Advice on Divorce

[Mudsimus]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Count yourself lucky and pity the new guy.

[New Landy new life]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Count yourself lucky and pity the new guy.

Wonder for how many years it may have been then !

 

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[The Ghost]

Wonder for how many years it may have been then !

 

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It’s irrelevant and don’t spend any time and energy looking for answers that you will probably never get.

Look forward, I know it sounds cheesy, but there’s not a thing that you can do about the past so don’t live there.

[Mudsimus]

Wonder for how many years it may have been then !

 

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Don’t overthink it. You are only punishing yourself.

[Red Robin]

Be kind to yourself. Your marriage was a failure, that does not mean that you are a failure.

Some days will be great and you will think man wish this had happened earlier and some days will be not so great and you may wish for the past.

All part of the process and soon the good days will far outnumber the bad days.

[New Landy new life]

Just had a meal and a chat with a mate that I looked up again after many years as he has been through a similar situation.

 

Him having a theology degree and many years in ministry shed a lot of light on how I am feeling and how to move on without dwelling in what's done.

 

Man I  needed that, now looking forward to my next chapter and  no more self pity and analyzing what is done.

 

Feeling on a high right now.

 

Thanks all.

[Amberdrake]

Thats good news landy

[Mousea]

One of my buddies that I have not seen in ages popped in just now just because he was in the area and saw my empty-ish house and realized what happened.

 

Then decides to tell me his wife had chatted to my wife and new of the infidelity some time ago already.

 

Why would a mate not share that sort of thing at the time I am wondering ?

 

I Didn't ask him but it hurts that other people knew before me .

A very difficult one to answer.

Tell and bugger up a friendship...

Don't tell and bugger up a friendship......

 

It is a catch 22 situation

[GrumpyOldGuy]

Just had a meal and a chat with a mate that I looked up again after many years as he has been through a similar situation.

 

Him having a theology degree and many years in ministry shed a lot of light on how I am feeling and how to move on without dwelling in what's done.

 

Man I  needed that, now looking forward to my next chapter and  no more self pity and analyzing what is done.

 

Feeling on a high right now.

 

Thanks all.

I am glad you sought solace Landy, even if it was just a from an informal chat with someone who understands. Remember "God always provides the ingredients for our daily bread, but he leaves us to do the baking."

 

I wish you well.  

[Paul Ruinaard]

Just had a meal and a chat with a mate that I looked up again after many years as he has been through a similar situation.

 

Him having a theology degree and many years in ministry shed a lot of light on how I am feeling and how to move on without dwelling in what's done.

 

Man I  needed that, now looking forward to my next chapter and  no more self pity and analyzing what is done.

 

Feeling on a high right now.

 

Thanks all.

Those are tow of the moer big speed bumps you have hit. Like i said it gets pretty bumpy but hopefully the road forward is a little less potholed cause the ones you just klapped are major ones  - when (or if) your ex was cheating on you and when you come home to a half empty house and sit and stare and think about what was and what you did.

 

Strongs brother.

 

One foot in front of another now and be gentle on yourself. You are in that twilight zone where you feel very alone.

[Wheelsuck]

^{This is one of the most significant threads of the year and for many a reason –we are all in relationships even if it is with ourselves (not in that way boys!) The comments made by the likes of Intern and Paul made me rethink my situation and how I act in my relationship.}

 

 

 

^{We all have our baggage and that cost me my first marriage –yes she did cheat but it’s easy to point fingers but I have to accept that I was also responsible. The day I found out I was in a state and just wanted to get out of there, No use fighting the damage was done. Luckily no kids and we sorted out the Admin quickly. Had a good friend that never said anything bad about it-he was just around and helped me cope. You need these support structures. Got stuck into my IM training and that helps when you are away most of the weekend and too tired to think the rest of the week, man it’s the thinking that gets you as you move through the stages of grief. But it hurts and takes up so much of one’s thoughts.}

 

 

^{Recently I thought I had my stuff together and then my coach recommended a book called the Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters. Sometimes things that we know are truth just need to be presented in a way that makes sense, you know, and this book helped me to control the Chimp and it helps not only in my marriage but in life in general.}

^{I guess everyone has stated the obvious:}

• ^{It hurts like a bitch}
• ^{You will get angry, doubt yourself and cry-its normal and you will get through it. See it as a process}
• ^{Have a support structure from mates right through to a kickass lawyer}
• ^{Have some kind of system/Understanding/diagnostic/template that makes you recognize your behavior and where you are in this mess. That just helps you go: “Ah okay-I am in Denial, this is why and how and what I should do/not do”. It helps to have a structure in all the chaos of emotion and events.}
• ^{Be fair and don’t get to emotional-you cannot be a stoic but try not to let the chimp out (See Dr Peter’s book comment above)}
• ^{Stay busy-yes your thoughts will go back to what was-but the busy helps it doesn’t take it away.}
• ^{It will end-someone once said –It will be okay in the end –if its not okay its not the end.}
• ^{Try to stay positive and if you can’t –Talk-see a counsellor, priest, therapist, mate, post on the thread here just get it out of your system.}
• ^{Don’t get involved to quickly-you are not thinking straight and she is not the woman of your dreams –you are in rebound. And even by some miracle she is the right one-stay cool and clearheaded. If that little voice of doubt peaks out –it’s probably right.}
•  ^{Try to be the better person but not a walkover-this I guess is one of the hardest things as I somehow stupidly thought she is going to have a Damascus experience and come running back into my arms if I compromise-that’s not gonna happen so stay as realistic as you can.}
•  ^{Empower yourself –when I ended up alone I couldn’t even cook rice or fry and egg, now I slay it in the kitchen, and its good therapy. By empowering yourself you will get confidence back and meet new people.}
• ^{Just take it day by day and always make progress to where you want to see yourself in the next week, month, year.}  

Edited March 6, 2018 by Wheelsuck

[Slowbee]

Nice post Wheelsuck (have run out of likes)

[Guest]

[New Landy new life]

She finally accepted my proposed Maintenance offer just to be done with me and I think to get hold of my pension so she can clear her debt and pay her family back also.

 

Another bump out of the way - whew.

 

Thanks guys for the brilliant posts above - nice to have Mates  I don't even know 

[Slowbee]

She finally accepted my proposed Maintenance offer just to be done with me and I think to get hold of my pension so she can clear her debt and pay her family back also.

 

Another bump out of the way - whew.

 

Thanks guys for the brilliant posts above - nice to have Mates  I don't even know 

After all the chainsaws and hijackings and furry children that have crossed over the rainbow today you have just made me cry.

[Rocket-Boy]

She finally accepted my proposed Maintenance offer just to be done with me and I think to get hold of my pension so she can clear her debt and pay her family back also.

 

Another bump out of the way - whew.

 

Thanks guys for the brilliant posts above - nice to have Mates  I don't even know 

Im both happy and sad for you, on the one hand you can get on with your life. On the other Im sad you have to go through this.

 

At least there is some finality and life can continue, Im looking forward to seeing you post in here about how things are getting better sometime in the near future.