that you enjoy doing. You dont need a spouse to ride a bicycle afterall.

 

For me it has really taken a while to trust again. I've been so defensive of my independence after being so financially dependent in my marriage. I've feared being vulnerable, thinking I could be taken for granted. All things heal with time and it has been a journey of getting my confidence back. I turned 40 a few days ago and now feel like I've 'come into myself' and ready to really share my life again now that I've got to know who I really am.

Edited March 2, 2020 by gemmerbal

[EddieV]

Maybe I need to hit you up then for when you guys go riding again, after world fun ride champs of course.  My mountain biking skills have taken a nose dive with all the road cycling I've been doing lately

 

My advice would be not to load any initial relationship/date/friendship.

 

Don’t see any newly acquainted person as a potential partner. Also, don’t try and find a partner outside your interests, rather find what you really enjoy, whether it’s hiking, cycling, triathlon, throw yourself at these activities, join the clubs and groups, and you’ll meet like-minded people while doing these ….  And that’s probably your best bet for finding a compatible partner.  It worked for me.

 

Also, don’t date while you still harbour negative thoughts towards your ex … or exes It taints stuff.   

[GrahamS2]

For me it has really taken a while to trust again. I've been so defensive of my independence after being so financially dependent in my marriage. I've feared being vulnerable, thinking I could be taken for granted. All things heal with time and it has been a journey of getting my confidence back. I turned 40 a few days ago and now feel like I've 'come into myself' and ready to really share my life again now that I've got to know who I really am.

 

My journey took a different path, although I didn't realise it at the time. I was emotionally disengaged for the last year of my marriage, feeling quite alone. Not a great place to be when you're changing jobs, houses, and countries in a short space of time. But in retrospect this gave me the opportunity to move on emotionally, despite living under the same roof. 

 

I met someone quite soon after we officially separated, and was very concerned that it was a rebound relationship for me. I've been completely honest with my partner about this, but she understands the back story of my marriage and it never felt like a rebound at all. I also unpacked a LOT with my psychologist, which has helped me immensely and helped make the right decisions and learning to trust my gut instincts. Something which I ignored for many years in my marriage.

 

4 months later, I feel like I'm in a really healthy relationship and I'm happy for the first time in a long while. Will see where it takes me.

Edited March 2, 2020 by GrahamS2

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Spot on, Gemmerbal, Eddie and Graham.

[Disylizzy]

Some really good advice here, thanks guys.

 

And well done @blondeonabike 

[blondeonabike]

My journey took a different path, although I didn't realise it at the time. I was emotionally disengaged for the last year of my marriage, feeling quite alone. Not a great place to be when you're changing jobs, houses, and countries in a short space of time. But in retrospect this gave me the opportunity to move on emotionally, despite living under the same roof.

 

I met someone quite soon after we officially separated, and was very concerned that it was a rebound relationship for me. I've been completely honest with my partner about this, but she understands the back story of my marriage and it never felt like a rebound at all. I also unpacked a LOT with my psychologist, which has helped me immensely and helped make the right decisions and learning to trust my gut instincts. Something which I ignored for many years in my marriage.

 

4 months later, I feel like I'm in a really healthy relationship and I'm happy for the first time in a long while. Will see where it takes me.

[blondeonabike]

Amazing how the right person understands that you need some space to heal. I was scared of putting someone in the hole where husband was instead of letting that space heal first. It would also not have been fair to that other person. So eventhough I also found someone soon I kept him at arms length and let things be casual for a long time. And that is why I also kept my own place. I think he may be the right one because he understands my independence freakoutmeter. Like when I tell him I need to go clean my house but I actually want to just watch crap on my laptop and eat a whole milk tart to myself.

[blondeonabike]

Some really good advice here, thanks guys.

 

And well done @blondeonabike

[blondeonabike]

***big hugs*** @ dizzy

Edited March 3, 2020 by blondeonabike

[Amberdrake]

I must agree there its a very personal thing to say how long.

Due to my situation any comment I make would be very much from a different perspective.

Getting out and being social is a good thing!

Sorry i never got to have that ride end of the month feb, Mom was in hospital and went to help her out over weekend.

Anyone interested in a ride on the weekend of the 14th? I am vastly unfit so it's gonna either be a slow long ride (ill pack snacks) or ill need a shorter bail route

[gemmerbal]

that sounds like a plan! gooi the deets, im in!

 

Come and watch the Epic on Table Mountain? A bunch of us going.