Advice on Divorce

[Uni]

I've got a theory on this.

 

It's primarily around additional pressures related to confusion around gender roles in a world where everyone is pushing for equity, equality, parity when that is not how we are wired.

 

For example. My ex wanted me to do my share of the house chores. She would say stuff like you don't need boobs to wash dishes but I never once saw her pushing a lawn mower or picking up the dog schidt.

 

Call me a chauvinist but gender roles work. 

oooohhhh....I'm triggered .....   

chatting to divorced women in the 40-50 age range, most of them came back with the complaint their husbands became like a child that they had to look after and "mother" .

These gender roles work fine if they're balanced. Dishes, cooking, laundry is a daily chore, ... is mowing the lawn? 

 

the look after your man because you love him is all good and well during the honeymoon phase. It doesn't take long for someone to feel resentful (and of course this works both ways) = and that's when the life outside of the "domestic realm " suddenly seems so appealing. 

[Skubarra]

 

For example. My ex wanted me to do my share of the house chores. She would say stuff like you don't need boobs to wash dishes but I never once saw her pushing a lawn mower or picking up the dog schidt.

 

Call me a chauvinist but gender roles work. 

 

Were you also the sole provider of income to the household in line with traditional gender roles?

 

If both husband & wife work 9 to 5 then hiding behind "gender roles" to avoid doing your share is a guarantee to unnecessary conflict. 

[GrahamS2]

CAVEAT: Guys, the following is based on my distant recollection of my 1995 family law 101. I don't rely on my knowledge on this and neither should you. 

 

In order to claim maintenance from someone you have to prove the following 3 things:

1) A relationship (verwantskap - studied this in Afrikaans, may get translations wrong) with the person from whom you claim;

2) A need for maintenance; and

3) The person from whom you claim must have the means to pay.

 

My ex-to-be will have no relationship with my parents and will therefore not be able to claim maintenance FOR HERSELF from them.

 

She may claim for the kids (in the event that I don't pay their maintenance [i intend to maintain my kids to the best of my ability]) from them.

 

However, she will have to prove 2 & 3, which will probably include reasons why she cannot maintain the kids herself, as well as my parents' ability and her parents abilty to pay maintenance. All about the circumstances as Armpies said.

 

I believe the kids' relationship to my brother is too far removed.

She would have to prove that your parents play a role in the unbringing of your kids in order to have a valid claim. The law seems to really be aimed at ‘traditional’ families where grandparents/aunts/ uncles take financial responsibility for children. That responsibility should continue after a divorce

[Duane_Bosch]

Were you also the sole provider of income to the household in line with traditional gender roles?

 

If both husband & wife work 9 to 5 then hiding behind "gender roles" to avoid doing your share is a guarantee to unnecessary conflict. 

This isn't an argument about who didn't do the dishes. Yes that's where the conflict manifests but it's actually about additional pressure on both men and women in a modern society where women are given additional burdens of earning a wad of cash etc and men struggling to find their role in society.

 

Something has to give and unfortunately it's most often the most important relationships. I hope that makes sense.

Edited January 30, 2019 by Duane_Bosch

[HDW]

Don't be slut shamin'

 

This is also BS.

I have a reprobate BIL who has more than one kid out there.

Now his parents can be liable if he doesn't pay.

BS he must learn to keep it in his pants .

I would also fight this in court on my in-laws behalf.

How the F can they be liable for him being a male "Slut"

[Stretch]

oooohhhh....I'm triggered ..... [emoji317]

chatting to divorced women in the 40-50 age range, most of them came back with the complaint their husbands became like a child that they had to look after and "mother" .

These gender roles work fine if they're balanced. Dishes, cooking, laundry is a daily chore, ... is mowing the lawn?

 

the look after your man because you love him is all good and well during the honeymoon phase. It doesn't take long for someone to feel resentful (and of course this works both ways) = and that's when the life outside of the "domestic realm " suddenly seems so appealing.

It's obviously a lot more complicated than that as in many instances that person adopts that role as the carer and derives all pleasure in that... It's one of the major causes of relationship stress. Well that's according to Esther Perel.. Who's book I'm busy reading.... Mating in captivity

[Uni]

It's obviously a lot more complicated than that as in many instances that person adopts that role as the carer and derives all pleasure in that... It's one of the major causes of relationship stress. Well that's according to Esther Perel.. Who's book I'm busy reading.... Mating in captivity

My point being in that highlighted bit - don't assume that she loves you so much she wants to look after you all the time. 

One of the women, 48 she mentioned how not once in the 20 odd years of her marriage did her husband say, hey don't worry about cooking dinner, let's go out and grab something, not even necessarily a fancy dinner.

 

just one woman's POV here. Use it, don't use it. 

[Stretch]

My point being in that highlighted bit - don't assume that she loves you so much she wants to look after you all the time.

One of the women, 48 she mentioned how not once in the 20 odd years of her marriage did her husband say, hey don't worry about cooking dinner, let's go out and grab something, not even necessarily a fancy dinner.

 

just one woman's POV here. Use it, don't use it.

I totally get what you're saying.. And it's not difficult either.....

[Kranswurm]

Is there anyone on the hub not going trough a divorce

 

Two down and I give up.I have had enough

[Hairy]

3rd time lucky ?

 

Two down and I give up.I have had enough

[The Bull Shark]

 

Two down and I give up.I have had enough

 

Time to get a dog? 

[New Landy new life]

So i'm doing paperwork tons of it. At the same time as much as I would like to end things amicably the constant barrage of msg's blaming me for things never said or done is really wearing on me. Yesterday I actually managed to get angry for first time since I left, because of what she said.

 

With all of this I am still trying to be nice so one smiles and calms down and continues right?

 

One thing I am thankful for right now is that I don't drink cause that would have ended horribly.

I just ignore the hurtful comments completely and it diffuses the start of an argument and takes the wind out of their sails. I actually feel quite smug when I get to ignore an SMS or email and it burns the ex to get no answer back. Edited January 30, 2019 by New Landy - new life

[Red Robin]

This isn't an argument about who didn't do the dishes. Yes that's where the conflict manifests but it's actually about additional pressure on both men and women in a modern society where women are given additional burdens of earning a wad of cash etc and men struggling to find their role in society.

 

Something has to give and unfortunately it's most often the most important relationships. I hope that makes sense.

Erm "additional burdens of earning a wad of cash " ??

Sorry not quite in agreement with you on this one. Perhaps for some women but the majority I know take pride in our careers and achievements and dare I say it earnings too. It's no burden.

But I sort of understand what you are getting at and it may be applicable to some women.

[eddy]

I agree with you and Mousea - but also I don't think these are the only scenarios?

 

What if you have a example where the parents are dead, children are basically on the street and the grandparents loaded with money but not feeling like contributing - in that case I won't mind the law forcing the grandparents to contribute to maintenance?

 

A far more likely scenario is where a sleg laaitie gets a girl pregnant at school/varsity/the streets and as he is at school/varsity/on the streets says "tough luck getting any support from me".

 

In those circumstances it is both right and fair that his parents/grandparents get to pick up his part of the tab.

[Amberdrake]

I just ignore the hurtful comments completely and it diffuses the start of an argument and takes the wind out of their sails. I actually feel quite smug when I get to ignore an SMS or email and it burns the ex to get no answer back.

I do this, and i have a chuckle after wards usually few hours later.

But in the moment i have to maintain the cool.

 

TBH I am proud to say I have not lost my cool once. I shut up and walk out way before that.

[Steven Knoetze (sk27)]

I do this, and i have a chuckle after wards usually few hours later.

But in the moment i have to maintain the cool.

 

TBH I am proud to say I have not lost my cool once. I shut up and walk out way before that.

 

I find in all situations, immediately responding is not a good idea.

We are too wired for immediate gratification these days, and its the same in our communications. Most times a few hours delay will make zero difference.

Give it time and cooler heads will prevail.

Especially in your situation where messages and voice notes can be used against you in court......