Advice on Divorce

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

My wife sprang the divorce surprise on me on 5 Dec. It sucks. I love her and really did my best. Some days are better than others. Today was not good. We still live in the same house. The kids don't know yet (6&4 yrs old). The reasons she gave are reasons you break up a std 8 relationship, not an almost 11yr marriage. I will get through this and I'm focussing on the best possible outcome for our children.

Crap dude, so sorry to hear that. Stetkte man. You're not alone

[Paul Ruinaard]

Google Billy Gundelfingers. The nastiest divorce lawyer in SA. He wrote an article now that was on news 24 about how his office goes crazy in January cause of all the divorces that start now. Me it was also 8 January.

 

It's worth taking a breather and letting things calm down and then  getting some good advice from counsellors to ensure you really ant to go through with an actual divorce is his advice. You can imagine that from him that is not what you would expect.

 

And most of the people here are more experts on divorce that relationship counselling - just saying...

[New Landy new life]

Google Billy Gundelfingers. The nastiest divorce lawyer in SA. He wrote an article now that was on news 24 about how his office goes crazy in January cause of all the divorces that start now. Me it was also 8 January.

 

It's worth taking a breather and letting things calm down and then getting some good advice from counsellors to ensure you really ant to go through with an actual divorce is his advice. You can imagine that from him that is not what you would expect.

 

And most of the people here are more experts on divorce that relationship counselling - just saying...

Well said, divorce is the last resort, but if they have made up their mind already, there is not much you can do.

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Well said, divorce is the last resort, but if they have made up their mind already, there is not much you can do.

speaking from experience, that's 100% correct. Once my mind was made up, there was no chance of reconciliation. There were several points at which she could have saved it, if she'd been willing. Once those windows had closed... 

[Patensie]

speaking from experience, that's 100% correct. Once my mind was made up, there was no chance of reconciliation. There were several points at which she could have saved it, if she'd been willing. Once those windows had closed... 

I don't want to like your post for liking it feels wrong, but you are 100% correct. She's made up her mind.

[Honkdonk]

Patensie. Reach out bud. We are here for you.

[CogitoErgoSum]

Sorry guys, I do not want to be insensitive. It was touch and go between my wife and I a short while back (I made a mess of things...). We are going for 15 years married this year. It has been rough at times (financial and personal stress on a marriage just kills it)

 

Divorse happens just far too easy

 

It is as if girls and guys just doesn't want to go through the effort that relationships require. Being married/engaged/in a romantic relationship requires effort. It requires commitment. From both. Both have to put the other before themselves. There are sacrifices that needs to be made by both. Both needs to help the other out with whatever the other finds as important. Sacrifices doesn't need to be big things (don't leave the dishes for the other, wash the effen dishes, even if you don't feel like it).

 

Make time for one another. Commit to the other's needs, what they value.

 

It is really an effort. If it wasn't an effort, or no effort was needed, then you shouldn't be together. That is when people live past another. That is when the other is of no importance anymore.

 

Just my 2c worth of my experience thus far. I absolutely love my wife and our 3 kids. I cannot think myself into loosing them. I will fight for them, I will compromise whatever way needed to keep them.

 

Marriage is an effort to build the other. Husband to build wife up. Wife to build husband up. Then the marriage will grow.

 

Divorse is just too easy these days

 

All the best to everyone going through this.

[Johan_Kleynhans]

I have never been divorced but had a few near misses. Also inspite of what I said in my post1212 I want to say the following based on counseling which I received.

 

Divorce must be the absolute last choice. Try everything else before that as divorce in 99% of cases are nasty. Resolving the issues could be better in most instances.

 

The children suffer the most. Statistics also show that there is a big chance that children of divorced parents will also divorce one day.

 

Inspite of what leads to the divorce most people has some baggage which leads to certain behaviours. This contributes to the problem which eventually leads to the decision to get divorced. If the party/parties dont deal with this baggage they just take it to their next relationship.

 

During my own near misses I also had to critically look at myself and had to be brutally honest with myself, made some changes to how I did things and worked hard at the relationship.

 

One of my big deciders was the following and this I must admit influenced my decision greatly. My children. I love them too much to be without them. People say women loves the children more than a man. Dont know about that.

[Captain Fastbastard Mayhem]

Divorse is just too easy these days

 

 

In some (most?) cases, I'll agree with you. But in others it's just simply a case of the only way to remain true to yourself and your child/children. A child in a divorced family yet happy environment, or whose one parent is happy and can teach them how to live their best life would be far better off than in an unhappy marriage. And in my case, when I was congratulated by my psych after I'd initiated proceedings, it was the only option, given what had come before.

 

If the transgression or disagreement is reconcilable, and there is a way to, then work at it. In my case it was just too many things, two of which I could never overlook without contradicting my most central standards.

Edited January 14, 2019 by Captain Fatbastard Mayhem

[Johan_Kleynhans]

Agreed.

 

In some instances it is better for the kids. Abusive relationships as an example.

 

Always a very tough situation with very tough decisions.

 

Why I said what I said is because the father to a very large degree forms the character (lol I hope I spelled it correctly) of the child and in the case of a girl her father becomes the yardstick with which she measures men. For a boy the way his father treat the woman around him will be the example in the way he will treat woman.

 

Therefore together or divorced the father plays a huge roll in his kids life. That is if he wants to.

[Thor Buttox]

Agreed.

 

In some instances it is better for the kids. Abusive relationships as an example.

 

Always a very tough situation with very tough decisions.

 

Why I said what I said is because the father to a very large degree forms the character (lol I hope I spelled it correctly) of the child and in the case of a girl her father becomes the yardstick with which she measures men. For a boy the way his father treat the woman around him will be the example in the way he will treat woman.

 

Therefore together or divorced the father plays a huge roll in his kids life. That is if he wants to.

The reason I try to be good is because I do things to not be like my dad. I am.extremely glad my Mom divorced my dad. Only as a man could I begin to see his side of the story a tiny bit, but his behaviour when I was a child was totally unacceptable. Sometimes a divorce is not even about the two individuals and their behaviour but about the behaviour of relatives and others in the orbit of the marriage. As I have said previously, often it is hanging on too long where the real psychological damage is done.

[Uni]

Even though she says she is not angry and has forgiven me, her actions speak otherwise.

We all know us women don't mean what we say . How you holding up?

[Uni]

often it is hanging on too long where the real psychological damage is done.

Exactly this... i agree that divorce shouldn't be a cop out, but it's also not this evil deed with a stigma attached. If it's broken, there's no point trying to keep glueing it back together, rather just close the book and start another.

[New Landy new life]

Exactly this... i agree that divorce shouldn't be a cop out, but it's also not this evil deed with a stigma attached. If it's broken, there's no point trying to keep glueing it back together, rather just close the book and start another.

Sigzaktly. Brilliant post.

[Zatopek]

Divorse is just too easy these days

It was the single most difficult emotional decision/time in my life.

[New Landy new life]

So finally have someone really special in my life again, things are looking up.